


Bad At Love

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Moving On, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Alec Lightwood, Recreational Drug Use, Small Towns, Starting Over
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-17 15:57:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14192547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: When Magnus graduated high school he was gifted a beautiful mansion by his father, but the catch was the place was a dump.  A tragedy eight years later draws him back to this house and how it changes his life was most definitely not planned by his father.  He meets a man who changes how he views love and makes him feel as though he might deserve more than he had ever been shown.  Magnus learns what it is to truly be loved...and that he might be good at it if he tries.





	1. The Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I do have yet another project. This one hit me when Taylor's new album came out "Reputation". This is probably the farthest thing from what her album was about, but it hit me on the plane ride home nonetheless. Magnus is gonna get beat up a lot in this fic before things get settled and get better for him. He makes a lot of problematic choices, but he will get smarter eventually. Jace is going to be quite different from canon in this one so I hope you guys are okay with it. Anyways so a tidbit of info. This mansion house mentioned was based off of a house I actually saw in person that my parents really wanted to buy actually, but it was a mess and there was no way they could afford. I could totally picture Magnus loving this Victorian style mansion, but maybe not the location. And yes it did have an alpaca farm nearby so I had to add that in as well haha. Updates will be on Mondays....and yes this will actually have an update schedule so help me. The chapters might be shorter than my other stories, but at least this way I can keep things consistent. I hope you enjoy this new project as much as rest. Happy reading!!!

**PROLOGUE**

 

The summer breeze ripped through their hair and their tees as the three boys zipped down the highway into God’s country, as Ragnor Fell would call it.  They had a car, freedom, and maybe just a tad too much arrogance to be smart. They had said goodbye to high school only three days ago and already they felt like the world is before them.  The land became ridden with hills with farmhouses dotting the horizon, but it was a far cry from where the three had grown up and what they had seen every day of their lives. An hour never seemed long until you were on the way there and then it seemed like ages and ages away.  

 

“Why would my father buy me a house all the way out here?” Magnus Bane moaned as he kept watching miles of countryside whiz by.  “I haven’t seen any hint of a mall for at least half an hour or more. If I want to buy anything worth something I’d have to drive an hour to get there and back, how ridiculous is that? Does he know me at all?”

 

“He’s probably trying to save you from being broke in a year since you have the least amount of impulse control I’ve ever seen,” Raphael Santiago quipped from behind the wheel.  Ragnor sniggered from the passenger seat as he flicked through his phone for the next song to play. 

 

“The exit is coming up,” Magnus pestered from the backseat as he leaned forwards to see what exit number they were on.

 

“Funnily enough my phone just said that exact fucking thing,” Raphael snapped in return with a roll of his eyes.  

 

“He’s just excited to see the mansion he gets to inherit whenever he wants it,” Ragnor defended him absently, grinning in triumph when he found a satisfactory song that nobody would complain about, probably.  

 

They pulled off the highway in short order, but if they thought that meant the house was close they were proven wrong when they were met with winding roads for at least another five miles before Raphael’s phone chimed that they had reached their destination. The three stared at the house in shock for a long, long moment.  It was a small mansion, three sprawling floors with a wrap around porch on the main and upper levels. It had a huge garage peeking out from behind it with what looked like some kind of loft area above it. The land stretched for ages in each direction from the Victorian style home. The house was beautiful….or at least it had been.

 

The paint was peeling and the porch railings were falling apart with the wood also peeling and washed out in various areas.  The steps looked like they had seen their fair share of feet on them and were ready to fall apart any minute. The place was currently just short of a dump in the middle of nowhere and all the hope Magnus felt in his chest evaporated leaving  behind only a bitter disappointment. 

 

Of course his father would do something like this for a graduation present.  Magnus had been expecting nothing and then his father had handed him the deed to a house on graduation morning and he had nearly fallen over in shock.  There had never been love lost between them, only a cold indifference. He was a businessman before he was any sort of father and Magnus had learned to expect nothing different.  HIs mother doted and cared for him and that was all he needed. His father lived at his office more than in his own million dollar home, and that was honestly the way they all preferred it.  He had thought for one instant that he had wanted to offer some way for them to bond, but he really should have known better. Magnus swallowed down his disappointment in a flash, so his best friends wouldn’t think he cared about something as silly as a house that he hadn’t been planning on anyways.  The wind picked up as he got out of the car without saying a word to his friends. He couldn’t explain why this hurt so much, seeing the shells of a mansion that was supposed to be his graduation gift. Did his mother even know what sort of condition this house was in? She had seemed so excited at breakfast, smiling widely and gazing at Asmodeus like she had when he was younger.  He hadn’t seen that look in a long time from her, and it was nice to see. 

 

His knees were shaking as he walked up the shaky wooden steps onto a porch that he wasn’t sure was even safe to stand on.  

 

“It really is gorgeous,” Ragnor said softly as he came to stand behind him while Raphael was busy observing the house and pointing out how good of a condition the foundation was in and what would need to be done to make it habitable again.  Magnus folded his arms tightly around himself and tried to keep his mind blank as he stared up at the house he would have loved with all his heart had it been remotely in shape. He didn’t have the hundreds of thousands of dollars it would take to fix this anytime soon.  It was a dump, and exactly what Asmodeus thought he deserved. 

 

“It’s a dump,” Magnus said harshly as he shoved open the front door to slowly walk inside. 

 

“As much as Asmodeus is an ass,” Raphael said as he joined them.  “He knows your taste to a tee. This is definitely your kind of house.  It’s huge and gorgeous and maybe a bit out of the way but otherwise perfect.”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Magnus snapped, not needing the reminder of what he might have had if his father hadn’t played yet another cruel trick on him.  “I don’t have the money to fix this up, and it’s not like he would spend that kind of money on me. This place probably cost him next to nothing. It’s part of our real estate company.  Nobody wanted it so he tossed it to me, my mother probably lectured him on not even giving me a graduation present so he gave me the easiest thing he could. I know his fucking games and how they work by now.  I’m supposed to be working for him next month.”

 

“I thought we agreed that would be the worst thing for you to do?” Ragnor asked cautiously, with his given mood.  They were wandering through the empty and half done rooms and with each passing step Magnus felt himself aching more.  This place was breathtaking and sprawling with open rooms and windows pouring in the sunlight. It was a dream house, and Magnus was teased with it.  He didn’t need it, at least not yet. He was still figuring out life and it was just him by himself so he had no need for a five bedroom and three bath place.  He was probably going to get a place with the two with him right now. 

 

“Well, this would have been nicer than the last two bedroom we saw last week,” Raphael grumbled as they left the house.  “You sure sleeping on the floor isn’t an option?”

 

“We don’t even have electricity or plumbing,” Magnus said sadly.  “Or I would have agreed.”

 

“Asmodeus is such a son of a bitch,” Ragnor said vehemently as he hugged Magnus close.  “This was….a low blow.”

 

“He doesn’t deal any other way.”  Magnus sighed and took a last look at the house he could have had before facing forward and putting it out of his mind.  He didn’t need the house, or his father, and he was free to make his own choices. He brought out his phone to take one picture of the place, even if it was just for the aesthetic of it.  

 

“There’s a sign for an alpaca farm,” Ragnor said as they drove past it.  “That might make this trip somewhat worth it? Might as well do something out here in the middle of nowhere.  It’s better you didn’t move here Mags, I would never visit you. The manure smell is enough to kill you.”

 

“Maybe those fuzzy faces will make me feel like my life isn’t a disaster,” Magnus said a bit glumly as he sat back in the seat.  Hope was something he had learned it was cruel to have. He had had such high hopes for his father for so very long, and he kept getting hurt in the end.  

 

“Your life isn’t a disaster,” Raphael told him as they locked eyes in the rearview mirror.  “You’ve barely started living it.”

 

“Well, here we go then,” Magnus said as he looked out the window and wondered if his future was any different than he saw it at this moment.  Full of one disappointment after another and not enough spine to actually change it. 

 

~~~

 

Chapter One

 

The morning was a cold one as Magnus opened his bedroom window to try and get his head clear.  He had always felt like he couldn’t breathe in the spacious mansion right outside of Manhattan with a view of the Hudson river practically in their backyard.   The place had eight bedrooms, a full sized library, and three sitting areas, but Magnus had always thought it might as well have been a one bedroom shack with how claustrophobic he had always felt here.  He hadn’t missed a single fight between his parents no matter where he had gone in this place. He knew they hadn’t been getting along very much in the past eight years since he had moved out on his own. His father always seemed more cheerful at the office the mornings his mother had called him sounding a little more down than usual.  He lived for putting her in her place, and Magnus had hated it as long as he could remember.

 

He braced himself with his hands on the window ledge, feeling the metal dig into his palms and grounding him to the moment instead of being caught up in his teenage past.  He was twenty-six years old now, and the past no longer mattered. He couldn’t fix any of it now. He could only face the day ahead before washing his hands of his family forever.  He left the window open as he turned his back on the view he had memorized long ago to face the black suit hung up on the armoire opposite his bed. He felt the plush carpet under his feet and that simple movement made a lump rise in his throat and his hands shake as he took the jacket off the hanger to lay it on the bed.  

 

He could remember one night long ago when he had been in this room, shaking and holding onto anger to stave off the overwhelming sadness after his father had made him all too aware what a disappointment he was after only having a bit of fun with his friends.  He had been reprimanded at school, but being a Bane meant that he would never get any full magnitude of punishment for his wrongdoings. He had been doing anything to not let himself cry over the words harshly dealt over dinner when his mother had come in the room.  For once she hadn’t immediately told him to not worry about what his father had to say, nor had she scolded him for losing his temper. She had watched him while he was unaware before realizing he was on the verge of a panic attack more than he was truly angry. She had told him to stop where he was, stop everything and focus on staying present.  She told him to focus on the carpet under his toes and to make sure he felt it. She told him to worry about this moment and not one moment afterward. To appreciate every moment as it came instead of worrying about the future and about what anyone else thought. He had learned to take the defensive in any given situation instead of giving into being upset, and that was how he became such a fabulous defense attorney eight years later.  He had been defending his own case against the meanest shark anyone could imagine, so the courtroom was easy in comparison. 

 

A gentle knock came to his door and for one crazy moment he hoped his mother was somehow here once again, but sharp disappointment stung when Ragnor stuck his head inside instead.  Ragnor Fell had been in this house nearly as much as he had growing up. His own father worked for Bane Realty as a partner in the business. They had grown up together and had always been inseparable.  He was already dressed in his own suit and the black looked so out of place on someone who normally wore a dark blue uniform or tees. To everyone’s surprise Ragnor had become a paramedic and loved it. It wasn’t a glamorous job and he barely could afford a one bedroom even now.  His hair was back to the blonde he had been born with rather than the green he had sported during their college years and a bit afterward. How he wished for their younger years now that they were standing here with absolutely everything different. 

 

“Did you sleep at all last night?” Ragnor asked as he closed the door behind him gently.  Magnus quickly turned his back to his friend and practiced what he had been taught long ago.  He focused on the soft fabric of the white shirt in his hands as he slid it over his shoulders and attempted to focus on the small clear buttons and cursed when he did it lopsided, putting the first button in the third hole.  

 

“If only Camille could get this view,” Ragnor teased as he stepped closer to Magnus and brushed his unsteady hands aside.  Magnus couldn’t look at his best friend so he opted for a brown spot peeking out from under the lapel of Ragnor’s jacket. “Y’know you should let her move in Magnus, it’s been a year.  You can afford better than your one bedroom now. Raphael is living better than both of us already.”

 

“Did his flight get in?  He never texted me,” Magnus gripped onto the thought of his other long time friend he had met in high school and who always kept him grounded.  

 

“He got in late last night,” Ragnor replied soothingly as he finished the buttons and held up his jacket for Magnus to slip into.  His hands settled onto Magnus’s shoulders to squeeze gently, but the grip was wrong and the fingers were too thick and damn it, he couldn’t be like this yet.  He could think when he got back to his loft in Brooklyn, which he definitely didn’t share with his girlfriend Camille. 

 

“Someone needs to be downstairs for when the catering arrives to direct them where to set up the tables in the back dining room,” Magnus said as he slipped his pants on and stared at the three ties he had thrown in his bag three days ago.  “They say they’re professionals, but they act like a bunch of idiots on the best of days. Mother has been using them for years which is the only reason I hired them again.”

 

“Since when do you call Evi mother?” Ragnor asked him, a small frown creasing his brow.  Ragnor was buttoning and unbuttoning his cufflink as he lingered a few feet from Magnus. He picked up a purple tie, the only one he owned and ignored the sting of his mother’s birthstone that it represented.  It always reminded him of her and he had worn it after he had passed his bar and to the first day at the firm. 

 

“Just take care of the caterers please,” Magnus requested softly as he slipped the tie around his neck.  

 

“Don’t do this,” Raphael Santiago brushed in the room, also looking very out of place in his own three piece as he set down a suitcase next to the door.  Magnus could hold it together around Ragnor because he played the defense and it was easy. Raphael was more abrupt in his manner and his words. He never let Magnus stew in his thoughts, even if he had hated the other man for it more than once.  “I did not come home from visiting my mother early to be around someone I don’t know. You loved Evianna with all your heart, and someone should at this funeral. Is your father bothering to attend?”

 

“He’s here,” Magnus said tightly.  He brushed by his friends to go into the en suite bathroom to wash his face and finish the last touches on his hair.  His heart was hardly in it, but he wouldn’t look less than pristine today. He wanted Raphael here, and he was so glad his best friend got a flight on less than a day’s notice once he finally could say aloud that his mother had died.   It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted his best friends to know, but he physically couldn’t make the words form for days after the ‘accident’ had happened. 

 

“Ragnor went to direct everyone,” Raphael told him as he leaned against the doorframe and watched him finish getting ready.  “Are you going to send me on some mundane errand?”

 

“Would it even work?” Magnus asked him, finally glancing to meet his eyes.  “Thank you--”

 

“Don’t,” Raphael waved it away immediately.  “I would have moved hell to be here, would have rented a car and driven here if I had to.”

 

“Your mom liking Florida?” Magnus asked him, hoping Raphael would take the simple bait and let him avoid reality for a minute.  

 

“She doesn’t miss the winter,’ Raphael replied, looking at the floor.  “She sends her condolences and said if you ever need a hug Florida wasn’t so far away.”  Magnus carefully spread shaving cream over his chin and picked up the razor, the familiar routine making his shaking less noticeable.  

 

“I’m sure the sand and ocean would do me good,” Magnus agreed as he dragged the razor over his face and kept his focus on the razor.  

 

“Who will I debate with in Spanish now?” Raphael said after moments went  by in silence. “Your mother was the last person I knew in New York who spoke it fluently.  She used to laugh at me when I would trip up and slip into English.”

 

“She always said you should have gone to law school with me,” Magnus replied as his hands started to shake again and blood blossomed over his jaw line.  “Shit.”

 

“It’s fine,’ Raphael reassured him as he grabbed a wad of tissues and handed them to him.  “I know you hate to show your father anything but a stoic expression, but it’s more than alright to be a bit of a mess today.  Evianna would have understood if you weren’t the most composed today.”

 

“I am not going to fall apart today,” Magnus told him sternly.  “My father doesn’t get that satisfaction. It’s only about six hours and then I can go back to Brooklyn as fast as I can drive there.”

 

“I told Simon that I’d be staying with you,” Raphael told him with a gentle touch to his elbow.  “He would be here, but Freddy has the flu that’s been going around.” Magnus nodded in understanding as he resumed the rest of his shave.  “Magnus, you act like your father is the one that killed her. I’m the first to say your father has taken bastard of the year award time and time again, but this wasn’t actually his fault.”

 

“I know that,” Magnus said sharply as he grabbed a towel to wipe off his face and threw it in a ball on the floor.  The anger he always felt when his father came up in any conversation emerged and he held onto it desperately. He could deal with anger any day rather than crushing devastation.  He glanced at his reflection and figured this was the best he was going to get with how he was feeling and stalked out of the bathroom. He gathered up the few things he had left lying around the room and stuffed them in his bright blue duffle bag, zipping it shut with more force than strictly necessary.  

 

“Magnus,” Raphael said quietly, staying by the bathroom door and out of the way.  They only had moments before they had to go downstairs and participate in the memorial services with people he would rather avoid in the best of times.  Magnus was still and feeling the fire of rage fading down to embers and the sadness coming in like a rainstorm all over again. 

 

“Raph, please, help me get through this,” Magnus pleaded softly as he dug his nails into his palms until the tsunami tide of grief passed.  

 

“What aren’t you telling me?” Raphael walked over to sit down on the bed.  “They aren’t about to start the services without her son there. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

 

“It wasn’t an accident,’ Magnus said, voice shaking this time while his hands were still.  “She was an expert hiker, and that trail was an easy one. There was at least four feet between the trail and the edge of the cliff.  It hasn’t been raining or anything like that, meaning the ground was dry. She didn’t slip and fall to her death, she jumped.”

 

“Magnus….no,” Raphael put a hand over his and the touch brought a wave too strong to be held back.  Magnus felt a tear slip down his nose and drop onto his hand. 

 

“They’ve been fighting for months and she kept telling me she was so unhappy.  I’ve been working so much on stupid cases for awful men who have committed horrible crimes while my own mother was suffering and...and… wanting to…” Magnus felt a sob rise up and choke him as his shoulders shook.  “I couldn’t bother to be there even when she was sobbing over the phone.” 

 

“This…” Raphael had to pause before continuing and Magnus wanted this awful day to be over with.  He wanted his mother here to make this all seem better, but she was the one person who would never be here again.  “Magnus Bane, you know this isn’t your fault.”

 

“I could have been here and she never would have gone hiking,”  Magnus sank to his knees and buried his face in his hands. “I could have saved her if I had been here.”

 

“Don’t do this to yourself,” Raphael told him as he knelt in front of him to rest his hands on his arms.  Raphael had never been an overly physically affectionate person as long as Magnus had known him. “Mags, please don’t do this to yourself.  This was bigger than some sadness that was going to pass. You couldn’t stay here without killing yourself in the process. You had to leave and go to college.  Your mother wanted you to practice law, and she knew what that would involve. She wanted you to always have the best, and not by being under your father’s thumb.  You accomplished everything she wanted for you and more. You made her so proud.”

 

“Don’t start that shit,” Magnus choked out as another wave of sadness crashed down and he leaned his forehead on his best friend’s shoulder.  

 

“Hey you two,” Ragnor poked his head in and slipped inside.  He had no hesitation as he took only a moment to cross the room and tug Magnus into his arms.  It was a good thing Magnus hadn’t done his usual full face of makeup or else Ragnor’s one and only suit would be completely ruined.  “Mags, we have to go down there. They want to get things started. Are you going to be okay?”

 

“I’ll be fine,” Magnus said after a moment as he made himself gather his tears together and stand up shakily.  He squeezed Ragnor’s shoulder affectionately in thanks as he spun to face the mirror and carefully wipe any tear tracks from his cheeks.  He looked awful, but maybe Raphael was right and today was not a day to be vain with his looks. This was the day he had to say his goodbyes, not impress anyone with how flawless he could put his armor on every morning.  He decided he was presentable enough and led his friends down the staircases he had played on too often as a small child. This house held so many memories and they bombarded him after being gone for so many years combined with the nostalgia that always came with the weight of a funeral.  

 

He walked into the main room downstairs where the guests were meant to  be gathered. His mother had been cremated last week and her urn stood proudly in front of the room next to a gorgeous picture from before Magnus knew her.  People all had taken their seats by now and Magnus was one of the last in the room, but he couldn’t help stopping in his tracks as he gazed around the room in shock.  

 

“He changed everything,” Magnus whispered in horror.  After news of his mother’s death had reached him it was no wonder as to who would be planning the funeral.  His father had no idea what his mother would have wanted at her memorial service and Magnus had figured he honestly wouldn’t care enough to plan anything at all.  He was always claiming to be so busy as long as Magnus had been alive. Too busy to be a father or a husband, so why would he suddenly have time to be a widower? Magnus had thrown himself into the planning with fervor to keep him busy until he had had to travel across the bridge back to the city he had grown up in.  He had planned every last detail the way he knew she would have wanted it and had the grim satisfaction that at least he could give her this much when he never bothered to be around enough when she was alive. 

 

Now everything was all wrong.

 

The flowers were now red instead of the pretty lavender and blue Magnus had picked out in person a few weeks ago.  The decor was all different and even the picture up front was a different one than the one he had had in mind to use for her final display.  It was completely typical of his father to undermine him like this and make it more about class and trend than about what anyone he claimed to love truly wanted.  He had taken Magnus’s last tribute to his mother and contorted it into something else entirely. 

 

“Come on  _ amigo _ ,” Raphael said softly to him as he steered him to the front row when his feet were too numb to even carry him.  He was forced to sit next to his father, but he couldn’t even look at him as waves of fury rolled in his stomach.  This was so wrong and he was robbed of peace even today. This was another move for business and not about what actually mattered.  

 

It didn’t seem like he would get any closure tonight, at least not from this.  

  
  



	2. A New Day has Come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far this has mixed reception and I hope as we get further into things you guys like it more. I wanted to start things off slower and make this kind of a slow burn sort of thing. Hope you guys give this a shot and please please leave me feedback!!!!

Magnus woke to darkness, well mostly darkness besides the hints of light peeking through the curtains.  He closed his eyes again and wished he could just fall back asleep. He glanced at the night stand and considered taking another sleeping pill before remembering he had run out last night.  Going back to the blissful peace of sleep wasn’t an option. He had to get up and face whatever the day brought him. He rolled over and pulled the sleep warm satin sheets close to his chin and tried to deny the reality of morning.  He was just about to fall asleep again when the knock came at the door. He let out a louder than probably necessary curse before he threw the covers away from him regretfully and pulled on the robe discarded on the floor. He tried not to trip over his kitty, Chairman Meow, on the way to the kitchen and subsequently the front door.   Raphael Santiago had a fucking key to what used to be his apartment as well before he got hitched to Simon, but he still knocked just to make him get out of bed and let him in. With any luck he wouldn’t bring Ragnor along today at least. 

 

The thing about making your grief and problems public was that everyone paid you attention you never asked for.  The question ‘are you okay’ grated on his ears each and every time he heard it. No, he wasn’t okay and everyone knew he wasn’t.  They knew how close he was to his mother and how much she meant to him each and every day. Her picture was the one he kept on his small desk at the law practice and she was the one he was always calling during his morning commute.  She was his friend as much as his mother. He wasn’t okay, and everyone could see it in the hollow gaze he had these days and the bags under his eyes from never sleeping long or very peacefully unless he was drugged beyond normal capacity for sleep.  

 

“Don’t you two have jobs?” Magnus grumbled as he opened the door and didn’t bother even looking at his friends before flopping down on his couch that had seen better days about a decade ago.   It was the couch that all of them had collapsed on completely wasted at one time or another. Raphael proposed to Simon on this stupid couch when they were snowed in a few years ago on Valentine’s day.  Ragnor had cried on this couch after his first shift as a paramedic and someone had jumped from the fifteenth floor that he couldn’t talk down. This couch held their lives in so many ways and even though everything was different now he couldn’t let go of the easier days.  

 

“I got off a few hours ago,” Ragnor told him as he carried in a box of fresh bakery muffins.  “Thought we would tempt you to eat something, even if it is nothing but sugar.”

 

“It’s nearly noon,” Raphael said and Magnus tried not to bristle at the hint of disapproval in his tone.  “We can’t have woken you this time.”

 

“You underestimate my sleeping skills,” Magnus griped at him, but took a coffee nonetheless and fished out a blueberry muffin from the box.  He wasn’t motivated to eat when he was alone, but at least part of him was interested in self preservation and he knew he had to eat at some point.  He leaned back into the couch cushions and knew instinctively that Ragnor was the one sitting close to him while Raphael had taken the armchair. 

 

“You guys don’t need to come over here every morning,” Magnus told him as guilt crept up to choke him..  Ragnor was exhausted he was sure after working twelve hours and Raphael was always busy between his family and being a project manager.  They hadn’t seen one another this often in years, at least since sometime in college. 

 

“We’ll be here every day until we’re sure you’re okay,” Ragnor said before biting into a muffin, the streusel topping tumbling onto his lap.  “You aren’t yet, so in the meantime we’ll all eat way too many calories.”

 

“If my  _ madre _ ever passes you’d be there for me,” Raphael told him without any hint of doubt.  They had been there through everything with one another over the years. Magnus had been best man at Raphael’s wedding to Simon with Ragnor standing right behind him.  Ragnor had been there at various hours of the day when Magnus had had yet another falling out with his father and needed an out. He wasn’t surprised these two had been on his couch every day for a week, but it didn’t make him feel any less guilty.

 

“I think I’m going back to work today.” Magnus hadn’t planned to say that.  He absolutely hadn’t been thinking of walking back into that shark tank a day before he had to.  It wasn’t that he didn’t love his job because he absolutely did, but he felt as though he was emotionally battered as it was.  He had felt way too much these last few weeks and he had nothing else to give anyone around him. 

 

“You’re living off of sleeping pills,” Raphael pointed out with a look over the rim of his coffee cup.  “You want to work like that?”

 

“I want to work and get my mind back to somewhere normal,” Magnus snapped in return as the idea of going back to work slowly made more and more sense to him.  

 

“I thought you were on leave for another week?” Ragnor pointed out as he gently put a hand on Magnus’s knee.  “You could just get outside a bit or go shopping instead of putting yourself through the stress of working?”

 

“I already went shopping the first three days after I got home.  Plus, it makes me miss her. The only place I escape being torn apart from the inside is somewhere that I’m too busy to think.  I just need….. A break.” He sighed heavily and knew a break was probably impossible. “Work will keep me focused. Plus, going back early will probably look good.  Herondale wasn’t thrilled about me taking off two weeks anyways.”

 

“He can-” Raphael began before Ragnor cut him off smartly.

 

“We will support you if you think that will help you get through this.”  He said sagely, his brown eyes meeting Magnus’s own green. But of course the moment Magnus got a hint of approval everything inside of him didn’t want to go. It was part of his nature that he had had ever since being a small boy.  The moment he had approval for something he wanted to do he absolutely wanted to do anything but that very thing. Magnus sighed and abandoned his half eaten muffin in the trash as he resigned himself to following through and putting on a suit for work.  He wouldn’t have the glam today, but his stick in the mud boss would hardly care. 

 

“Have you heard from Camille?” Raphael asked and Magnus heard a muffled curse as Ragnor no doubt hit him for asking.  

 

“No,” Magnus said shortly and hated the way his hands shook and his heart ached at the reminder that his girlfriend hadn’t even bothered to so much as call since his mother had died.  She was in Paris he knew, but he also knew she had read his messages thanks to the genius of technology. She had read them all but not said a word in return, let alone shown up for the funeral.  He probably shouldn’t expect such dedication, but he couldn’t help but think how Raphael hadn’t hesitated before booking a ticket home the moment he had choked out over the line that his mother was dead.  She loved him, he knew she did. Well she said she did often enough. She was manager of a fashion magazine and she went to shows out of town often. She was busy, that was all. She should be home this week and he was sure she had a reason for not calling.  

 

“She….” Ragnor wanted to probably say all the things running through his own head but Magnus couldn’t bear to hear that out loud.  He felt sick to his stomach thinking about the fact that she hadn’t called. That she was in another country and he had no idea if there was someone else in the picture.  

 

“She’s busy,” Magnus defended his girlfriend with his usual defensive tone he reserved for the courtroom and his father.  “She’s running fashion shows all weekend and travelling for most of them. I don’t need her to call.”

 

“Magnus come on,” Raphael said with a roll of his dark brown eyes.  “Why are you letting this go? You’ve been dating her for a year and she doesn’t have the decency to even send a fucking sympathy card like your new boss did when your mother died.  Stop making excuses for that bitch, whose only motivation is spite and selfishness.”

 

“Raphael really?” Ragnor said in exasperation, running a hand through his hair.  

 

“You guys need to go,” Magnus said firmly.  He shut the cutlery drawer a little harder than needed as he started to empty the dishwasher for something to do with his hands.  “I’m going to see what’s been going on at the office. I’m supposed to go back on Monday anyways and I don’t want to be blindsided.” He folded the two dishtowels carefully and put them on their appropriate hooks.  

 

“I’m sorry,” He jumped when Raphael laid a hand on his arm.  “I don’t like to see anyone mistreating you. She disappointed you and you deserve better.”

 

“Take your muffins,” Magnus replied, though his tone had somewhat softened finally.   “Guys, I’m going to be okay. I miss her constantly, but I’m going to have to get used to that.  Thank you for being here, even if I’m a grumpy asshole.”

 

“Raphael’s been that way our whole friendship so you’re allowed a week or so,” Ragnor said as he pulled him into a brief hug while smirking in Raphael’s direction.  “I’m not taking the muffins because after dealing with your boss you need all the sweetness you can get.”

 

“ _ Te amo hermano, _ ” Raphael said quietly as he hugged him.  Magnus watched them both leave and instantly regretted the quiet once the door clicked shut.  He liked the peace, but he hated the way his mind continued to race a million miles an hour when he was left alone.  He slipped on a royal purple shirt and did up the buttons quickly and efficiently, feeling some sense of control coming back to him.  He slipped on the light grey suit jacket and slacks, completing the look with a tie to bring it all together. He never thought he would ever enjoy a job where you had to put on a suit each and every day, but he found a sense of having his life together and control over his life when he put on this figurative armor and went out into the world.  He was in the top ten percent of his class at law school which is why he got hired at one of the best private firms in Manhattan. They had ten partners working for them and only two associates like Magnus around. It was a position he could have only dreamed of when he started law school almost four years ago. 

 

He hailed a taxi and sighed as he sank into the cheap leather of the backseat, gazing mindlessly at the building whizzing by.  He loved his job, even if the partner he was under was a bit of a hardass, and he excelled at it when given a chance. He hated the paperwork, but the adrenaline that ran through him when he was putting together a defense case was like nothing he had ever felt.  He knew his defensive nature got him in trouble on several occasions outside of a courtroom, but inside he was absolutely ruthless. He loved learning the boundaries of the law, and then using those same boundaries to work in the favor of his client. 

 

He paid a generous tip to the driver before heading in the side door of the practice.  The buzz of life he felt stepping inside felt unfamiliar to him after so long of apathy and quiet.  He felt a small smile appear on his face as he made his way to the small office he had adjourning to Will Herondale.  His boss’s desk was empty at the moment, for which Magnus was grateful for. He needed a moment to absorb the moment his life had to move on without Evianna Bane in it.  The thought caused a sharp pain to rock through him and the sting of tears hit the back of his eyes. This was it, she was really gone and he was left to navigate the world alone.  

 

“Magnus!” Catarina Loss was one of the paralegals for the firm, and she was damn good at what she did.  He would have never survived Herondale’s strict orders without her pulling up files faster than he could think he needed them.  “You’re back already? I thought Will mentioned he wouldn’t get you back until Monday?”

 

“Get me back?” Magnus echoed as he embraced her lightly.  His heart gave a pleased little flip at the tiny insight that his boss might not hate him after all.  “Does that mean Herondale admitted to missing me?”

 

“If you tell anyone I said it… well nobody will believe it anyways,” Cat said with a smirk.  She folded her arms and fixed him with her pale, crystalline blue eyes. “How are you doing?”

 

“Well, I’m back to work early so that should tell you something,” Magnus joked with a smile he didn’t really feel.  “I’m...hanging in there. Please tell me it’s been a busy week with cases?”

 

“Bane!” His boss was striding quickly down the hallway and Magnus felt a wave of nerves nearly as intense as his very first day.  Will was breathtaking in looks as well as when Magnus saw him in court. Magnus had met top notch lawyers, but none of them met the passion Herondale had when he was defending someone.  His jet black hair was messy in the best way and his blue eyes were a marvel to look at, even if most of the time they seemed icy and could cut through you without hesitation. His cheekbones were sharp and defined and a dimple appeared if you ever got him to crack an honest smile rather than his trademark smirk.  Magnus had only seen it once during a memorable lunch hour when his husband had come to visit him. “What the hell are you doing here? Your leave was until Monday.”

 

“I wanted to catch up on the caseload,” Magnus said as confidently as he could, trying not to revert to the scared intern he was not too long ago.  Will reminded him of his father in ridiculous ways. His boss wasn’t nearly as condescending as Asmodeus was on a good day. “Is… Is it okay that I’m here?”

 

Well, there went being confident.

 

Herondale blinked at him a few times before a small, and dare he say concerned, frown appeared between his eyes.  “Well, it happens that a case came in this morning and since I already have six on my plate I was going to give it to you Monday.  I’ll brief you about it. Catarina, some coffee?”

 

“Yes sir,’ Catarina said happily as she squeezed Magnus’s wrist discreetly before disappearing to their kitchenette.  Magnus inhaled the familiar smell of leather as he sat across from his boss and drank in the familiarity of the situation.  A case he could work on now. It was the perfect thing to get his mind off of everything else for awhile. 

 

Cat delivered their coffee with a small smile before going back up front to her duties.  Magnus sipped the coffee, so grateful Catarina knew just how he liked it by now. She was a blessing in his life and made his transition to the firm almost seamless.  Will was staring at him closely and it was weird change in dynamic between them that made Magnus shift uneasily. 

 

“So...the case?” Magnus prompted, terrified that Will might ask how he was or something like that and that would just be too weird to process.

 

“Right,” WIll said, placing his mug down and picking up the file on top of the pile.  He opened it and Magnus saw the file wa thicker than most of the ones he got handed on his own.  “So, this case is….. Sensitive which is why you’ll actually be better suited for it than I. It should be fairly straightforward, but you’ll be prosecuting instead of defending.”

 

“Prosecuting?” Magnus got out as he swallowed his scalding coffee too quickly.  “I don’t prosecute WIll! I’m a defense attorney.”

 

“You’re not anything nine months out of school except for what I tell you to be,” WIll told him harshly with his gaze harsh enough to cut through steel.  “Prosecuting is the same thing as defense, except for the other side. Besides, trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to play defense on this one. It’s a domestic violence case, and you’re representing  Clary Fray against her ex-husband Sebastian Morganstern. The hardest part will probably be just getting your testimonies together. It’s more a sensitivity issue than a difficulty issue. You should have absolutely no problem with this one.”

 

“He….did this to her?” Magnus said hollowly as he flipped through the pictures accompanying the file.  The damage to this poor girl’s body was horrific. Old injuries mingled with new over pale skin, burns covered in bruising so intense it must have been from broken bones.  She had been through hell, and it made Magnus’s stomach roll. If his mother’s injuries could have been tangible she would probably have looked similar to this. 

 

“So, where is she?” Magnus asked, knowing he would have to talk to this poor woman, even if she’d already been through enough.  

 

“She’s at a hospital about an hour from here.  I’ll get you the details.,” Will told him, a hint of pride in his steely eyes.  “I advise not going near a hospital until late afternoon, and tread delicately. The last thing you want to do is scare off your key witness. She does have to testify, I’ll tell you that right off the bat.  No case like this has been won in the span of my career without a testimony from the victim.” 

 

“Right, well you certainly gave me a project to keep me busy,” Magnus said hollowly as the pictures still flashed in front of his mind.  He had not expected anything like this his first day back after his personal leave. He got up, sensing Will now had other matters to attend to, and collapsed at his desk, smiling at the pictures he had dotted around his office.  The one of his mother and him enjoying a day on the beach together made a lump rise to his throat abruptly mixed with the pictures that he didn’t think were about to ever leave his mind. He knew he had a million things to do to even start to prepare for this case, but all he could do was stare at this picture fixedly.  

 

“Magnus?” Cat appeared at his door, startling him from his idle staring.  “Um, are you okay?”

 

To his horror he realized once again he had been crying without realizing it.  He wiped his cheeks hurriedly and cleared his throat. “Yeah, Cat, I’m fine. Did you need something?”

 

“That blonde is here to see you,” She said softly, looking at him with naked concern.  “Camille is her name I think?”

 

“Alright,” Magnus took a deep breath while shock ran through his system for the second time since this morning.  This was not the kind of day he needed right now. He should be glad Camille was here. She was his girlfriend, and more than that she was the love of his life.  He knew the grief was clouding his emotions and muddling up most of his thoughts. He was aiming to get a break from everything his emotions were putting him through, but that wasn’t destined to happen today.

 

He took a few more deep breaths before telling Catarina he would be back as soon as he could and asked her to check when visiting hours ended at Bellevue hospital.  He fidgeted with his cufflinks as he swiftly walked towards the doors that led to the side parking lot where Camille would be waiting. He was looking forward to seeing her somewhat, except for the lingering anger that she had missed his mother’s funeral completely without even a call or a text after it happened.  

 

She looked stunning leaning against her fire engine red convertible, her dress riding up pleasantly against her pale thighs.  Magnus had missed her on a carnal level, and right now he would give anything to lose himself in satin sheets with her blonde hair draped around his shoulders.  If there was one thing Camille excelled at besides fashion, it was avoiding any and all emotions. Her smile was too bright against the backdrop of grey Magnus felt invading his mind for weeks.  He folded his arms as he walked towards her, unsure of how to act. On the one hand he was happy to see someone who wouldn’t look at him with that pity in their eyes, and on the other hand he was pissed that she was cold as ice even in the face of the worst moment of his life.  

 

“I thought you were off on Fridays?” She asked him with her trademark pout adorning her plump lips stained with the usual red lipstick.  “I came home a day early to surprise you. Thought we could put those extra dollars you refuse to spend on rent to good use.”

 

“I’ve been off for almost two weeks,” Magnus replied, confusion welling up inside of him.  DId she not even read his messages? Was she playing some kind of game? Was she going to make him ask?  

 

“Can you take the afternoon off?” She asked him softly as she walked closer to trail a hand up his arm to wrap around the back of his neck, caressing the back of it gently.  “We have….catching up to do.”

 

“I just got a huge case,” Magnus said numbly, eyes slipping closed involuntarily at the touch.  He leaned into her slim fingers as they tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck. 

 

“But aren’t you off until Monday?” She whispered in his ear huskily before biting his earlobe.  “You still have those satin sheets, don’t you?”

 

“I…” Magnus wanted to give into her.  He wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong and the last two weeks had never happened.  He wanted his mom to be alive and well in the too large house by the Hudson river. He wanted her to scold him on how shallow Camille was and how he deserved so much more in a lover.  

 

The thought of his mom made everything that was heating up between them go ice cold.  He kissed her neck gently before gently pushing her away. “Cam, I can’t do….anything right now.  Ever since my mom….” The lump in his throat choked off his speech and he blinked rapidly as he stared at her shining convertible to stop the tears from falling.

 

“I thought you’d want to...celebrate life?” She offered and Magnus could still hear the pout she was trying to hide.  “Make the most of things? Your mom died so young and that’s horrible, but she would want you to still love people to the fullest.”

 

“You didn’t even meet her,” Magnus snapped, letting the anger be felt instead of pushing it aside.  “You never once met the most important woman in my life. Then I text you to tell her she’s passed and you don’t come to the funeral!”

 

“I was at a fashion show in Paris,” She said hotly, pushing him away fully.  “You had your friends and you aren’t five years old Magnus! I’m sorry she died, but being here wouldn’t have brought her back.  You have to deal with your stuff.”

 

“Deal with my stuff? What the fuck kind of attitude is that?” Magnus glared at her and remembered all the reasons she drove him insane.  “You mean the stuff where I’ve been too depressed to even get out of bed? The stuff involving that I’m pretty sure my mother actually committed suicide because my father is a harsh, abusive, son of a bitch? That stuff Camille?  You’re right, why would I want you here for any of that stuff?”

 

“What would you want me here for?  Your friends don’t exactly like me?” She crossed her arms, green eyes smoldering in anger.

 

“They might like you a bit more if you proved yourself to be a decent girlfriend,” Magnus muttered out of frustration.

 

“Maybe I’d be more enthusiastic to be your girlfriend if you could prove you were husband material,”  She shot back scathingly. “My friends are all having fabulous expensive weddings and buying their first homes while I’m stuck living with my parents because despite my boyfriend promising he’ll buy us a place he’s still in his college apartment.  I’m waiting for you to grow the hell up Magnus, but you seem incapable of that. Your friends are even farther along in life than you are. All you’re good for is the sex these days I swear to you.”

 

“Fuck you Cammie,” Magnus snapped, and he could easily admit that wasn’t his best comeback but he had nothing more to go on.  He should be moving on with his life with a new apartment and thinking about marriage. College was over now, and had been for almost a year.  He had no real reason to stay in the apartment he had moved into at eighteen, except that it was the first place that had ever felt like home. 

 

“Real mature Mags,” She said with a heavy sigh and a roll of her green eyes.  “So, you want to go home alone tonight and jerk off, or do you want to come with me and at least have a good time?  I know I wasn’t here for the funeral, but I can make the pain go away for a little while now?” 

 

“I’ll see you tonight,” Magnus said, hating himself.  He knew he should stay away from her when he was feeling this vulnerable, but he had always liked what was bad for him.  She looked at him for a brief moment before slipping her sunglasses over her eyes and smoothly slipping behind the wheel of her car.  

 

This was a mess.  


	3. Make Me Feel Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I missed a week, but in my defense I had my mom here for the week so that distracted me. But updating schedule is back to normal now hopefully. This chapter we finally meet Alec, yay! SO originally I was going to only write from Magnus's POV in this story which is quite a different style for me, but would you rather I switch it up like I normally do? Or do you like having only one POV more so you can connect further with one character? Let me know this week what you think and I'll decide soon. See you all next Monday :)

He was late.  

 

Magnus swore as he shot up from the bed, realizing he had slept through his alarm.  He had scheduled a time to meet with Clary at ten forty-five, and it was already ten-thirty now.  He swore again as though it would help the situation while he pulled on a suit he kept in the back of Camille’s closet.  She acted like she was so put out staying with her parents, but she did get the basement suite which was far nicer than the apartment he’d kept for six years. It was a full two bedroom suite with one bath and a sitting area including a full kitchen that was never touched.  Her parents kept it fully furnished and Magnus had no doubt she could take everything with her when she left. 

 

 Her lawyer may live in Manhattan, but Clary Fray lived as far from the big city as you could and still remain in their jurisdiction.  It was nearly an hour to get there and Magnus had fifteen minutes. He drank a large glass of water to get rid of the fog out of his mind lingering from sleep.   He grabbed a jacket to take with him and his wallet and keys before quietly sneaking out the door. 

 

He sped off and took a few minutes to gather his thoughts before he called Ragnor, his new go to call he made in the morning now that his mother wasn’t around any longer.  He preferred to talk on the phone while he was driving so the trip went by faster and it kept him calm from all the idiot drivers encountered daily. He hadn’t seen his friends since Camille was back in town, and it wasn’t because she demanded all his time, but rather it was due to shame.  He knew he should be coping better than he was by now. He felt so incredibly lost and he was doing anything to numb the pain, even habits his mother would absolutely kill him for. 

 

“Aren’t you calling me late?” Ragnor’s voice came over the speaker and Magnus tried to make himself relax and not immediately regret calling.  

 

“I turned off my alarm one time too many,” Magnus said around a sigh.  “Now I need to drive to nowhere-ville to see my client. She’s still in the hospital from what that bastard did to her.  I have to use ever sensitive bone in my body so wish me luck.”

 

“You act tough, but you know how to be a softie when you need to be,” Ragnor replied, holding back a yawn.  Magnus was sure he was exhausted from working long hours and the toll it took on his body and mind. 

 

“Work go okay?” Magnus asked quietly, changing lanes and resisting the temptation to speed as he texted his client to say he was running late.  The pause following his question told Magnus that work was definitely less than okay and that Ragnor had had a not so great night. 

 

“It was okay,” Ragnor said heavily.  Magnus felt guilt squirm in his stomach that he hadn’t been around for his friends much in weeks now.  “I just…. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to come home alone.”

 

“Alone isn’t always a bad thing,” Magnus said, thinking of Camille and what a mess he was in now.  He bit his lip and wanted to just tell Ragnor all the dirty details of the past five days. How Camille had him hooked on Xanax to keep the panic and depression at bay and how he was smoking again, and not only cigarettes.  He was drowning in drugs and sex, two things that were nothing more than a temporary fix. 

 

“Raphael says you haven’t been home in a week,” Ragnor changed a subject they would never find themselves agreeing on.  Ragnor had always been very selective about his relationships, and had yet to cross the line to being sexually intimate with anyone while Magnus was quite free with his heart and his body.  

 

"I’ve been with Cammie,” Magnus said, trying not to let guilt rise.  He knew his friends saw in Camille what he let himself see only rarely.  He knew she was shallow and hardly the one to hold his heart and soul, but she was fun and made him laugh.  She was a good friend and the sex was addictive. 

 

“Right,” Ragnor said and though he tried to keep disapproval out of his tone Magnus could still hear it loud and clear.  

 

“She isn’t that bad,” Magnus defended his choices out of instinct and tried not to sound like he always  did with his father. 

 

“Forgive me if I don’t believe you Mags,” Ragnor said gently. “You said that about Woosley and he used to choke you for a good time.”

 

The mention of his ex-boyfriend in their freshman year of college made his stomach roll and twist and Magnus wouldn’t even let himself think about that nightmare.  He felt his hands start to shake and he hated himself for being so weak that only hearing his name made him shake like a leaf. 

 

“She wasn’t there because she couldn’t make anything better and she had work to do across an ocean,” Magnus related to his friend, trying to get at least Ragnor on his side.  “She just isn’t great with emotions and stuff. Funerals are a lot for her to handle and I was a mess and too much to handle -- “

 

“You are never too much to handle,” Ragnor cut him off with his voice sounding much more firm and awake than before.  “She should have been there, no excuse. She isn’t some new girl you had a one night stand with. She is your girlfriend and has been for almost a year.  Don’t let her do this to you and act like your feelings aren't valid. That’s what Asmodeus does and it drives me fucking crazy.”

 

“We made up,” Magnus summed up shortly and gave in to going a bit faster as he passed a truck that looked less than steady on the right side of him.  “She’s actually helped me get through this week, more or less anyways.”

 

“The girl with no sense of empathy has helped you,” Ragnor repeated dryly.  “I’m not sure her methods are ones Raphael or I would agree with.”

 

“It’s not like you’ve never used anything unhealthy to deal with hard things,” Magnus snapped at him, hating that he felt defensive against his own best friend.  

 

“Touche,” Ragnor agreed with a small chuckle.  “I just hope you’re taking care of yourself, okay?  WIth or without Camille by your side. She’s gotten flighty recently and less dependable.  I just…. I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

 

“I’m almost there,” Magnus may have exaggerated the truth a  bit, but this conversation wasn’t exactly clearing his head. “Thanks for waiting up to talk to me.  Normally I’d call mom… but I can’t exactly do that anymore.”

 

“You call me whenever you need me, got that?” Ragnor told him.  Magnus sighed and thought that he might actually go home tonight.  “Come over for dinner. I’ll invite Raphael and Simon over with Freddy.  You haven’t seen your nephew in ages.”

 

“Yeah I think I need some space from Cammie,” Magnus agreed as he pulled off the highway in record time.  “I”ll let you know when I’m on my way. Let’s plan for five?”

 

“See you then,” Ragnor said before the line went silent.  Magnus immediately missed the company, but knew he would have to face his own thoughts sooner or later.  He slowed the car to what felt like a crawling speed of thirty-five miles an hour after going ninety most of the way here.  He wasn’t ready to meet this woman that had been victimized so horribly by a man who had sworn to love her by the bonds of matrimony.  As much as Magnus loved a new relationship he wasn’t so sure he would ever get married. According to his mother his own father had changed drastically after the wedding night, and he definitely wasn’t the only one Magnus knew of.  

 

He drove into the parking lot, nervous as hell and dreading this interview.  He turned off the car and leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes and trying to steel himself for the sight he was about to see, let alone the details of her story.  He had to separate this poor woman from his mother. They weren’t the same, and his mother hadn’t gone through anything this horrific. His father hadn’t treated her well by any means, but it was a far cry to what Sebastian had done.  

 

“She isn’t like mom,” Magnus said aloud as he straightened his tie and grabbed his passenger bag he carried the files in.  He easily went up to the designated floor and was only stopped by a fierce looking nurse that glared at him like he committed a crime by existing.  This ICU only had eight beds so Magnus hardly even had to talk to this nurse at all, except that she was loudly in his way, demanding to know who he was and what kind of business he had here.  

 

“I’m her lawyer,” Magnus said for the fourth time, trying to convince this woman that was indeed old enough to be a prosecutor and that no he wasn’t the last resort of the firm.  “I just need to talk to her as a preliminary meeting.”

 

“Do you have some kind of proof?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.  She had a hand on her hip and wouldn’t let him sneak a toe past the desk.  She was had a good thirty pounds on him and looked like she wouldn’t hesitate to tackle Magnus if the situation rose for it.  

 

“You’re here for Clary?” A rich voice asked behind him.  Magnus hoped that wasn’t actually some kind of security guard and, rather, that it was someone to help him.  He turned with a snappy defensive statement on his tongue, only to have all words leave his brain as he set eyes on the tall man in front of him.  He was at least four inches taller than Magnus with his voice rich and smooth. His hair was messy in the best kind of way, like you had just run your fingers through it for hours.   Magnus saw a hint of a tattoo by the shoulder of his scrub top and he snapped his eyes up to hazel ones before realizing what a mistake that was. This man was gorgeous and his eyes were bottomless.  Magnus gazed into their depths, and felt sure he would drown. “What business do you have with Ms. Fray?”

 

“I’m her lawyer,” Magnus said numbly, wishing this wasn’t his first conversation with a man like this.  He also wished his confidence was up to it’s normal level and that he didn’t sound like some lame nerd. “I’m here….just for a conversation really.”

 

“Ms. Fray is in an incredibly vulnerable emotional state, not to mention her physical injuries have barely begun to heal,” The doctor folded his arms with a frown and even through his white coat Magnus could tell he had muscle upon muscle under those sleeves.  He’d never been so turned on and so intimidated in the same moment. “I don’t think what she needs right now is to be speaking with her lawyer.”

 

“Dr…” Magnus trailed off, hoping this man would go with the flow and supply his last name.  Mr. tall and grumpy sighed before rolling his eyes and cooperating.

 

“Dr. LIghtwood,” He supplied and Magnus could swear his eyes wandered down his own body.  

 

“Right Dr. LIghtwood,” Magnus straightened and knew he had to get hold of himself and hold his ground if he wanted to get a start on the case that could change his career.  “I am well aware of Clary’s condition and I respect that immensely, but I am only here to help but the bastard away that did this to her for many years to come. I want to give her peace and comfort in knowing there is not way that man can ever come near her again.  I won’t be long, maybe twenty minutes.”

 

“She has a visitor with her,” Lightwood said, but his tone was much less firm than it had been before.  He shifted on his feet, but his arms remained crossed on the defensive. “Jace is a close friend of hers, can he stay for this part of things?  Emotional support?”

 

The answer was technically no, but this doctor was obviously very protective of this particular patient so Magnus figured that with Clary’s permission he could get enough information to get started with.  “That would be entirely up to her. If she wants him to stay, then I don’t have a problem with it. 

 

“She’s in the last bed,’ Dr. LIghtwood supplied, finally unfolding his arms and leading the way down the short hallway.  “I’ll draw up a full medical report for you to take with you when you leave.”

 

“You’ve worked with lawyers before,” Magnus said, a tad surprised.  He stopped close to Dr. LIghtwood and got a whiff of his cologne which made his stomach flip in a familiar, but entirely unwelcome, way.  

 

“Unfortunately,” was the doctor’s snide reply as he walked to lead the way to the last room on the hall.  Magnus followed and fidgeted with his tie nervously. This was only his fourth case alone since graduating law school and he appreciated the support from his boss, but he deprecatingly thought he might be over his head.  

 

The first thought when he set eyes on Clary Fray was how small she was.  The top of her head might come up to his shoulder at most, but that might have just been the way the hospital gown swallowed her up and how pale her complexion was under the bruises that covered more than half of her face.  

 

“Who is he?” A voice said hatefully and that’s when Magnus’s gaze was drawn to the young man seated by Clary’s bedside, the emotional support.  He was strikingly beautiful with his chiseled features and his heterochromatic gaze burning brightly. His blonde hair had looked like it hadn’t been washed in a couple of days and it was obvious he had been running his hands through it often the last few days.  One glance at the doctor and Magus knew what brand of beautiful he undoubtedly favored. Nothing had ever cut through him the way those hazel eyes did when they glanced his direction. 

 

“Clary,” Dr. Lightwood’s voice was gentle and soothing as he came to stand next to the tall blonde man.  He squatted down so he was below Clary’s eye level and it seemed to make her relax just a bit. She seemed incredibly nervous, but that was completely reasonable for her to be wary of men she didn’t know when one she had known intimately had destroyed her in every way a person can be destroyed.  “Clary, this is Magnus. He is here to help you put Sebastian behind bars forever we hope. He’s just here to talk to you for a bit.”

 

The woman only looked at him and Magnus could see she barely even trusted him, let alone some stranger in a suit.  He shifted his weight and bumped a chair behind him which scraped loudly against the tile floor. Magnus winced as he watched the heart monitor spike as Clary visibly flinched and Jace glared at him heavily.  

 

This was going to be a long meeting.

 

~~~

 

Magnus walked out of the hospital room an hour later and found himself needing to lean against the wall to gather his thoughts so that they weren’t spinning quite to fast.  When you thought of towns like this one, you thought of peace and tranquility. Of nice townspeople who were always willing to lend a helping hand and always being on a first name basis with everyone else in town.  This town might hold true to some of those stereotypes, but not from the stories he had just heard. That girl had enough physical evidence to put this man away for a long time, and if she were brave enough to bear witness, well there was no way in hell any jury would deny her the privilege of seeing this horrible man put behind bars.  He had listened to every detail of her horror story of a life for years and now he felt absolutely unhinged. 

 

The worst part for him to hear wasn’t how drunk he would get some nights and accuse her of things she simply had never done.  Some nights his mind was more satisfied by hitting her until she could no longer stand. It was the broken way she spoke of his sober days, the countless number of them.  The way he made her feel so small and so helpless, and like she could never be anything without him. The times she would try and leave only to have him call crying and telling her he was going to kill himself if he didn’t have her to hold onto.   How she felt so trapped and helpless, having no way to know if he would follow through on these threats. Magnus could recall his own mother saying similiar things about his father….and how he failed her in so many ways. 

 

“She doesn’t have a fun story,” Dr. Lightwood’s voice cut through his thoughts.  Magnus jumped slightly and tried to calm down his racing heart and wiped his clammy hands on his jeans.  The doctor was studying him closely with a furrowed brow and eyes that didn’t seem to judge him as harshly as before.  

 

“It’s an awful story,” Magnus finally said when he felt he could speak without his voice shaking.  “I don’t think we should have a problem putting him away. He certainly got less careful towards the end.  It also helps that Clary kept records of their conversations and voicemails. I told her to get a new phone and to give the old one over for custody.”

 

“You’re new to this,” Lightwood said, still watching him closely.  “You don’t seem like the lawyers I’ve met before. You seem more vulnerable to human emotion.”

 

Magnus could only smirk as he thought of his impression of his boss for weeks.  Will certainly seemed like he was outside any and all human emotion. It wasn’t until he met James, WIll’s partner, that he saw a slightly softer side of the man.  

 

“Vulnerability makes you weak in some ways,’ Magnus said as he let himself briefly look into LIghtwood’s eyes.  They got no less captivating the second time around he was sure about that. 

 

“I used to think that,” LIghtwood agreed with a light sigh.  “It took me a long time to learn that being vulnerable makes you stronger in the end.”  He held out a folder between his long fingers. Magnus swallowed hard as their fingers brushed lightly against one another’s when he took the file and slipped it into his bag.  He might be imagining sparks, but the butterflies in his stomach were hard to ignore. He hadn’t felt such a rush from something as simple as brushing fingers in ages now. Before Camille he had slept with numerous people, but he couldn’t remember the last time he found pleasure in innocence and simplicity.  

 

“Thank you,” Magnus said breathlessly, and he couldn’t bring himself to clarify it was for the files and not for the awakening of something he had thought he would never feel again.  He wasn’t single by any stretch of the imagination, but things with Camille were always so carnal, so intense. They never walked down the quiet streets at night holding hands and he certainly never found a moment of peace with only brushing their fingers together.  These days he was hardly ever in his right mind around her, let alone anything resembling peace. 

 

“Well,” Lightwood seemed to be just as captivated with him as he was with the tall doctor.  “I assume I’ll be seeing you again. Clary should be in here for at least another week, longer if I can make that happen.  I think she needs a break and somewhere she knows is completely safe.”

 

“I’ll come back,” Magnus confirmed with a small smile.  He took one long lasting glance at Dr. Lightwood before he made himself walk out and back to his own life.  He shivered involuntarily as he hit the pavement of the parking lot and walked slowly to his car. He tossed his bag in the backseat and simply leaned against his car for a moment.  He had almost moved here eight years ago, back when he had thought maybe his father had done one decent thing for him. That Victorian style home was beautiful and unique, everything Magnus had once believed himself to be.  He could have lived out here where the world seemed to turn a little more slowly. Might have found himself going to the same undergrad as the gorgeous doctor inside and then maybe he wouldn’t be feeling so empty. 

 

He shook his head and got back into his car to turn his phone on and connect to his life that he told himself he loved so much.  He was a city boy through and through and that stupid house would have been more of a hassle than anything else. His mother would have still left him in this emotional mess and nothing was about to tear him apart any less over that.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I have been working a lot on this fic today and I AM SO EXCITED. Shit is about to get so so good. Don't get comfortable yet is all I'm going to say. Camille is the bitch we all know she is and we get another run in with Dr. Lightwood. Magnus is...oh I love him in this because he's problematic. He just needs to be hugged for a million years me thinks. Anyways I hope you guys enjoy this and expect another chapter this week more than likely since I'm having a writing session tonight, possibly tomorrow morning and definitely Thursday. Happy reading :)

Magnus closed Camille’s door, white, polished, and smooth against his back, and tried to calm down his anxiety before seeing her. This case was high profile, and completely exhausting for him. All day it felt like he was moments away from a panic attack, with his heart racing and his chest feeling impossibly tight. Sebastian was a messed up guy, and his entire history lead him up to this moment. The moment where he beat his wife within an inch of her life and left her to die. Only she didn’t die that night on her kitchen floor. She lived long enough for her friend Jace to find her and call for an ambulance. She lived through three surgeries so far. She lived long enough to share her story and be brave enough to try and put that man in prison. 

“Magnus?” Camille’s voice rang through the small basement apartment. Her tone was light and lofty which meant she had already started the fun without him. He was tired of masking everything he was feeling, but at the same time he had no idea how to process anything since all of it was mostly in his head. He had no proof his mother had committed suicide or that his father was mostly responsible for it. He didn’t want to delve into his grief either because he was honestly afraid of where that would take him. He froze when he saw two wine glasses on the coffee table, red lipstick staining one of them. 

“Who was here?” He asked in a stiff voice as he froze while taking off his shoes. 

“What do you mean?” She asked, appearing in the forest green lingerie he bought her last Christmas. She looked absolutely stunning in that color and he felt his heart skip a beat even as anger was filling him. She followed his gaze to the wine glasses and her mask fell for a few moments before she hurried to keep her face impassive. Magnus sighed and rolled his eyes while he went to make himself a drink. She bit her lip briefly before following him. 

“Magnus, it isn’t what you think.” She said and her voice wasn’t nearly as lofty now. “I’m really not sober enough for you to yell at me.”

“You’re hardly ever sober,” Magnus snapped in return as he poured more rum than coke into a tall glass. He really just wanted to take anxiety medication and pass the hell out, but he likely was going to go to his own apartment tonight. 

“He was just a friend,” Camille said with defiance in her voice. “You put in over twelve hours today and I was lonely. He just came over to talk over a few glasses of wine.”

“Isn’t a few glasses of wine how I ended up with you in the first place?” Magnus countered with an urge to smash both glasses against the wall as he passed them on the way to the bedroom. “I’m a lawyer Cammie, and it takes a lot of work to make the money I make. You fucked him on that couch and you expect me not to notice or care about that? Why do you always treat me like I’m some fuckboy you have on the side?”

“What do you do with your so-called money Magnus? I am so sick of going nowhere with our lives!” His stomach tightened as he couldn’t help but notice she didn’t deny his accusations. The argument was nothing new and Magnus knew she had a point but he also knew it wasn’t a reason to cheat. “You haven’t gotten me a ring, or gotten us a house, or even shown the slightest indication you were planning for any of that!”

“You really want to ask me that after cheating on me? Do you think I have no self-respect?” Magnus’s voice was raised to a shout now as he roughly pulled his tie off and let it fall to the floor. “You have some real fucking nerve Camille!”

“I want you to wake the hell up Magnus and realize you are expendable,” She hissed as she folded her arms tightly. “I don’t have to be with you. I choose to be.”

“I’m well aware that every man in any room stares at you when you walk in,” Magnus bit his lip and tried to get ahold of his anger. He couldn’t deal with this after the long day he’d had. He couldn’t cope with being shoved aside by the woman that was supposed to love him. “Do you just want to be with me for the money I’m supposed to have?” He asked wearily. 

“The money you do have, but you won’t use?” She rolled her eyes. “Is this where I’m supposed to be all humble and tell you that the money doesn’t mean anything and I would be happy living in some homeless shelter with you? Magnus, money buys happiness as much as hippies don’t want to admit that. The only people to say otherwise don’t have money. I want to be comfortable and I want to get the hell out of my parent’s basement by now.”

“I’m going to my place,” Magnus said finally, the fight leaving him and the tears stinging his eyes as he spotted a man’s sock that wasn’t his peeking out from under the bed. He picked his tie up and shoved it in his pocket and brushed past her to the door. 

“Of course you’re leaving,” Camille scoffed as she followed him past the wine glasses a second time. 

“Of course I’m leaving,” Magnus echoed. “You haven’t even bothered to apologize for sleeping with another man. You need to realize I might never be the man you dream up in your head. I don’t need someone with me that only wants the man I’m supposed to be as a lawyer. I want someone who would have dated a guy that walked into the bar on his last twenty just to escape reality and still chose to buy a beautiful girl a drink. There’s other lawyers in New York Camille, so stop fucking up my life unless you plan to stay around to fix it.”

She was speechless as he slammed the door behind him. He didn’t let a single tear fall until he had walked at least eight blocks away and was almost home. The tears he had fought all day long as thoughts of his mother mixed with the reality of Clary’s situation combined with what he had come home to. He missed his mother more and more as the weeks went by instead of the pain ebbing away. He wanted to just call her and have her rant again about how awful Camille was for him because ever since her supposed accident he had felt like he deserved the treatment from Camille as karma for never rescuing the woman who needed him most. He didn’t deserve anything good right now. 

He let himself into his building and shivered at the sudden warmth cocooning him as he climbed to the third floor and went to the apartment in the back right corner. He opened the stairwell door and was almost surprised that Raphael was at his door. His friends hadn’t given up on him for one moment no matter how much he had ignored them and pushed them away. 

“What….Hi, Raphael,” Magnus was about to ask his usual question of what the hell Raphael was doing there but then he realized he wanted his friend there. He tried to wipe his cheeks of rainwater and tears before Raphael picked up on that he had been crying. He knew he should just tell him that Camille was a cheating bitch and part of him would be extremely satisfied to hear his friend trash talk her but his heart ached too much for that right now.

“You look like hell,” Raphael told him as he pulled him into a tight hug. Magnus’s resolve crumbled as he was brought into the familiar embrace. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could but he felt some tears break free once again and dripped onto Raphael’s neck. He knew his friend felt them when he only held him tighter to him. “Come, let’s get you inside and warm.” 

Magnus was lead into his own apartment and Chairman wound around his legs happily. He bent to pick him up and cuddled him close, comforted by the rhythmic purring against his chest. The air felt stale in here as he had barely been here more than a half an hour at a time to feed his cat and grab clothes before he was gone again. Raphael was silently turning on the furnace and turning on lights so they could see one another properly. 

“Mags, you can talk to me. I promise you I’m on your side. I’m worried about you. ” Raphael said kindly. Magnus let Chairman free to roam as he took his jacket off and draped it on his couch. He was lost as he stared at his own kitchen and couldn’t remember the last time he had sipped a cup of fresh coffee in it. He had jumped from staying in his childhood home to staying with Camille. The last time he had spent real time here his mother had been alive and well across the city. She had bought him the finest coffee machine money could buy when he got his first job with Herondale. Her card had joked that she knew this would all he would live on for a few weeks and the package had also come with all sorts of different coffees to try. 

This was why he had avoided being home since the accident. 

He didn’t want to cry. Not over Camille and her petty shit she always put him through. He had brought this on himself when he got in that damn shiny, red convertible nearly two weeks ago. She wasn’t good for him and he knew it, but he let her use him to her heart’s content because he was too pathetic to be alone. 

“You don’t need to worry,” Magnus got out after a few moments of silence. Raphael would definitely want to kill Camille if he knew. He would go on a rant for ages and call her every awful name in the book. If only he could get the way she would moan his name out of his head it might be satisfying. Or take away images of them cuddled on her couch late at night. Perhaps he only liked her because she let him indulge his bad habits nobody else knew about. “I think I’m going to visit my client in the hospital. She has this guard dog there, name is Jace. I can’t get a word in without him there, and it’s hard because I feel like she’s leaving out way too much for his sake. I need to get the full story if I’m going to defend her against this Morganstern guy. WIll keeps calling this a guaranteed win, but this Sebastian guy has a lot of money. Growing up a Bane I know that money can talk louder than just about anything.”

“You’re really just going to cry on my shoulder and not tell me why?” Raphael asked incredulously as he watched Magnus linger by the door. “Are you ever here anymore? This place has a layer of dust that suggests otherwise.”

“I cry for no fucking reason these days,” Magnus said, and it was the honest truth. If he wasn’t kept calm with anxiety drugs he was a mess. He knew it was a fairly normal part of grieving, but not usually in grown men. It was frustrating, as well as everything else about himself lately. “Look, I’m sorry I fell apart on top of you. I hate being here, okay? You caught me. I need to go so I can get there before visiting hours are over and I’m locked out in the middle of nowhere.”

“Ragnor invited you to dinner,’ Raphael pointed out and Magnus nearly visibly flinched. He had invited Magnus to have dinner like old times. He was Freddy’s favorite uncle, something he gleefully held over Ragnor. Raphael getting married was hard for their trio dynamic, but it proved to be something they adapted to without too much struggle. They instated weekly dinners nearly right after the honeymoon was over. “It’s not like I would care if you were caught up working, but ditching us for Camille? Really?”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus bowed his head and scratched the back of his neck. “I was going to come, but I’m not terribly pleasant to be around.”

“We don’t care if you’re quiet or a tad grumpy,” Raphael told him, coming closer to rest a hand on his arm. “We just want you around again. It was this job at first, and now you’re just avoiding the people that love you the most. Let us help you through this.”

“Next week,” Magnus hoped he could keep this shallow promise and wouldn’t end up running off again. “I’ll call you guys tomorrow, okay? Will should let me off early since it’s Friday, and his anniversary to boot so he won’t be keeping us late. We can grab a drink?”

“Do that,’ Raphael didn’t beg, but it was a close call. “Ragnor has the weekend off last he told me.”

With one last smile Magnus was alone again, and the pain that hit him made him think maybe he really did need the hospital.

~~~

He didn’t lie to Raphael.

This is what Magnus kept telling himself as he sat on a bench outside the hospital, trying to hold in sobs and telling himself that he really should be here for work. It was just so quiet here, especially late at night. There was no busy traffic and no drunks wandering around the parking lot which gave a person time to hear their thoughts. He could use a minute to think, even if his thoughts loved to torture him more than anything.

Magnus was tired of being tossed aside by what felt like everyone in his life. He knew realistically he was only throwing a pity party for himself in some parking lot, but he felt like he deserved to be some anonymous mourner in a place where nobody knew him. 

It had started with his father so many years ago, always tossing him aside like he didn’t matter in the slightest. The days he was too busy on the phone to pay him the slightest bit of attention. The family gatherings where he would use Magnus to fetch drinks for the adults if he spoke to him at all. He had tried to tell himself that that never mattered when he had the best friends in the world.

Ragnor and Raphael were easily his world in high school. He had nobody else to really rely on when his parents had enough of their own problems to pay any attention to him. He spent all his time not in school with his friends and their families. Raphael had a huge family he was happy to share with Magnus and Ragnor’s parents love him as much as their own son. He told himself all of that was enough all those years ago. 

Then Raphael met Simon, and while Magnus would never admit it to another living soul how much he hated the thought of anyone else being more important to his best friend than him the burning in his stomach made him ashamed of himself. Simon was adorable, a nerd, and made Raphael smile in a way Magnus had never seen before. The two of them had met in college, and they had hit it off immediately. Simon was playing in the bar and Raphael didn’t take his eyes off of him the entire night. It wasn’t like Raphael wasn’t there for him, his mother’s funeral was proof he always would be when it mattered. It was just that nothing was the same since that night in the bar. There was someone else in his best friend’s life, someone that mattered more to him than Magnus could. He knew he had attachment and abandonment issues thanks to his wonderful father and that his feelings were unfair and unfounded, but he couldn’t help what hurt and what didn’t. 

At least Ragnor was single for now.

Then he had to fall for a woman who did to him what had been done to him his whole life. Using him when he had something to offer, when it was convenient. Expendable she had called him, and wasn’t that the fucking truth according to most people. His father certainly felt the exact same way. Not all people were that way, obviously. His mother… well she had worshipped the ground he walked on his entire life and she was gone. The universe had decided he no longer deserved her, and all he was left with was a hole he had no idea how to begin to fill. Her love was so quiet and so simple. He never had to prove anything to her or had to remember to call. Dialing her number was something his fingers did without thinking about it for one second. She was lonely at home and he was lonely living alone for the time being. It was good for him to be away from his father, but it was hard to leave her behind. 

Magnus tugged at his hair as a fresh wave of sobs hit him that he couldn’t hope to control. He really should have stayed with Raphael so he had some reason to push this away for a while. All of his coping methods were with Cammie, and he wasn’t about to beg her for any of it. 

“Bane?” The rich voice made him sit up straight and immediately he stopped breathing for a few moments as he watched Alec walk towards him. He was wearing boots that were trendy out here and a soft looking, brown, leather jacket over a blue polo shirt. He looked as handsome as Magnus remembered and it made him sniff away any remaining tears and try to appear composed. 

“You just getting off Dr. LIghtwood?” Magnus asked respectfully, standing as smoothly as he could manage. Lack of proper food made his head spin as he stood too quickly and he closed his eyes briefly to stop it. When he opened them Lightwood was much closer and his hazel eyes were locked on him with concern and a touch of curiousity. 

“I had some late paperwork to finish up,” Lightwood told him as he shifted his bag higher up on his shoulder. “Don’t you live in Manhattan?”

“Brooklyn if you want to get particular,” Magnus quipped, an unexplainable thrill going through him that at least the pleasant to look at doctor was around. Even if he had gone home and had sex with Camille, it wasn’t like those hazel eyes were easy to forget. “Do you live around here? I don’t think you guys even have a mall.”

“We don’t,” Lightwood said slowly, but his eyes held amusement. “I do live close by here. I grew up around here as well. I guess once a small town boy, always a small town boy or something like that. I think I’ve been to a mall maybe three times in my life?”

“I find that nearly criminal doctor,” Magnus acted shocked and sniffed one last time. Lightwood’s teasing face fell back to concerned, no doubt at his red eyes and puffy skin. He would never in a million years call himself an attractive crier. 

“Alec,” Lightwood corrected, taking a step closer and Magnus couldn’t say whether his shiver was from the rapidly dropping temperature or from the wave of cologne that hit him from Alec. “When we aren’t in the hospital, please call me Alec. I hear doctor enough sixty hours a week.”

“Your schedule sounds as brutal as mine as a first year partner,” Magnus remarked, ruffling his hair nervously. He eyed Alec for a moment before throwing all caution and logic to the wind. “You guys have a bar in this small town? I could use dinner and I’m guessing if you’re anything like me you could as well?”

“Dinner sounds….like an interesting idea,” Alec said with a small smile and Magnus swore he had never been this attracted to anyone in his life before. “Is this going to affect your….case and all of that?”

Magnus smiled blithely, not giving a second thought to the fact that Alec was Clary’s doctor or that he was probably needed as an important witness. He only thought about how he didn’t want to be alone tonight, and he also didn’t want to be with people reading him like a book. He wanted to be with someone that could make him feel something true just by brushing their hands together. “That’s for me to worry about. You wanna drive or should I?”

The grin that lit up Alec’s face made a swooping feeling appear in Magnus’s stomach and he watched as Alec smoothly tossed his keys in the air to catch them again. He let Alec open his car door, slipping inside to smell pine in the sleek black Audi. He was very interested to see where this would go, and he hoped it was somewhere far away from where he’d been.


	5. An Unexpected Adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I didn't update as fast as I planned, but it was better than my normal track record. We are getting some Malec action and i'm in love with it. The plot is going to start moving probably chapter after next. Next chapter we get fluff and happiness before everything is a mess. Noting here and now that I am not a doctor or a lawyer so if things are horribly out of place I'm sorry....but also not that sorry. Hope you guys really enjoy this chapter and get a real feel of Malec and of the mood Alec brings to the story. Please leave comments for love or for improvement either way. Happy reading :)

The air even felt different in this place where there’s wasn’t a single high rise to be seen and probably the most trees Magnus had ever seen in his lifetime.  They were at an honest to god diner and Alec knew their waitress even though she wasn’t wearing a name tag. Her name was Maia and she had dark skin with curly hair Magnus thought was absolutely gorgeous.  She was witty and had snappy comebacks and yet it felt so relaxed here. His phone had died hours ago during the drive out here and Ragnor was borrowing his car charger currently. 

 

“You look way too nervous,” Alec commented with a small laugh.  “It’s not a small town horror movie, I promise. Want to split a milkshake?”

 

Immediately butterflies erupted in Magnus’s stomach and the thought of sharing  a shake like some old school teen movie made a grin form on his face. Alec was grinning at him impishly, dimples forming adorably.  He really did look less intimidating out of the white jacket and outside the walls of the hospital. “Only if we can get cookies and cream,” Magnus insisted, trying not to laugh.  

 

“I normally get strawberry,” Alec pouted and, damn, that lip was making thoughts run through his head.  “I guess I’ll cater to the city boy.”

 

They ended up ordering three appetizers, a couple of waters, and of course the largest milkshake they could.  Magnus actually blushed when Maia asked if they wanted one straw or two for their towering shake, and it had been so long since he felt butterflies this active.  Conversation came easily and Alec giggled a bit when Magnus got whipped cream on his nose when he insisted on having the first taste of the shake. Surprisingly Magnus didn’t think of Camille once, despite having his heart broken hours before.  Alec made him feel like he wasn’t the spoiled city brat he had grown up as. Once again he wondered what it would be like had he taken that house six years ago. 

 

They stayed until closing and even a bit after until Maia kicked them out bluntly, stating that she wanted to go get some alcohol and some sleep.  Alec tipped her generously and picked up the tab despite Magnus protesting and attempting to grab the check. Magnus felt a hand on the small of his back as they walked under the tinkling diner bell and out into the midnight air.  He had over an hour’s drive ahead of him, but he still didn’t want to leave this place where time seemed to hold absolutely no meaning. 

 

“I’m so glad I have a day off,” Alec commented with a sigh as he looked up at the sky.  Magnus followed his gaze and nearly gasped at the sight of real stars above them. He couldn’t remember the last time he had sat to look at the stars.  “Though I’m sure I’ll end up at the hospital to drag Jace home to sleep and eat something. He’s hardly left since Clary ended up in there.”

 

“He’s dedicated.  Best friends?” Magnus questioned, thinking how his friends would undoubtedly be there for him like that.

 

“Oh yeah,” Alec nodded, leaning against the boot of his car.  “We’ve all known each other since elementary school. This town...not often new people show up.”

 

“It must be nice,” Magnus commented softly, sighing as he enjoyed the quiet.  “It’s so peaceful here. The city is always busy, even at midnight.”

 

“You have an hour’s drive, yeah?” Alec asked him, taking a step closer and Magnus shivered as his warmth bled into him.  

 

“If you follow speed limits,’ Magnus quipped with a tiny smile.  He shouldn’t let Alec get this close to him. He was a disaster and he tended to destroy any and every relationship.  He wasn’t even completely sure it was over with Camille. Suddenly the pain hit him again at how expendable the people in his life had made him feel beyond a few exceptions.  How every single relationship had ended with him having the raw end of the deal and left alone. HIs mother being gone, and how much he wanted to call her and tell her all about Alec and his small town world that seemed to captivating.  

 

When Alec asked if he wanted to come home with him he was fighting back tears again and when he agreed it was out of a desperation not to go home alone.  

 

He got into Alec’s car again and it was only barely ten minutes before they were at Alec’s place cabin theme house secluded and surrounded by trees, a large pond behind it.  The conversation started up again and they learned about one another’s families and scarce hobbies. They traded some high school stories, with Alec’s being much more innocent than Magnus’s growing up in Brooklyn.  

 

Alec’s house showed how well off he was as a doctor, even in this small town.  His house was charming with rich reds and calming browns decorating the space. He clearly valued his kitchen much more than Magnus ever would.  He had it remodeled and it was easily the most modern space here. All the appliances were top of the line and the countertops were granite and beautiful.  Alec took his coat gently and hung it on the back of a bar height chair. 

 

“That hospital must pay you well,” Magnus commented, starting to see the appeal of a nice house rather than an old apartment.  

 

“Oh, I could never afford this,” Alec said with a slight laugh.  “This was my grandfather’s house and my father let me have it after he passed.”

 

“Are you close with your dad?” Magnus felt the pang of jealousy at just the thought.  It was always this way when he met someone who had a functional relationship with their father.  Magnus was nothing more than a pawn to his father, and now with his mom gone there was nothing left between them.  

 

“It’s better than it used to be,” Alec shrugged as he poured them both a drink, on the rocks for himself and straight for Magnus.  He had to wonder how on earth he could know him so well without asking most of the time. “He doesn’t like that I’m gay I’ll tell you that much, but I guess our relationship is functional.  It helps that I’ve moved out and I can keep my personal life away from him more or less. He’s more awkward than hostile now anyways. You close with your parents?”

 

Magnus gripped the glass tightly and told himself he could answer this question without being dramatic.  This was his oasis away from all the pain and fast pace he endured in the city. It was only a simple question that required a simple answer.  “My father wants nothing to do with me. He’s cold and dismissive most of the time.” He took a breath and forced himself not to say anything further.  “My mother…..yeah I was close with my mom.” He felt a shudder run through him at the past tense and wondered if that would ever stop hurting. 

 

“Was?” Alec asked gently, coming closer slowly until he could rest a hand on Magnus’s back.  

 

“She passed away a few weeks ago,” Magnus said, and immediately felt the pain rush through him.  Six weeks already she had been gone and it still felt like yesterday. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Alec said softly, that hand now rubbing light circles.  “I couldn’t imagine losing my mom. She keeps me sane and basically holds the family together.”

 

“Mine did too,” Magnus wiped a tear away and prayed no more would come right now.  He finished off his drink in one go and the burn helped the grief go back to manageable levels.  

 

“Well, I inadvertently killed the mood,” Alec said and Magnus managed a small laugh.  “I’m going to start a fire, it’s chilly tonight.”

 

“Yeah, it is,” Magnus poured himself a second drink before sitting down on one of the burgundy couches in front of the fireplace with a huge television in the corner.  “Should we watch a movie?”

 

“The collection is hidden in the ottoman,” Alec waved a hand at the leather ottoman with storage included while he worked on starting their fire with his sleeves rolled up, revealing he was just as muscled as Magnus had first thought.  He felt his stomach flip pleasantly and he forced himself to shuffle through movies and smirked when he settled on a good horror. There was nothing to spice up a date night like a horror movie. They were on a date, weren’t they? Alec had invited him to dinner and paid for it before inviting him back to his place for the night.  You didn’t get more of a classic date than that. 

 

“I’ve had this house for almost two years and that fireplace is still a pain to start,” Alec complained as he joined Magnus on the couch, raising an eyebrow at his movie choice.  “I guess it is almost October, getting your spook on early?”

 

“Normally I don’t do horror,” Magnus said, praying he wasn’t reading this whole thing wrong.  “But when I have a guy with muscles like yours to cuddle up to I make exceptions.”

 

“Ah, the old horror movie cuddling excuse,” Alec was grinning again as he went to put the movie in and turned all the lights off.  Magnus felt relief flow through him that he hadn’t read Alec wrong at all and shifted forwards so Alec could settle behind him comfortably.  Magnus grabbed the throw from the back of the couch and draped it over them. The early fall chill was quickly chased away when he was between Alec’s legs with the fire crackling beside them.  It wasn’t long before Magnus was clutching onto Alec’s arm as a jumpscare got him easily. 

 

Magnus had forgotten one important thing, one very important reason he was so so fucked up.

 

As Alec’s arms tightened around his waist Magnus found his breath hitching, and it had nothing to do with the creepy music coming from the speakers.  He hadn’t been with a man since Woosley for a very good reason. Woosley Scott had been his boyfriend for two long, horrible years. In the moment it hadn’t seemed horrible at all, but once he had gotten away from him Magnus had realized just how badly Scott had fucked him up.  He was bisexual, but he hadn’t been with a man in ages because of how emotionally and physically abused he had been for so long without even noticing most of the time. The bruises had been from rough sex is all, and the way he flinched whenever a man raised his voice to him was from his father, not from the way Woosley yelled at him for any reason he could find.  It was likely why he put up with so much from Camille most of the time. After Woosley, everything else seemed completely tame. 

 

Maybe he related to Clary Fray in more ways than he thought, and those reasons had nothing to do with his mother after all.

 

He had been so distracted with how kind Alec seemed and how the rippling muscles gave him butterflies that he forgot why he hadn’t gone home with a man in years.  He closed his eyes and really wanted to stay calm and stay with Alec. He liked this man, really liked him. He just couldn’t help remembering how nice Woosley had been for their first nine months together too, before the true comfort set in and the demons came out to play.  

 

“Magnus?” Alec’s soft voice drew him from his thoughts as he rubbed a hand over his arm.  “We can turn it off if you want. You seem really tense, more so than you should be before the demon even comes out to play.”

 

Oh, if Alec only knew that he was already here.  

 

“No, I’m okay,” Magnus said and he hated the way his voice shook.  

 

“Do you want me to back off?” Alec asked quietly, loosening his arms that had found a spot around his waist.  Magnus was contemplating how he was going to make it through this night without making Alec feel like he didn’t want him, which wasn’t the case at all. 

“It’s not like that,” Magnus murmured quietly.  The tension was becoming thicker and he really didn’t want Alec to be a passing in the night kind of guy.  They really did have amazing chemistry between them, as long as that didn’t include touching apparently. 

 

“That’s good to hear,’ Alec said quietly as he scooted closer.  The way his eyes were flicking down to Magnus’s lips made it clear he wanted to kiss him badly.  Magnus had no idea how he would react if Alec kissed him right now when his nerves were already so high.  Alec placed a gentle hand on his neck, and no matter how soft his gaze was Magnus couldn’t help the flinch that escaped from his facade.  Alec stared at him for a long moment before slowly lowering his hand and placing a hand on top of his instead. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Alec said, voice soft and soothing in the quiet air.  Magnus had not even realized Alec has paused the movie until now, but the fire crackling was much more comforting to his frazzled nerves.  Magnus knew he wasn’t apologizing for himself, but rather for the actions of others in the past. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus apologized on instinct, not sure if an apology even made sense in this moment.  “I really have wanted to kiss you for weeks and I just didn’t really think about why I haven’t been with a man in six years.  I’m fucking this up so badly and I’m totally not meaning to.”

 

“Shh, Magnus you don’t need to apologize,” Alec assured him, and Magnus hated how careful he was now.  He hadn’t told anyone about Woosley, not even his loving mother. Ragnor and Raphael were the two that got him out of that mess, but nobody else had to know.  “You aren’t fucking anything up I promise. I’ve still enjoyed your company tonight, and if you don’t want to stay the night you don’t have to. You hardly know me,” Alec paused and the pity in his eyes made Magnus feel sick.  “It makes sense you would be nervous in a house in the middle of nowhere. I’m not offended at all.”

 

“Yeah I guess I should go,” Magnus said softly with a tinge of sadness in his voice.  He had acted like a scared little boy, and a man like Alec wouldn’t have the patience for that kind of thing.  

 

“It’s pouring rain,” Alec frowned as he looked out the window.  “Not to mention it’s already past one. I have a guest bedroom with an ensuite bathroom you can use.  We can have french toast in the morning?” 

 

“My phone is dead anyways,’ Magnus found himself agreeing and his stomach flipped when he saw the smile on Alec’s face again.  

 

“Let me show you the room and let you get some sleep.  It is much quieter here than in New York so you can get some real, solid rest out here.”  Alec took his hand again and it reassured Magnus that maybe he hadn’t revealed too much tonight.  Alec’s hand was warm around his, strong and reassuring, as they walked down the hall to the room on the very end.  It was tastefully decorated in dark blues and grey undertones with a queen size bed in the middle of the room with a canopy draping gracefully over it, flowing to the floor.  It was a room that was made to be elegant and extremely comfortable at the same time. 

 

“This is beautiful,” Magnus complimented softly as he turned to face Alec.  Alec squeezed his shoulder briefly and brought his hand back to his side. 

 

“I’m glad you like it.  I’m just down the hall if you need anything.”  Alec smiled as he disappeared behind the door he closed behind him.  

 

Magnus stripped out of his clothes and slipped under the cool sheets, feeling his nerves settle at last and let himself take a deep breath and relax.  He had never anticipated ending up in Alec’s house, and very nearly in his bed. Camille had cheated on him only hours ago, and here he was on to the next one.  It helped that his crush on Alec had been happening for weeks already, and that he wasn’t all that shocked Cammie cheated, it was what people did with him. They used him for a little while and then hung him out to dry.  

 

Magnus flipped on his side and bit his lip harshly to keep himself from beginning to cry.  Woosley had also ended up cheating on him in the end, which is what prompted him to tell his friends the truth and leave him after a few more months.  He tugged the blankets tighter around himself and made himself clear his mind and not think of anything at all so that blissful sleep might claim him. 

 

Or at least for a little while it would seem.

 

He found himself jolting out of a nightmare after only a few hours of sleep.  The sun was starting to rise, the first pale rays peeking through the curtains to fall across his room.  The light would have helped if his demons weren’t so horribly real and if the events in his nightmares were just scenarios his brain dreamed up instead of memories playing back again.  He dreamed of Woosley and his horrible nights spent in that bastard’s house and then Camille had joined them at some point and it turned into her harsh silences and manipulative ways while she made out with Woosley in front of him.  HIs mother had made an appearance trapped behind the windows, her mouth open in a silent scream that absolutely nobody could hear while pale hands wrapped around her neck and seeing the life drain out of her slowly. 

 

What the fuck was up with his mind?

 

He gasped in lungfuls of cool air, the chill of early morning washing over him and making goosebumps rise on his bare arms and chest as he tried to stop shaking.  Hot tears washed over his cheeks and dripped to the blanket pooled in his lap. He tried to wipe them away with shaky hands and failed as another wave came. He didn’t want to think of Woosley anymore.  He had banished him from his mind so that he was nothing more than a vague memory. He couldn’t handle that memory as well as the fresh ones of Camille and his mother’s death, the true cause still not brought to light.  

 

“Magnus?” The raspy voice was deep and quiet as the door swung open enough for a head to peek through.  He must have been screaming and it wasn’t like his panting was exactly quiet as he tried to control his breathing and stop a panic attack.  They locked eyes and Alec’s face softened as he took in his shaking from and no doubt the trickling tears on his face. “Have a nightmare?”

 

He wished it was something he could brush off as a bad dream.

 

“Something like that,” HIs voice was abused and hoarse and he swallowed a few times to hopefully stop the tears as well as to get his voice back to its silky quality.  “Sorry if I woke you. I don’t…. This isn’t normal for me.”

 

“Don’t apologize,” Alec slipped into the room, shirtless with pajama pants hanging off his hips.  He was indeed just as muscled everywhere else as his arms were. He had a defined six pack with his pectoral muscles defined.  Magnus wished he could appreciate it just a bit more, but sobs were still escaping him despite trying to stop them as best he could.  Alec came to sit next to him on the bed, not yet touching him which Magnus was thankful for. “Magnus, seriously, don’t apologize. I’ve dealt with so many nightmares over the years from myself and my siblings too.  Life doesn’t tend to be kind the majority of the time. We may live in a small town, but our horrors are just as real. Sometimes worse when you can’t exactly escape the people that hurt you.”

 

“You can’t escape them even in a city,” Magnus said weakly as he twisted his hands in the quilt.  “They haunt you forever. Even when you think you’ve banished them from your mind they come back and….and…. It’s just as bad.”

 

“Let me hold you?” Alec offered softly when it didn’t seem like his shaking was ever going to stop.  Magnus wanted to be embarrassed, or insist that he would be fine without acting like he was five and hiding from the monster under his bed.  Alec held one arm up in offer, and that was all the convincing he needed to shuffle closer and tuck himself under that arm safely. The tears seemed to increase the moment he was safe instead of fading away the way he wanted them to.  He found himself hugging Alec tightly and burying his face in his neck as he cried out his fear, horror, and frustration. Alec’s arm was tight and firm around his shoulder, holding him against him without a trace of doubt or disgust at his behavior.  

 

“It’s alright now,” Alec whispered to him as his hand rubbed in long soothing strokes across his back.  “I’ve got you. It’s okay Magnus.”

 

After a few intense minutes his tears slowed and shudders just racked his body now and then.  Alec had reclined against the bed frame so that they were lying together with Alec on top of the covers and Magnus still cuddled under them.  His large hand was warm against his back and it felt so nice to have someone hold him after a nightmare and have only the quiet around them of early morning and all Magnus could see outside were trees.  Neither of them had anywhere to rush off to and there was an illusion of peace he had rarely ever felt since starting law school. 

 

They both must have dozed off at some point because when Magnus woke again he was much more firmly in Alec’s arms, the other man facing him and having both arms snugly around his waist.  He was flush against Alec’s body and his head was tucked under Alec’s chin. He had never felt so warm and secure in any bed but his own before. The sun was higher now with larger and brighter rays lighting the room.  Magnus lifted a hand and lightly ran a finger over Alec’s seemingly endless layers of muscles. He was so kind, and how did he start to think he deserved something like this? Besides, it couldn’t possibly last. 

 

They lay like that for another twenty minutes before Alec’s eyes flickered open and focused on him after a few blurry moments.  Magnus couldn’t help but smile when those hazel eyes land on his, soft and welcoming in face of this unusual situation. He stroked Magnus’s cheek softly for a moment before shifting to presumably make them both a little more comfortable.  

 

“Good morning,” Alec’s voice was thick with sleep and the lazy smile almost undid him altogether.  “Can you stay for some breakfast?”

 

“I have nobody to really get back to,” Magnus answered softly, snuggling into the warm blankets for one last moment.  Alec snickered quietly at him before stretching which gave Magnus an even nicer view of his layers of muscles. Magnus watched Alec get out of bed and his pants were hanging even lower than the first time.  He closed his eyes for a long moment and tried to stop picturing his hands squeezing Alec’s ass in very inappropriate positions. 

 

“What can you make?” Magnus asked him, pulling on a shirt as he walked down the hallway back to the designer kitchen.  “I’m a little hopeless in the kitchen if I’m being honest.”

 

“I promised you french toast,” Alec winked at him as he dug out a bowl from a low cabinet and turned to the fridge to pull out some items.  Magnus picked up a throw blanket to wrap around himself as he started to wander through the now well lit living room to look at the pictures and things Alec kept around.  

 

“Who’s the gorgeous girl?” Magnus asked, noticing a dark-haired beauty featured in many of the pictures with Alec and Jace.  Her eyes were bright and intelligent while her smile held mischief. He spotted Clary with them in an older picture, the happiness in her green eyes leaving him breathless.  It reminded him of his mother’s wedding picture and how foreign that smile looked on her now. 

 

“That’s my sister,’ Alec replied, watching him with a small smile.  “She lives in Manhattan actually. She chose to go to NYU and never moved back out here.  She went into a Journalism major and now works for a fashion magazine in the city. As much as I hate having her far away I have to admit she was made for the busy city life.  She has never thrived more than when she moved there.” It was obvious Alec was incredibly fond of her by his tone and the proud glint in his eyes. 

 

“Fashion can be a hard world to manage,” Magnus thought of Camille and how that world changed her for the worse.  The clatter of a pan brought him quickly out of those thoughts and he wandered back to the kitchen to perch on a barstool and watch Alec cook.  He turned his thoughts to how Alec’s chest felt against his cheek and how crazy it was that it felt natural to be in this gorgeous house. Alec hadn’t kicked him out this morning, even after not getting what he truly wanted last night.  He had respected Magnus freaking out on his couch and even came to comfort a stranger having a nightmare in his guest room. He was truly a remarkable person it would seem and Magnus was lucky he even looked twice at someone like him. He was nothing more than a shark of a lawyer with more issues than anyone could count.  

 

“I’m sorry for last night,” Magnus said quietly when there was a lull in their conversation.  His heart started to quicken its pace to thud against his ribcage. He knew he wasn’t going to be reprimanded for anything.  He was a grown ass man now and it wasn’t like he could really get lectured or in trouble for something as simple and uncontrollable like a nightmare.  

 

“You have nothing to apologize for, Doll,”  Alec said softly as he paused whisking the eggs and spices together to look at him.  Magnus’s stomach flipped at the pet name that he’d never heard before used in real life.  His breath caught for a small moment and irrationally he felt like crying all over again at the tenderness in Alec’s voice that reminded him of his mother.  Nobody else was ever going to speak to him like that again. “I”m sorry somebody ever had the thought to hurt you.”

 

Magnus bit his lip, unwilling to even say Woosley’s name in this paradise of a kitchen.  He was choked up now for so many reasons and Alec went back to the task at hand when Magnus didn’t say anything further.  His apology was hardly adequate and barely covered any of what he wanted to say. The first piece of soaked bread hit the frying pan when Magnus found his voice again.  

 

“I guess our first date was memorable,” Magnus said, trying to make light of the situation a tad.  Alec frowned a bit as he wiped his hands on a dish towel and leaned against the small piece of counter space next to the stove.  

 

“I’m not sure if I would call it a date,” Alec said slowly.  Magnus ducked his head and felt humiliation wash over him in a thick, suffocating wave.  Of course he shouldn’t have assumed it was a date. Alec had more class than to date him.  He probably was just an incredibly kind man that had a boyfriend or something. So what if they almost kissed?  It was probably a moment of weakness. Magnus had always been called pretty his entire life. He was pathetic and so desperate that he thought a diner dinner and movie meant it was a date.  

 

A hand gently cupped his chin and his face was tilted up to meet Alec’s hazel eyes again with the same twinkle of mischief Magnus spotted in the pictures of his sister.  His breathing picked up and a surge of butterflies appeared in his stomach. 

 

“You deserve so much more than a cheap diner for a date.  I’ll take you somewhere that you deserve,” Alec said, his breath warmly washing over Magnus and he had never felt like this with anyone else.  “I can sweep someone off their feet plenty effectively. Let me take you on a date?”

 

“Only if you call it our second date,” Magnus said with his voice a tad choked.  “I want to remember this for the rest of my life.” 

 

A blush broke over his face at Alec’s smile and a small kiss on the cheek was all Magnus got in answer before Alec went to go and flip their breakfast so it wouldn’t burn.  

 

They ate while talking about much more easy and fun topics in front of a large bay window.  Magnus had learned Alec was actually a huge country boy up here in the state of New York. As soon as Alec admitted to liking country the signs popped out everywhere Magnus looked.  The man even had real cowboy boots lined up by his back door. He spotted popular country albums by the stereo in the corner and other memorabilia scattered around. The pet name made much more sense and even though Magnus had never really explored the world of country, he found himself a tad bit more smitten in spite of himself.  

 

Alec walked him to his car once they got back to the largely empty hospital parking lot.  The laugh died on Magnus’s lips as he was forced to face the reality of going back home. He had to face his life again in stark reality which included heartbreak everywhere he looked and the crushing anxiety normally haunting him.  Alec ran a large hand down his back, seeming to sense his anxiety in an instant which probably came with being a doctor. 

 

“You going to be okay?” Alec asked him, concern in his voice that was touching more than overbearing.   Magnus felt it weird for Alec to care this much about him, but maybe he was just used to so much less.

 

“Of course,” Magnus said instantly, the barriers sliding back up he had to keep at home.  “I appreciate everything you’ve done. Letting me stay the night, even if I stole most of your sleep.”

 

“It’s not a problem I promise,” Alec smirked a little at him as he took a step closer. “If my ideas had come to fruition then we wouldn’t have gotten much sleep either way.”

 

Magnus found himself blushing once more as pictures filled his mind of ideas of his own that were probably somewhat similar to what Alec had in mind.  Alec took one more step and Magnus instinctively laid a hand on his chest, the soft feel of muscle making his head spin. He had only half a moment of warning before Alec was kissing him against the side of his car.  

 

Alec smelled of fresh linen and a delicious aftershave as those strong arms came around his hips.  The hand he had rested on Alec’s chest slid up to cup the back of his neck, stroking the soft hairs at the base of his neck.  Alec’s passion was tender and his hands were gentle on his hips, holding rather than demanding. Their lips moved smoothly with Alec never demanding more than a firm press of lips.  Magnus sighed into the kiss after a moment, letting himself relax just as Alec pulled away gently. A kiss on the cheek was the last contact Magnus received before Alec was stepping a respectful distance away and shoving his hands in his pockets.  

 

“Let me know when you’re home safe, please,” Alec requested like Magnus hadn’t just had the best kiss of his life.  He was still a bit dizzy from it and his heart was never going to slow down it felt like. He smiled and gave a pathetic wave as he watched Alec get back into his car.  

 

Well, that was certainly an unexpected adventure.  


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! This chapter deals with Magnus having doubts about Alec and how people have always seemed to have a hidden agenda or a darker side through his life. Some alcohol is involved if that makes anyone uncomfortable, but nothing major. Thank you for reading and commenting!! Happy Reading :)

Work was probably the place people noticed the difference Alec made in Magnus’s life.  Alec texted surprisingly much for a prominent doctor working in the ICU. True, sometimes he would disappear for an hour or two, but then he would be back immediately with a witty comment or a gripe about some patient or another.  Magnus found himself smiling even when Will snapped at him unceasingly while James was out of town for a wedding this week. Not that Will ever cared whether he was happy or sad or if it was hailing or balmy outside when it came to his work.  The passion Magnus had noticed about him the first time they had ever met was to be admired as much as it was to be feared. Will was ruthless on a full caseload and didn’t give a damn if Magnus was running on only a few hours of sleep for more than one reason.  

 

“Who has you glued to your phone this week with a smile like that?” Catarina asked, perching on the edge of his desk as she slid a cup of coffee his direction.  “I splurged for Starbucks for us today. Figured it might put William in a bearable mood.” 

 

“I needed exactly this,” Magnus sighed as he put his phone aside and put his full focus into the first sip of the pumpkin spice latte.  He sighed at the delicious taste, but he smiled brighter at the green indicator light. 

 

“Are you going to spill the tea about that, or leave me wondering?” Cat asked with a slight pout.  “I know I’m a lowly paralegal, but I still like to know things.” 

 

Magnus answered texts from Alec and Ragnor one last time before stopping his rude behavior.  He hadn’t told anyone about Alec just yet, though he had been close a few nights ago after the best date of his life.  Alec had certainly taken him out for a good time, driving to Manhattan this time and doing thorough research and probably taking his sister’s recommendation.  Magnus wasn’t one to blush, but Alec seemed to get a kick out of making his cheeks pink up as often as possible. 

 

“I….I’m seeing someone new,” Magnus confessed vaguely, the blush rising easily and making him roll his eyes.  “He’s sweet, and too charming to even be real. I’m dating a fucking country boy and now I get why their music is so….the way it is.”

 

“No way, country huh?”  Cat looked surprised and anyone looking at the way Magnus dressed in designer everything would be.  “Never would have guessed it. Is he cute?”

 

“He looks so good in a suit,” Magnus said a tad dreamily as he remembered opening his loft door to see Alec grinning in a three piece suit to pick him up.  He had given him four pink roses that Magnus still had on his countertop and his stomach flipped each and every time he saw them. “He’s...like nobody who has ever given me the time of day before.”

 

“So, the blondie is gone for good then?” Catarina asked with relief lining her features.  “I didn’t want to say anything, but she was a real bitch Magnus.”

 

“As gone as she ever is,” Magnus agreed, not mentioning how he had begged her only last night for some Xanax to get him through the week.  He had no idea where she got it from, but with spending more time in Alec’s company came intense dreams of nights he thought were forgotten.  He had managed to keep from her he was seeing someone new for now, knowing how damn possessive she was, but it was bound to get out eventually and then he would have to find a new way to get them.  

 

“You deserve to be happy,” Cat told him with a fond smile as she got up to head back up front to her own desk.  “I’m happy you have someone to put that smile on your face. Bring him to the company Christmas party is all I ask.”

 

Magnus would never dare to think he could hold onto Alec for that long.  A part of him certainly hoped he wouldn’t have to face Alec becoming another deleted number and a face he was forced to forget, but time had taught him that that would probably become the case.  He wouldn’t let himself dwell on that when every message from Alec put a smile on his face and made his nights not so dreadful. 

 

The day ended with Will tearing into him about his lack of progress on his own case and the way he misfiled a few things earlier along with a mistake on a draft proposal he had left on his boss’s desk that morning.  Magnus tried to not take any of it personally as Catarina always reminded him, but it was easier said than done with his anxiety being just under the surface at any given moment. 

 

He walked out of the office and undid his tie before even getting to his car and collapsed behind the wheel in relief.  He squeezed his eyes shut as it felt like something was pressing down on his chest and his stomach was in knots that made him feel nauseous.  Raphael sent a text asking him to pick up some rolls for dinner tonight since Simon forgot them during his last minute shopping trip this afternoon.  He answered in the affirmative, glad he had a little extra time before dinner plans. It wasn’t like Ragnor, Raphael, and even Simon wouldn’t understand his anxiety and depression, but he hated reminding them what a mess he was when they were happy and stable.  He had had depression since he was sixteen, if he could take a guess. It had been a long twelve years with so many periods of feeling completely unmotivated and unable to function for days at a time. He wouldn’t have gotten through college if it wasn’t for his best friend sharing a dorm room and then an apartment with them.  

 

He was wasting time looking through the bakery and trying to decide if bringing the a chocolate overload of a dessert would be rude when Ragnor had brought some dessert type thing.  Last he heard Ragnor was bringing a pie, without any chocolate in sight. He sighed despondently and wished Will hadn’t had to go full on boss terror mode right before he left for this dinner.  He had wanted to keep the happy vibes Alec gave him going until he got home tonight, but fate wasn’t on his side. 

 

A different tone rang from his phone and he saw it was Alec wanting to facetime.  He swallowed and stared at the phone for a long moment, but ultimately decided he could hide his anxiety quickly with Alec’s face in front of him.  

 

“Hey, what are you up  to?” Alec asked with a grin, leaning back in his office chair casually.  Magnus smiled a bit to see a selfie of the two of them in a corner of his desk.  That had certainly never happened with any of his past relationships. He had never even been through a meet the parents thing before despite having two long term relationships.  He was always a dirty secret it seemed like. 

 

“Hey yourself,” Magnus tried to match Alec’s easy and casual enthusiasm but he knew he missed by a mile.  “I’m staring at this chocolate cake and mourning the fact I have to leave it here instead of taking it to dinner tonight.”

 

“I thought you said Ragnor was in charge of dessert?” Alec’s grin faded slightly as Magnus met his eyes through the screen.  “Was work okay?”

 

“He is, which is why I can’t bring it,” Magnus agreed as he finally turned away from the cakes and slowly went towards the front with rolls in hand.  “Work was long today, but it was fine.”

 

“I know what a fine day is,” Alec said with a derisive snort and sitting up straight.  “It’s the kind that makes you wonder why the hell we don’t all just play the lottery until we win.  What happened?”

 

“I…” Magnus trailed off and suddenly the ringing words from Will’s mouth filling his brain and making him feel like a complete failure, not to mention the way Will was towering over him and his raised voice was enough to make Magnus come completely undone.  He felt so pathetic telling Alec he was shaken up over his boss getting cross with him. If Catarina hadn’t come in to save him then Will probably hadn’t actually yelled at him like he perceived. 

 

“Doll, you alright?” Alec asked again, concern growing between his brows.  Magnus wanted to ditch dinner and go back to the cabin in the woods with Alec.  He wanted to sit and eat ice cream in that stupid diner until he finally felt better.  Or better yet he wanted to beg Alec to come out here again and just hold him until his mind would stop bothering him so much.  Neither of those were viable options when his friends were expecting him for a dinner he had put off far too long. 

 

“I’m tired,’ Magnus settled on finally, as close to the truth as he could manage.  “Sorry, I’m not too much fun to talk to. Plus, so many people are out tonight getting food.  It’s a zoo here.”

 

“Want me to let you go?” Alec asked, and his hazel eyes looked so disappointed, but Magnus should really focus on what he was doing before he messed anything else up. 

 

“I can call you after?  I just… I’m sorry,” Magnus apologized compulsively and debated whether going home and taking some anxiety medication would be a good idea even if he was late.  

 

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Alec said gently with a soft smile.  “It was good to just see your face for a minute. I”ll be waiting for your call.  Have fun at dinner.”

 

“Talk with you later,” Magnus agreed with a small smile of his own and feeling a keen loss when Alec’s face disappeared from the screen.  He checked out quickly and got back to his car and chided himself for dreading a dinner with his best friends. 

 

Magnus blasted some Beyonce and was just beginning to feel a little more like himself when the music cut off to blink Camille’s name at him.  He had no obligation to answer her call since she’s the one that had cheated on him and ended their relationship. Curiosity and a knowledge that she probably wouldn’t stop until she got what she wanted prompted him to answer.

 

“Cammie, what’s up?” He answered, trying not to be antagonistic and make this call end faster.  He was going to be at Raphael’s any minute and he was already late as it was. 

 

“Why the fuck are there pink roses on your counter?” She snapped the second she heard his voice.  Magnus felt a sense of panic as he realized she still had a key to his apartment and that she had found exactly what he hadn’t wanted her to find.  

 

“My-” Magnus choked as he realized his instinctual excuse was that his mother had gotten them for him.  He fought through the panic and grief as quickly as he could to respond in some intelligible way. 

 

“Who are you seeing already?” Camille demanded and Magnus would think she cared if he didn’t know better.  She was only angry someone else had him. 

 

“None of your damn business,” Magnus snapped as forcefully as he could manage.  “I’m changing my locks by the way. What business do you have in my apartment?”

 

“I came to get the thong I left here,” She replied coldly.  “I have a date who will appreciate it more than you ever did.”

 

Magnus felt incredibly sick and needed this call to end.  “Get the hell out of my place Cammie, and you may as well throw that key away.”

 

“I’m taking my goodies as well,” Camille said savagely, ignoring him altogether.  “Get your new bitch to get some for you.”

 

There it was, the one and only reason he truly cared if Camille was mad.  “Cammie, please, don’t take them. I won’t ask you again and I know it’s not right to ask you for any I”m sorry.”

 

“Fuck that,” She snapped and Magnus heard her going through his things shuffling in the background.  “You never gave me anything when we were together, so I’m taking what I want now before your new toy gets what she wants.”  

 

“Get the hell out,” Magnus screamed into the phone, shaking like a leaf but at the same time frozen from doing anything.  “I will call the cops on you Camille. Get out of my apartment!”

 

A door slammed on the other end of the line and Magnus knew she had taken probably more than he would have ever given her.  “I won’t take your pathetic stuff Magnus. You never did have anything I really wanted. I just wanted some of my things. Don’t get so worked up about nothing.”

 

Again he was dismissed as she hung up without so much as a goodbye.  

Magnus slammed his car into park and sat there trying to calm his racing heart and remember how to breathe properly,.  She had cheated on him, and that was on her so why did he feel like it was all his fault? He felt like he wasn’t enough, and that he would never be enough. Why did he let her into his head when Alec was more than interested and so far he seemed like ten times the person Camille could ever be. 

 

Then again, he had thought the same about Camille when comparing her to Woosley and then about Woosley when comparing him to his father growing up.  

 

Magnus slammed his car door harder than necessary, hating himself and his poor judgement that got him into mess after mess.  His tie and jacket were gone now and honestly all he wanted was to go home and crawl into his silk pajamas. This dinner was a horrible idea tonight, but it hadn’t been when all he had to think about was Alec’s sweet messages and Catarina bringing him coffee.  He should learn not to agree to these sorts of things before noon. 

 

“Freddy will be so happy to see you,” Ragnor said through the screen door  when he saw Magnus approaching up the walkway. “Apparently the world is ending and he’s going to die of starvation any second now.”

 

“Sorry, I had to stay late.  Will was on some kind of rampage.”  Magnus held up the rolls and inhaled the smell of baked chicken that made his own stomach rumble.  

 

“Magnus!” His nephew’s cry reached him quickly and a dark head ran through to him and Magnus swept him up into a hug.  He had been holding this kid since he was born and while he wasn’t altogether sure he was mentally stable enough to have kids he would never get tired of feeling those tiny arms around his neck.  

 

“Mi sobrino favorito,” Magnus murmured into his hair as he held him tightly before setting him down.  “How’s the second grade?”

 

“Good,” Freddy shrugged the question off.  “We just have been going over stuff from last year.  The other kids are stupid and-”

 

“Mijo,” Raphael warned sternly as he came to greet Magnus as well.  “What have we talked about? Just because you understand concepts faster than some of the others doesn’t make them stupid.  You wait until high school and see if you sail through so easily.”

 

“Or fucking math in college,” Ragnor muttered lowly to make Magnus let out a laugh.  

 

“I don’t call them stupid to their face,” Fred muttered as he sulked back to finish setting the table.  

 

“He’s having a hard time with the languages,” Raphael told them as he leaned against the wall.  “He tends to forget English words, especially when he’s nervous.”

 

“He’ll get through it, you did after all,” Magnus assured him, fondly remembering Raphael stumbling through oral presentations back when they shared a few classes freshman year of college.  

 

“Dinner should be done Raph,” Simon’s voice came from around the corner, though it was definitely more hoarse than normal and Magnus frowned in concern.

 

“Your other half hanging in there?” Magnus asked as he saw the slow way Simon walked over to the oven.  

 

“He has the damn flu thing Freddy had not so long ago,” Raphael said with a sigh.  “Or maybe a new strain of it. Hasn’t even hit October yet and the flu is crazy this year.”

 

Magnus watched his best friend fuss over his husband, making him sit down instead of helping the last minute preparations.  Simon sank down in a chair without arguing which was an obvious indication something was really wrong with him. He looked miserable until Raphael said something softly to him to make a laugh bubble up and a soft smile broke out of Simon’s pale face.  

 

“They’re disgusting,” Ragnor said fondly as he too watched the couple by the stove.  Magnus sighed and leaned against the doorjamb while running a hand through his hair. His thoughts floated to Alec, how sweet he was.  He was scared to trust in something so good. He knew he deserved it, but it had never happened so far in life. Then his thoughts strayed to Camille, the woman who hurt him so many times, and his heart suddenly felt the hurt he had expected to feel a week ago in the hospital parking lot.  

 

“Camille cheated on me,” Magnus said aloud, quiet enough so only Ragnor could hear him.  He hadn’t told anyone what had happened between the two of them, and it wasn’t like they liked her enough to ask.  “She fucked some other guy because I worked four doubles last week and she was lonely.”

 

“That fucking bitch,” Ragnor said angrily, fist clenching at his side briefly.  “God, I’m sorry Magnus. She is nothing but a selfish bitch.”

 

“I wish that was true,” Magnus said as a tear rolled down the side of his nose.  “Cammie used to make me laugh like that in the beginning. We used to cook together, or make stupid desserts way beyond our skill level.  I don’t know when that changed. I don’t know when all she saw me as was a bag of money to further her ambition. I wonder if anyone ever makes it to that happy ending.”

 

“Raphael did,” Ragnor pointed out quietly as he rested a hand on Magnus’s shoulder.  “This is the ending he gets, as far as love goes. It’s possible to have it, but we just have to find it.”

 

Magnus turned away, sniffing hard a few times and pushing back the stupid emotions that were useless at this point.  Things were over with Camille and he had moved on with Alec. That boy was already ten times better than Camille in the first week Magnus knew him.  He was extremely lucky that he could try again so soon to find the love he wanted. 

 

Raphael joined them after shooing Simon to the bedroom with some hot soup and their son had decided to stay with Simon instead of joining the adults for dinner.  He sat at the table with a tired sigh, but Magnus could see he was happy underneath his tired eyes. Raphael had been careful with his heart and it had paid off for him.  

 

“So, how’s life going you two?” Raphael asked as they dug into their dinner.  Magnus was grateful for a real home cooked meal for once and almost missed Ragnor’s blithe answer about nothing at all changing for him.  Silence fell for a moment and Magnus figured they deserved to know he had found someone amazing. 

 

“Well, I met a guy.”  Magnus couldn’t look at either of them as a wave of anxiety hit him.  He remembered having this conversation over pizza during a hockey game back in their college dorms years ago.  He had been bursting with excitement over meeting senior Woosley Scott in the courtyard and that they had sat talking for an hour.  Scott was funny, charming, and in the same major as Magnus in pre-law. He was loaded in money already and had charmed Magnus easily.  He didn’t wait even a day before gushing to his two best friends about the guy of his dreams. 

 

He hadn’t been wrong exactly as it turned out.  He only expected fairytales instead of nightmares.

 

“You did?” Raphael asked, putting down his fork slowly.  Magnus swallowed his last bite of chicken and suddenly felt sick instead of starving.  These constant mood swings were exhausting him and Magnus had no idea how to control it.  

 

“His name is Alexander.  He’s a doctor outside the city.  He’s….nice.” Magnus wanted to say so much more about Alec.  He wanted to gush about the butterflies coming back and how he seemed to care so genuinely when he didn’t have to.  

 

“Rebound much?” Ragnor commented snarkily before cursing when Raphael kicked him under the table.  Magnus pursed his lips and looked down at his lap, hands twisting together while he felt like an idiot.  Was this yet another mistake his friends would have to pull him out of?

 

“How did you meet him?” Raphael asked patiently, glaring daggers at Ragnor. 

 

“Stop acting like I’m  so unreasonable for pointing out the obvious,” Ragnor pointed out impatiently.  “Camille just wrung him out to dry and cheated on him but Magnus is already onto the next relationship.  A guy no less!”

 

“Camille cheated?” Raphael asked in alarm, turning to look at Magnus.  “You never told me.”

 

“I only told Ragnor five minutes ago.” Magnus said quietly, shrinking into himself slowly.  “Alec is a nice guy. He makes me feel...special.”

 

“Why can’t you just be single for a while?” Ragnor asked, frustration coloring his tone.  “You are always jumping from relationship to relationship, only to end up hurt. You need to be more careful Magnus.  Your heart can only be broken so many times. Do you think you’re even ready for a relationship with a guy after-”

 

“Don’t say his name,” Magnus pleaded, his anxiety mounting as Ragnor voiced all the doubts already running through his head.  He knew Alec was probably at least a little bit of a rebound after Camille. He knew his heart was in pieces after all these years and sooner or later it would shatter and he was scared to learn what was left.  

 

“That isn’t going to ruin Magnus forever,” Raphael told Ragnor, anger darkening his brown eyes.  “You have no right to bring that up against him. Magnus had no way of knowing how that would go.  None of us saw that coming if you’ll recall. It was years ago Ragnor and if Magnus wants to be in a relationship with a man then that’s his decision.”

 

“I’m only saying I think he should take a break from relationships.”  Ragnor pushed away from the table. “Anyone else need a drink?”

 

“Take a deep breath Magnus,” Raphael said quietly as Ragnor strode into the other room to pour them all drinks.  “He had no right to bring him up. Have you been on a date with Alec yet?”

 

“He’s just as amazing as Woosley was,” Magnus said, mind whirling and feeling horrible to cause an argument on the one night they managed to get together.  They moved to sit on the couch in the living room side by side. He wiped at the tears that had started to form. “No, he’s better than Woosley already. He’s caring and empathetic.  He lives in this stupid, charming small town that normally I would hate but he makes it likeable. He listens to me and understands when I need space or I need him to back off. He did nothing more than hold my hand on our date before kissing me goodnight.  Ragnor is wrong, and it’s not fair that all he thinks about are mistakes I made before. I’m not stupid and-”

 

“Shh, Mags, you’re rambling,”  Raphael said gently with a hand on his knee.  “Woosley wasn’t your fault at all. You aren’t stupid Magnus, not at all.  Ragnor is only worried about you. We don’t like to see people tear our best friend apart without a single care about it.  Scott was terrifying for all of us believe it or not.”

 

Ragnor set down three glasses of whiskey on the table before sitting on the other side of Magnus heavily.  Magnus picked up the glass, but fiddled with it between his hands instead of taking a drink. Ragnor downed half of his in one go before he hung his head.

 

“Christ Magnus, I’m sorry,” He said heavily as he sighed and ran a hand over his hair.  “I don’t mean to attack you over one of the worst experiences of your life. Please just tell me you will take it slow with Alexander, alright?  Take your time and make sure he’s alright, promise me that much?”

 

“You got it,” Magnus agreed.  He knew he had a tendency to rush into things with his love interests and this time he really did have to be careful.  Even the strongest of people could break with the right amount of pressure, and he had not survived this long to break now.  

 

“You two need to stop sniping at each other so much,” Raphael shook his head at them after taking a long drink of his own.  “It’s not healthy.”

 

“It’s a sibling thing,” Magnus said with a grin to his best friend.  They had long joked that fate had messed up by not making them biological siblings.  Meeting Ragnor had changed his entire life for the better and he wouldn’t change their friendship for the world.  

 

With these two by his side he would make it through anything, or at least that’s what he hoped. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has the fluffiest fluff, but also the angstiest of angst. Can you expect anything less of me? Magnus meets the siblings in this chapter, and that is adorable chaos. 
> 
> I wish anxiety and depression was cured by one good day, I really do.
> 
> Trigger Warning for this chapter for self harm. This will be the only detailed description of it I promise and if you are triggered please don't read the last four paragraphs or so. Next chapter plot moves along more so don't worry. Stay safe and thank you so much for reading!!!

He had been talking to Alexander for one month today, and blissfully nothing had changed. Alec was just as sweet, flirty, and charismatic as the day they’d split a milkshake at midnight. Magnus was feeling himself start to relax just a little by now and letting himself enjoy having a partner who was an active participant in their relationship instead of leaving him wondering where they stood. His anxiety hadn’t eased at all sadly, and alcohol was turning out to be a much poorer coping skill than medication was but it ended up with him getting some sleep most of the time and if waking up was more and more of a struggle he would work out the kinks in his new system eventually. 

Magnus woke Friday morning on time, which was the only perk as his head pounded incessantly. He started a pot of coffee and took a long shower before even glancing at his phone and trying to deal with reality. At least the weekend was ahead and Alec was planning on driving up tonight to see him and Magnus was considering inviting him to stay the night. Will texted to say he had bought breakfast for the team and to top it off Chairman hadn’t destroyed anything he had to clean up so today was shaping up to be a good start to the weekend. 

He was tying his tie when his phone started to vibrate and Alec’s face lit up his screen. Magnus felt his heart skip a beat before starting to pound. This was as good of an excuse as any to bring up Alec staying over tonight instead of making the poor man drive home in the wee hours of the morning. Alec had proved himself by now, and Magnus could trust him. Plus, they were always on their best behavior the first night anyways.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted smoothly, checking his reflection before pouring himself a mug of coffee, grateful he was early enough to enjoy it instead of inhaling it.

“I see there isn’t a panic to get to work rush today,” Alec teased him in lieu of a greeting. “Or are you just getting supremely good at hiding it?”

“I woke up on time!” Magnus defended himself, opening his balcony doors and stepping out to look over his Brooklyn neighborhood. “In fact, I am about to sit on my balcony for a whole ten minutes before I go to hell, oops I mean work.”

Alec snickered for a moment before going quiet for a moment. “So, I have a question.”

“As do I,” Magnus admitted even if his stomach was full of butterflies. “I’m glad you called.”

“I know I’m supposed to come to Brooklyn tonight,” Alec began, and Magnus felt his heart sink. He knew Alec would have a very good reason not to come, but that didn’t stop the crushing disappointment. “I wondered if you could come here again instead? Please?”

“Oh, that’s-” Magnus began, but it would seem it was Alec’s turn to ramble.

“A lot to ask, I know. We agreed to trade off and everything, but my sister is coming out here this weekend and she wants a break from the city or I would just meet her out there. It’s her birthday and you guys would absolutely love each other. I really, really want you to meet her.” 

“Alexander,” Magnus gently cut him off, trying not to laugh at the adorable way he rambled on. “It’s no big deal. I -- You’re sure you want me to meet your sister?”

“Absolutely!” Alec’s reply was instantaneous and enthusiastic. “You...you can even stay the night again if you wanted. Spare room….well actually not sure if that one will be open, but we can work all of that out.”

Magnus felt a warmth bloom in his chest at the thought that Alec wanted him to be with his family. He wanted him to be part of his life in a way that nobody ever had based on his experience. “I -- “ He had to pause and try not to sound as emotional as he felt. “I would be honored to meet her.”

“This is why you’re the best. What time do you think you’ll finish up tonight?” Alec sounded like he was nearly bouncing on his toes he was so excited. 

“I’ll beg for an early release,” Magnus promised him, the excitement contagious. “By six I should be on the road, at the latest.” 

Alec sighed over the line deeply. “That’s ten hours from now. God, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Magnus confessed softly as he looked out over the city he would always love and call his home. “I’ll see you tonight?”

“We’re probably going out, just so you know,” Alec warned him before wishing him a good day and a promise to see him later. Magnus had a good feeling about today and hoped nothing would ruin it. 

Work sped by and he had no problem being on the road by five, which was a miracle most days. His friends had all texted him today, and for once he had no trouble bantering with them as usual instead of over analyzing every word like his mind tended to do some days. He was at peace in a way he didn’t get to experience very often. He was beginning to enjoy this hour long drive instead of being annoyed by it like he had been the first time he had driven all the way out here to see Clary.

He pulled up in front of the cabin house and he had barely turned off the engine when he saw Alec striding out to his car in the rearview mirror. He grinned and got out of the car to find hands on his hips almost immediately and pulled into Alec’s strong arms. He tucked his nose into Alec’s neck and inhaled deeply, feeling safe and so happy to be reunited with this wonderful man. 

“These jeans,” Alec murmured with a hand tucking itself into one of his back pockets and Magnus shivered at the sensation. “I very much approve of these jeans. You look amazing.”

“You said we were going out. I wanted to look good on your arm and all,” Magnus said playfully with a smile as he pulled back to look at the hazel eyes he dreamed of throughout the week. Alec stroked his cheek softly and kissed him with a reassuring press of his lips. 

“You could do that in just about anything,” Alec winked at him as he collected his bag from the backseat and took his hand with the other. Magnus walked close to him and was suddenly so glad they could be out here in the peace and quiet instead of the city where everybody had to be in your business. They entered the house and Magnus was a tad surprised to see it much fuller than usual. Jace and Clary sat in a loveseat talking, his hand playing with the ends of her bright red curls. Clary had been released from hospital care this week finally and Magnus was happy to see her in her own clothes and out of a hospital bed. An Alec replicate sat at one of the barstools while a beautiful woman was frowning over a cookbook and muttering to herself. 

“My man is here,” Alec announced happily and Magnus blushed slightly. Everyone looked over to them and Clary’s eyes widened slightly in recognition. 

“You’re fucking Clary’s lawyer?” Jace asked the question that was undoubtedly on Clary’s mind as well, thought the redhead slapped his arm for the way he phrased it. 

“He isn’t my lawyer,” Alec countered, pulling Magnus closer in defense. “He isn’t here as anything but my boyfriend this weekend. Be nice to him or so help me.”

“Alec, he’s gorgeous,” The woman blurted, who must be Alec’s sister. Magnus’s blush deeped and he couldn’t help laughing a little at how forward the Lightwood family seemed to be. She hurried around the counter to hug him loosely. “I am so excited to meet you and that you could make it. Alec has hardly stopped talking about you all month long. We are going to have so much fun this weekend! Ever been country swing dancing?”

“Um, no,” Magnus said, slightly baffled. They were going swing dancing? He wasn’t sure if he was intrigued, excited, terrified, or a combination of all of them. 

“You’ll love it. It’s a ton of fun,” She told him happily. She went back behind the counter to squint at the book once more. “I’m trying to make chili since it’s literally throwing stuff in a pot. I may not be a chef-”

“She finally admits it,” The youngest in the room quipped with a smirk.

“This is Max,” Alec explained, ruffling his brother’s hair lightly. Max squaked in protest as his sister threw a crumpled up paper towel at him at the same time as Alec attacked his hair. “He’s the baby of the family. He just became assistant manager of the grocery store.”

“Yeah, that’s so huge and exciting,” Max said sarcastically. He held a hand out to Magnus. “It is nice to meet you Magnus. We started to wonder if Alec was just making you up after this many weeks.”

“A month Max,” Alec deadpanned with a roll of his eyes. “You act like it’s been a year. You all are just way too eager to meddle in my love life.”

“Somebody has to,” Jace assured him, joining the rest of them in the kitchen with Clary going to help Alec’s sister in the kitchen. “You look much better without the three piece.” 

“Those aren’t my first fashion choice,” Magnus agreed with a slight smile. “It’s good to see you guys outside of a hospital for once. How are you feeling, Clary?”

“I’m okay,” The redhead answered quietly, standing close to Jace and Magnus could hardly blame her for being quiet. It had taken months before he was a shadow of himself after getting away from Woosley. Why couldn’t he look at Clary without thinking of his mother, not to mention himself? Why couldn’t he separate the past from the present? 

“Oh shit!” The exclamation made them all turn to face the stove where Alec’s sister stood frozen staring down at the pot with horror on her face.

“What happened Izzy?” Alec left Magnus’s side to go see the damage done to their dinner, not to mention maybe his stove. 

“I, uh, it slipped,” She said sheepishly. Magnus held back a chuckle as he saw she held the chili powder in one hand and that must have been what her mistake had consisted of. “Hope spice doesn’t bother anyone.”

“You literally open cans and put them in a pot to make chili,” Max griped as he grabbed a spoon to taste his sister’s creation. “Holy shit, we don’t need tastebuds or anything.”

“Add more tomatoes,” Magnus said over the sound of Jace laughing while his siblings bickered. He reached around Alec and blushed as their bodies brushed against one another. Alec put a hand on his waist to steady him as he grabbed a can off the top shelf. 

“Thanks,” Magnus said softly, taking the can opener from his boyfriend’s hand. 

“I”m glad you’re here,’ He said softly, fingers trailing softly over his back to slide off of him. Magnus smiled and slopped in the can of diced tomatoes, stirring it in and hoping it would tone down the heat. 

Max finally had the idea of serving it over pasta and putting cheese over it to make the spice less obvious. Magnus found he didn’t have to say much around the Lightwood siblings, and he enjoyed the atmosphere immensely. Alec’s hand on his knee helped reassure him that he was wanted here no matter how much or little he contributed to dinner conversation. No matter how much they disagreed, Magnus could tell this family was one of the closest he had ever been around. Jace and Max did the dishes while Izzy disappeared to get ready for their night out. Clary went to read a book and get out of the spotlight presumably so Magnus followed Alec to his room. 

“You have real cowboy boots,” Magnus commented in surprise while a smile broke across his face. “You really get into this.”

“Not only that,” Alec said with a smile of his own as he ducked further into his closet. He brought out a back hat to match his boots and it complimented his burgundy shirt incredibly well. He slipped it on his head and Magnus couldn’t deny the flip his stomach did at the sight.

“The hat I could get into,” Magnus admitted flirtatiously as he reclined back on the bed. 

“Yeah?” Alec strode slowly toward him and Magnus couldn’t help but giggle as Alec leaned over him, hat brought down low over his eyes. “You into cowboys Magnus Bane, lawyer city boy?”

“Only one in particular,” Magnus replied, mouth opening in anticipation as Alec leaned down to kiss him hungrily. He gasped silently into the kiss, letting Alec sweep his tongue against his expertly. His stomach erupted in butterflies and he reached a hand around Alec's neck to stroke the soft hairs at the base of his neck. Alec kept himself balanced above him carefully, always making sure he was never uncomfortable and that they kept boundaries clear. Magnus knew he wanted more, but he was grateful Alec could wait until he was ready. If he was ever ready it would seem 

“You could borrow a pair of boots too, “ Alec suggested before kissing his cheek and hopping off the bed. “Then nobody would dare say you don't belong around here. People get really into the swing dancing up here. Some pairs are pretty impressive I'll admit. Jace and Clary are one of the best couples. They came in the top five when we hosted a competition last year.”

“I’m glad you invited me,” Magnus blurted as he watched Alec check out his outfit in the mirror. Alec caught his eye in the mirror and a beautiful smile broke over his face slowly.

“I am too,” He agreed and Magnus felt the sincerity behind his words. He noted that Alec liked that deep burgundy quite a bit since his comforter was that color as well with green accents in the form of pillows and even a throw draped on the end. 

Soon enough they were piled in Jace’s SUV and headed towards wherever this swing dancing would take place. Magnus was tucked between the Lightwood brothers and he had to admit it was weird to belong so much in a different friend group than his own. Once he found Ragnor and Raphael he never really branched out to have other friends much. In high school he had talked to just about everyone, but only Ragnor was close to him until college when Raphael somehow broke through their bond to include himself. 

The drive was short and soon enough they were piling out onto the gravel lot and Magnus was pleasantly amused when he saw they were at an actual barn with signs and decorations around the front wide open door with music blaring. He blushed a bit when Alec held out a hand to help him down from the tall vehicle with Max teasing them in the background. He couldn’t say it was the most crowded place he’d ever been to, but there were certainly more people on the dance floor than he had anticipated with more mingling on the sides. Magnus grinned to see people clapping when Clary walked in with Jace and people hugging her tightly. He was glad she was loved by this small town that had almost destroyed her, but was also the place she felt the most at home. 

“Told you they’re popular in this crowd,” Alec told him with a smirk as he waved to a few people himself. 

“You’re not exactly a nobody,” Magnus walked a bit closer, never really loving crowds. It seemed to get worse these days when his anxiety was nearly unmanageable. His mother’s death seemed to have destroyed all of his peace of mind and confidence. 

“Hey, I fix up their bumps and bruises so of course they’re nice to me.” Alec joked and all of a sudden Isabelle was tugging on him to join her dancing. Magnus watched his face light up as he let them go and join in with the other couples on the floor. It was definitely a different sort of scene to night clubs, which was the only kind of dancing he was used to. It was still dark, but everyone was paired off, talking and laughing. People milled about with drinks inside and out, and the feel was light and happy instead of the sexual tension that seemed to radiate in the dance clubs. His eyes returned to Alec and he admired how smoothly he twirled his sister around in every direction possible. They were a striking pair of siblings that was for sure and Magnus had always wondered what it would be like to have a sibling growing up. He knew his parents never had it together enough to have more than one oops, but he couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel to have someone that knew all of your history without having to explain. Someone you would never feel bad about complaining about the family to since they understood so well. 

The song changed and this one was a lot slower than the one that had gotten everyone so riled up. Alec’s eyes locked onto him and he made a beeline to his side, taking his hand gently once more. 

“Dance with me,” Alec requested, soft breath brushing against his ear. A shiver went down Magnus’s spine as he let himself be led to a corner of the dance floor.

“I really don’t do this kind of dancing,” Magnus said with a sheepish laugh. “The most dancing I get up to is grinding in a club, nothing like what you were doing.”

“Just follow my lead,” Alec told him, taking both hands in his and guiding him through some simple steps. At first Magnus was tense and it was hard to follow when he was so worried about bumping into other people or missing a step. Alec was patient with him and simply laughed when Magnus would stumble into him. 

He had Magnus’s back pressed to his chest and they simply swayed for a minute, the other probably sensing he was a little overwhelmed by all the different steps and sequences. 

“Halfway around the world, or the local corner booth, yeah you guessed it you know I got my eyes on you,” Alec sang softly so only he could hear. “We could be on any street, any party, any room I’ll be there all night with my eyes on you.” Alec lead him through a few quick steps so that they were facing one another. Magnus felt his heart absolutely melting when Alec continued the last few lines of the song with his eyes zoned in on Magnus. “Don’t matter where we’ve been, no there ain’t no better view, than you in my arms with my eyes on you.”

The song finished and Alec didn’t hesitate to dip him gracefully, Magnus gripping his wide shoulders with a smile on his face that probably looked dopey and lovestruck more than anything. This was a night he would remember for a long, long time to come. 

Hours later they finally made it back to Alec’s house, all of them officially worn out from dancing. Jace had taken Clary home before going home himself, while Max took the sofa and Isabelle took the spare room Magnus had stayed in before. It was either driving home an hour in the dark, or sleeping wrapped in Alec’s arms in his warm, safe house. 

It didn’t take a genius to choose the latter option.

Magnus was incredibly nervous to sleep with a man after all that had happened less than ten years ago with Scott. He knew Alec was nice, but his anxiety loved to remind him like a broken record that they all started out nice. It also reminded him that he didn’t tend to see disasters coming until they had destroyed everything in his life beyond recognition. The problem was that he liked Alec more quickly than he ever intended to. A month was no time at all to get to know a person, anyone knew that. Especially when they spent more time apart than together with their crazy work schedules. He was already dreaming of Christmas up here with Alec, the snow blanketing his cabin home and the quiet streets around them. Magnus taking Alec ice skating at the Rockefeller center back in the city with his friends. Alec meeting Ragnor, Raphael, and Simon with his nephew Freddy. Magnus finally having a plus one that fit in with the group he called family. 

He was dreaming of all these things and it was so, so treacherous. 

After lying next to Alec for a few hours, feeling him relax and hearing his breathing slow while his face slackened into peaceful sleep, he had to get up and move before his thoughts ate him alive. He slipped out of the warm sheets and tugged Alec’s jacket around him snugly, stepping outside where he had no chance of waking anyone. He took a long, deep breath of fresh air, trying to calm his racing thoughts into some sort of order and reason. 

He wiped at the tears coming down his cheeks and felt the dam breaking deep in his mind where he kept memories too horrible to have floating free. He sat there shivering and saw flashes of memory he had tried to push behind him for years. He could remember the awful nights fighting and screaming and being so tired of never being enough. He remembered Woosley’s house upstate where they would spend weekends together and where Woosley liked to isolate him away from everyone else. He remembered being a possession rather than a person, a thing to be shown off rather than someone to be valued. The weeks he would have to treat an arm gingerly when it ached after being grabbed so harshly the night before. The way Magnus had lost the ability to make decisions on his own slowly over time and being afraid when even his friends raised their voices around him. 

It wasn’t long into memory lane where Magnus found himself gasping to breathe and shaking so hard he was surprised he could stay upright at all. He was losing the grip on his control and it was too late to call anyone that could normally calm him down. He couldn’t go back in the house like this since he would wake one or more of Alec’s siblings with his sobs. He plunged his freezing hands into the pockets of Alec’s coat, frowning in confusion when his fingers brushed something hard and metal. He pulled out the pocket knife and looked at it for a long moment as it rested on his palm. There was a habit he had back in his worst days that had only been revealed in the hospital after being beaten so badly he couldn’t move. A habit he had promised Ragnor he would never go back to once his best friend had seen the damage he had inflicted on himself out of desperation to let the pain out. It had been a coping mechanism when nothing else had worked. 

He clicked the button on the side and the blade flicked out easily, glinting in the sparse moonlight shining down on him. His heart pounded in his ears as he stared at the tip of the blade while his skin crawled as if it were suddenly alive and demanding him to satisfy a hunger he thought he had put to rest years ago now. He wanted so badly to drag that blade across his shoulder and feel the sweet release of pain that made his panic ease. His breathing was still shallow and uneven as he shrugged off the jacket and set it next to him on the porch steps. He had promised to call if the temptation ever came up again, and right now he was breaking it. He knew logically this really did nothing to solve his problems with Camille, his father, or the ghost of his ex. This was no way to make the ache for his mother ease at all. 

Except it was the only way he knew how to deal with all of it. 

He dragged the blade over his skin, pressing down with experience and letting out a harsh breath at the blossom of sharp pain that came with breaking his skin open. He paused after the first cut and marveled at how much better he felt focusing on the pain and marking the body that betrayed him with stupid feelings and reactions that weren’t necessary. He repeated the motion of cutting across his bicep a few more times and breathing harshly, the crisp air hurting his lungs. The relief was enough to make him sob once more. He had no idea how he had ended up so bad off again and he hated how much the pain helped ground him when nothing else seemed to. 

Magnus stood up and was going to go back inside when he realized he had no way to cover this up with Alec if he went back to sleep in his bed. He would notice the marks in the morning, or he might bleed on the sheets if he rolled over a certain way. There was no way he could get out of his with nobody noticing. Alec would find out the mess he was and he would leave. Nobody could want someone that used pain as an outlet like this. They barely knew each other and Magnus couldn’t expect Alec to stay with a level of crazy like that. 

He sighed as he trudged towards his car and climbed inside to head home. He would rather answer the twenty questions Alec had and beg for forgiveness than let him find out about his secret. He still had the knife with him in his pocket and the weight settled around his heart like a chain. He was broken that was all there was to it. Woosley had broken him beyond repair and he didn’t deserve someone as whole and wonderful as Alec Lightwood. He didn’t deserve the peaceful small town away from the rest of the world. 

Why was he bothering to kid himself this way?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long. Writing has been...tough lately. And I got sucked into Marvel fandom big time, particularly Irondad. Whoops. Anyways, This chapter Magnus describes some of his abuse so pleasel be careful. Trigger warning for physical abuse. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around and reading this story of mine :) Love you all!!

The weekend hardly got any better after arriving home in the early hours of Saturdayy morning.  Magnus moped and avoided Alec’s concerned calls, not able to come up with any real reason why he needed to leave so suddenly without so much as a note or a text.  He did apologize profusely over messages and Alec seemed to at least forgive him, but he still worried he had messed this up too. He hadn’t gotten much sleep since Friday so Monday dawned brighter than usual and much less welcome.  He woke blearily and fought every instinct to roll over and escape back to the blissfulness of sleep. He sat up and only had about ten seconds to himself before knocking came at his door. He had chatted with his friends last night so it probably wasn’t them, unless he had gotten that much worse at hiding his pain.  He felt stupid for freaking out with Alec in the middle of the night. He wasn’t Woosley, and he wasn’t going to be. That guy was a piece of work that could never be replicated. Or at least he hoped that was the truth. 

 

“What the fuck,” Magnus mumbled to himself.  He pulled on a robe that he rarely used and was too big for him now.  He ruffled his hair and picked up his cat on the way to the door. Snuggling his nose into Chairman’s fur for a moment before opening his door, the last person he would have ever expected at half past seven in the morning standing there. 

 

“I brought starbucks, if that softens the early morning grump in you,” Alec held out a large coffee in way of greeting.  Magnus blinked at him a few times and took the coffee on autopilot. How was he here? DId he have this need to break up with Magnus in person?  He wasn’t ready for this after the weekend he had had. He thought he would at least have a week to get his head together again and have some sense of decorum when Alec dumped his ass.  

 

In the bright light of morning his apartment was a disastrous mess.  Dishes were piled up in the sink from his meager meals over the weekend and clothes were strewn around from days ago.  He had makeup in the kitchen from when he had been getting ready Friday before dashing out to his peace and quiet. Legal documents were on his coffee table from when he had tried to use work as some kind of distraction yesterday, futile but a worthy effort.  Magnus let Chairman go off to his own devices while he felt his cheeks heat up and faced Alec, looking to his stomach more than at his face. 

 

“I… You got up early,” Magnus said lamely, sipping his coffee gladly.  

 

“No earlier than a normal hospital shift,” Alec’s voice was light and Magnus would miss that lilt so much after this morning.  He already was way too attached to Alec to be healthy. He would take this like a sane man, and then he would have eight hours of work to dull the ache and by the time he would have to feel this he could go over Ragnor’s house and have a few drinks to numb the pain.  

 

“I’ve never gotten a break up visit before,” Magnus decided to tear off the bandaid, thinking there was no point in prolonging the small talk.  It was so easy to talk to Alec about anything and everything. So many nights they would be completely lost in conversation over the phone and was mostly the reason Magnus found it so hard to get up in the morning.  

 

The lump was already here and Alec hadn’t said anything.  He was screwed.

 

“Is that why you think I’m here?” Alec’s voice was a tad higher than usual and Magnus heard him step closer.  He couldn’t help the tension that sprung into his muscles automatically as his chin ducked closer to his chest.  The steps froze immediately and Magnus had no idea what to expect. His mind was stuck on every other partner he had had instead of on the present and he was almost too afraid to breathe.  “Sweetheart, I came to see if you were okay. Really okay, beyond what a text could tell me.”

 

The pet name made tears spring to his eyes unbidden and Magnus was embarrassed they were there at all.  Alec’s tone was so caring and soft that it made his heart melt, which scared him. Why was he so easy to sway and persuade?  It had been that way with his father. One afternoon of civility and Magnus thought all had been forgiven and they could be a normal family.  He was continually surprised when only a few hours later the harsh words were back again. 

 

“I-I’m fine,” Magnus said, keeping his voice relatively steady.  He felt frozen to the spot and still unable to even look at Alec, even if his boyfriend had said that he wasn’t here to end the paradise Magnus was relishing in.  

 

“Can you look at me?  Please?” Alec asked softly.  He hadn’t moved since those few soft steps and Chairman was now sniffing his shoes curiously.  Alec normally squatted down to pet him automatically, but he was waiting for Magnus like he was the only thing that ever mattered.  

 

Could that ever truly be the case?

 

Magnus slowly looked up into hazel eyes that were soft and inviting as ever.  He tried to shake off his tension and relax in his own home. Ever since Camille had come in here so easily he hadn’t felt truly at peace here either.  He held out a hand slowly, which Alec didn’t hesitate for a second to take in his own securely. He had to swallow a few times before he could speak. “Thanks for the coffee.”

 

“Anytime, Doll,” Alec replied quietly and Magnus let himself relax enough to take a step towards Alec.  He smelt his aftershave clearly this early in the morning and he wanted to just melt in Alec’s arms and forget anything happened this weekend.  That was what he had always done and it clearly wasn’t working. 

 

“I’m sorry for leaving Friday night,” Magnus said the words aloud and hoped he sounded as sincere as he felt.  He was so sorry he was too fucked up to wake up next to his new lover like a normal person and enjoy it without freaking out.  He wanted to just enjoy every moment with Alec in the here and now instead of bringing the past before his eyes every minute. 

 

“I want to know what happened,” Alec implored softly.  “I’m not angry, I’m worried. I know you weren’t leaving me high and dry, but I also know something happened to make you leave.”

 

“Alec…” Magnus trailed off, the mere thought of mentioning Woosley here in this apartment where he had never been made his breathing stutter right then and there.  

 

Another knock came to his door and now Magnus was just frustrated that two people thought he would be awake before eight in the morning, even if it was a work morning.  He had no clue who this could be since Ragnor would be sleeping and Raphael getting his son off to school. 

 

“I have no clue who that is,” Magnus told Alec honestly, squeezing his hand once before moving past him to answer the door.  “You were enough of a surprise trust me.” He sighed and let Chairman out of his arms to open the door yet again. He barely registered another head of messy black hair before he was pushed aside and someone forced their way into his apartment.  Magnus let the door close and was about to go off on a rant about how people needed to respect his goddamn space already, but his blood froze when he saw it was his boss in his apartment. Will Herondale was in his apartment before working hours. This couldn’t be good.  

 

Will took one look at Alec and his face flushed with anger when he turned to face him.  Will had a temper that scared Magnus, though the fear was unwarranted. Will liked to blow off steam and shout when things weren’t done correctly, but it wasn’t like he ever hinted at taking it further.  He had the calmest and sweetest husband so it was obvious that he was a good man. Magnus honestly refused to think otherwise. 

 

“I honestly thought you weren’t possibly this stupid,” Will shouted at him and Magnus was proud of himself that he didn’t flinch, even though his cat went skittering off to a corner.  Alec tensed as well and Magnus saw his hazel eyes were trained on him instead of the raging man in the middle of his living room. “You’re sleeping with your client’s doctor?! Magnus Bane, please tell me this isn’t real.”

 

“Alec isn’t my client,” Magnus defended weakly, but he honestly knew sleeping with Alec probably wasn’t the best idea for this case.  They were gathering evidence and witnesses for the hearing on Wednesday, and Alec was sure to be key witness. 

 

“I don’t know if you’re fucking irresponsible,” Will ranted as he came closer.  Magnus fought every instinct in him to back up out of harm’s way. His heart started it’s familiar race against his ribs, making him feel a bit sick.  He really needed more coffee before this kind of confrontation. “Or if you just don’t give one single fuck about your clients! We are trying to put this asshole behind bars Bane!  We are the difference between Fray sleeping peacefully at night or having to wonder where her attacker is every night of her life. If someone else gets hurt by this maniac, now that’s going to be on you.  You stupid, foolish kid. I don’t even take new lawyers into my firm and I took a chance on you.”

 

“Will, I’m sorry,” Magnus said weakly, knees shaking slightly.  WIll was absolutely right in everything that he said. Magnus just fervently wished he could say it in a calmer way.  “I do care about Clary and her situation. I empathize with her-”

 

“Oh really?  The spoiled kid from Manhattan really can understand what she’s going through?  Have you ever even had a hand raised against you in your life? You didn’t think for one damn minute before jumping into bed with whomever you wanted and now this girl has to pay for it.”  Magnus did flinch this time at Will’s demanding questions he didn’t expect an answer to. Will would have no idea how much that hurt. He had no idea about his past and he was very tight lipped about even his family life.  “Or then again, maybe you did her a favor since if you can’t even avoid sleeping with the witnesses then who knows what other simple fucking protocols you might completely disregard-”

 

“Enough,” Alec cut in sharply.  Magnus had forgotten he was there for a minute in the chaos WIll brought.  Alec stepped up beside him and Magnus could feel his warmth from here. It made him shake even harder and now he just felt stupid being this upset from a dressing down he completely deserved.  “I don’t care what he’s done. You don’t have the right to speak to him like that.”

 

“You don’t get involved with this,” Will barked in Alec’s direction with a snarky glare.  

 

“Get out of my house Will,” Magnus said, folding his arms tightly and needing to gain some kind of control over this situation.  “I’ll see you at work in less than a few hours anyways.”

 

“You think you still have a job after this?” WIll asked him, disbelief in his voice.  “I don’t want you near my firm or any of my cases. This is one of the biggest we’ve gotten this year and you better hope the defense didn’t get wind that you’re sleeping with the doctor in this case.”

 

“Will, no, please,” Magnus’s jaw dropped in horror when he realized what was about to happen to him.  “I can do better. I can be better. Don’t take my job.”

 

“Keep it in your pants next time and maybe you’ll make it in this field,”  Will said scathingly. Alec made to speak up again, but before he could Will had swept out of the room, and his life, slamming the door closed behind him.  

 

It only took moments for Magnus to burst into tears and sink down onto his couch miserably.  He had worked three years for this and had gotten in with a man he admired more than anything.  He had reached his dreams and had messed this up as well. What thing in his life could he have that would work out in his favor?

 

It seemed the universe answered his question in the next moment as Alec wrapped him in his arms.  Magnus let tears consume him from being exhausted, the unexpectedly early anxiety riding through him, and of course losing his dream job.  Alec pulled him as close as he could, tucking Magnus’s head under his chin. A flare of pain came when Alec rubbed over the cuts on his arm, but Magnus didn’t dare move away.  It felt nice to be held when he was having a rough morning. It reminded him of how his mother would be there on his own rough days, battling her own with all she had. They could always comiserate together in that regard.  

 

“Shh, you’re alright,” Alec told him gently, moving his hand to his back and making circles there gently.  “Take a few deep breaths Magnus, before you make yourself sick..”

 

Magnus realized with no small amount of horror that he was making low whining sounds in his throat.  “You sure you don’t want to run for the hills?” Magnus tried to make a joke, but he was sure his tone fell flat when Alec simply kissed his cheek. 

 

“I’m absolutely sure, Doll,” Alec assured him, brushing a soft hand through his hair.  “Let me warm up your coffee and then see what I can find in your kitchen.”

 

“Just order out,” Magnus said  weakly, watching Alec go into his kitchen with his cup of coffee that was still mostly untouched.  He ran his own hands through his hair a few times before following Alec into his kitchen. “I don’t really have food here.  I’m never home to cook anything normally. Doordash is a single guy’s best friend.”

 

“Is that some kind of delivery service?” Alec guessed, looking puzzled.  Magnus smiled fondly. Of course they wouldn’t have something like that in a town small enough to only have one traffic light.  “Have you eaten at all this weekend?”

 

“Well, I”m still here,’ Magnus said lamely, unwilling to admit that toast was about as much as he had made this weekend.  He hadn’t had much of an appetite and had been too exhausted to do anything. 

 

“I’m taking that as a no,” Alec was frowning deeply at the state of his fridge and cupboards.  “You weren’t kidding when you said there’s no food.”

 

Magnus stupidly felt insecure that Alec was snooping through his cabinets and that caused him to lower his eyes to the floor and tone became soft.  “I’m sorry. I’m just never here and I hate wasting it.”

 

“Okay,” Alec said decisively with one look at him.  “You order us a real meal please. Get back in that bed of yours.  I”m going to come with you and make sure you’re warm and relaxed. We’re going to talk about a few things.  I can’t see that kicked puppy look of yours one more time, darlin’ “

 

Magnus was beyond grateful for an excuse to go back to bed.  Chairman chirped in happy interest as he followed suit and curled up at his feet.  Magnus could hardly look at Alec as the other climbed in bed beside him with only a soft tee on with his boxers.  He tensed for a moment, but relaxed when he remembered that Alec only wanted to help. He was never going to hurt Magnus.  

 

He couldn’t even fake believing that.

 

“I think maybe we should talk about your last relationship with a man,” Alec said quietly, not touching Magnus but keeping well within touching distance.  “I think we need to get on the same page here. I need to stop making you look like a kicked puppy on accident. I have put a lot together Magnus, but I can’t assume everything.  Talk to me, I”m here. I don’t want to leave.”

 

Magnus wanted to say something, anything, but he knew he would only disappoint when he couldn’t talk about what had happened.  He couldn’t talk about it to Ragnor in the hospital that night, or to his therapist in the weeks to follow. Ragnor and Raphael were horrified enough by just the stupid hospital report which was only a summary of a week long getaway.

 

They could never handle two years.

 

“Can I ask you yes or no questions?” Alec prompted softly, linking their pinkies together which prompted Magnus to smile.  He took a deep breath and nodded with his eyes downcast.

 

“Okay,” Alec took his own breath in and let it out slowly.  Magnus felt bad that he had to bring this baggage with him into a relationship.  He shifted closer to Alec and twined their hands together tightly. Alec smiled a bit sadly and rand a thumb gently over his knuckles in comfort.  

 

“Were you abused?” Alec asked softly.  Magnus swallowed hard and reminded himself that Alec had at least already figured out this much.  

 

He nodded.

 

“Physically?” Magnus was impressed how Alec kept his tone even and figured that being a doctor let you have certain skills.  

 

He nodded again, a bit slower this time.  

 

“Emotionally?” This time Magnus’s mind didn’t only flash to Woosley, but also to his father and to Cammie who had manipulated him to their heart’s content.  Magnus didn’t know a time when someone wasn’t telling him that he wasn’t enough. 

 

He nodded a third time.  

 

“Sexually?” The first time sex came out of Alec’s mouth was definitely not meant to be in this context.  This was fucked up in so many ways. He felt his hands start to shake as he thought of various kinks he now knew of that he definitely didn’t agree with.  

 

He nodded with a tiny sob this time.  

 

“Oh baby,” Alec said, but he didn’t move closer without Magnus’s permission.  His voice was so full of pain and Magnus could hardly believe a man who had known him for a little over a month could feel so much for him when nobody else had in his life.  “Do you need to stop? Food should be here soon, right?”

 

Oh right, he was supposed to choke down food after this kind of conversation.  

 

“We have fifteen minutes still,” Magnus said quietly.  He sighed again and figured it was time to start opening his mouth.  Alec wanted, needed, to know what had been done to him if they had hope of moving forward.  

 

“I met Woosley when I was a sophmore in college,” Magnus said shakily, withdrawing his hand slowly and curling in on himself.  He had to hold himself through this or he would break apart. Alec’s hand twitched to touch, but he respectfully kept his distance.  “I was so excited when he took an interest in me. He wanted to be in law as well and we instantly just had so much to talk about. He was intelligent and had a boatload of money he was willing to spend on me at first.  He took us on the best dates and doted on me.” He could remember how lovestruck he was at first. He had been obsessed with the older man. He had thought Woosley was his ticket out from his father’s thumb. He had been so desperate and so, so stupid.

 

“It was good for four months,” Magnus sighed quietly.  He still mourned that it couldn’t have lasted. “Then we went to NIagara Falls for a long weekend.  It was the first time we had gone away together and I thought it was nice. It was supposed to be... “ He twisted his fingers together and stared at them.  “That weekend was the first time he hit me.” Alec inhaled sharply and Magnus couldn’t look at him if he wanted to finish any of this. “We were alone together in the hotel room.  We were just watching some dumb show and were lying on the bed. He had answered countless calls over the time we were there so when my mom called I didn’t think twice about answering.  She was a tad worried that I was out with a guy almost out of the country. He had pulled away while I talked to her which I didn’t really think about. When I hung up the phone he backhanded me across the face.”  Magnus may have had his father absent and unavailable his entire life, but this was a new and terrifying kind of pain. 

 

“I want to kill this guy,” Alec’s voice was still calm but his blue eyes were a storm of rage. Magnus appreciated the sentiment, but it would do no good.   He was far gone, merely a ghost of the past he couldn’t escape. 

 

“You need to get behind Ragnor and Raphael,” Magnus said with a sigh.  He was ready to take Alec’s hand again and squeeze it softly. 

 

“How long did it all go on for?” Alec asked him softly, probably one of the last questions thank God.  

 

“Two years,” Magnus sighed heavily at admitting how long he let himself fall victim to someone who destroyed him in every way possible.  He hated admitting how desperate he was for love at that point in his life. “My parents were… absent for so long. My father never acknowledged I existed unless I was messing something up.  My mother is -” Magnus floundered for a moment, still not used to using past tense. HIs heart lurched and he was ready for this whole conversation to be over. “ -was, my mother was depressed for years.  She would have good days and bad days. I loved her more than anyone in the world, but I couldn’t talk to her about him. She had so many demons to battle and I couldn’t add mine. I just… I couldn’t.”

 

“Magnus, babydoll,” Alec scooted closer and slowly took Magnus into his arms.  Magnus relaxed into him after a moment and inhaled his familiar and at this point comforting scent.  Alec kissed behind his ear gently and nuzzled him gently. “You don’t have to justify it to me, ever.  I’m not judging you for it. I would never do that. I’m sure it was complicated and that this asshole was manipulative with the best of them.  The abuse...Baby, none of that was your fault. It never could be. I’m just sorry he came into your life before I did.”

 

“Yeah?” Magnus asked lazily, the warmth of Alec’s body, the blankets, and the cat at his feet making him sleepy.  “Why is that?”

 

“Well, you would never know pain like that,” Alec started off before kissing the shell of his ear.  “And you would have never gotten a chance to get anywhere near him because I would never be stupid enough to let you go.”  

 

“Those country songs make you a giant sap,” Magnus teased with a small smile as his heart felt like ti was swelling large enough to fill his entire chest.  The knock came for food and Magnus was infinitely grateful Alec didn’t even pause to get the door for him. Magnus was far too tired to think about facing anyone.  He snuggled down into his blankets and if he dozed off before Alec had a chance to dish out food…. Well nobody in the apartment seemed to mind all that much.                        


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets introduced to Ragnor and Raphael. All is supposed to be peaceful, but then Magnus's usual luck kicks in and things turn out not quite as imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters back to back? What is this world coming to? My schedule has actually opened up so I can write on a more regular basis so yay for that! IF anyone is wondering about the house we are definitely coming back to it. Next chapter is the plan. This chapter was fun to write and not entirely planned. Poor Magnus has so so much to work through. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTION OF A PANIC ATTACK. 
> 
> Thanks you guys for commenting because it really really keeps me going!!! I love you guys so much for it!! Happy reading as always :) 
> 
>  
> 
> (Oh and Monday is my birthday so do I get extra comments as a present maybe???? <3 )

Unemployment didn’t suit him.

 

Losing your dream job was top on the list of things Magnus never wanted to happen to him.  He felt injustice over the fact that he had technically broken no rules, but here he was on the outside.  He felt grief for a job he had truly looked forward to growing and learning and feeling apart of something.  He felt a little proud that he hadn’t fallen apart until after Will was gone and he had that much dignity left.  

 

Then, of course, it all came back to how he felt mostly like a failure and like he wasn’t good enough.

 

Magnus had grown up rich, but that doesn’t mean he felt as if he actually deserved anything.  HIs father had made sure Magnus had never felt entitled in almost thirty years of living. He never deserved his father coming to his school for one single event or outing.  He never deserved a word of praise through seven years of college, nevermind the torment he had gone through for a third of it with a psycho boyfriend. He never deserved family dinners or family vacations.  He was alone growing up, and alone in college. His mother did her best, truly she did, but Magnus could have used some support now and then,

 

After all of that he had met Camille and she was definitely not a boost in his confidence or support.  She was always telling him how he could do better or be better. She only complimented him in bed, and that was only some of the time.  He stayed with her for the drugs and to not feel so alone in the world. Raphael getting married was great for his friend, but kind of awful for Magnus.  He was so happy for the married couple, but his life got exponentially more lonely. Ragnor chose to work a lot of nights to cure his loneliness and Magnus had to find a way to cure his.  

 

But now he had a much better way.

 

Alec had hardly left his side since he lost his job.  Magnus never asked him to stay, but Alec was just always there.  He finally did manage to sleep in the same bed, even if entirely by accident.  He had fallen asleep after their questioning and some food and Alec couldn’t leave him alone like that apparently.  Alec had spent the night and absolutely nothing awful had happened. Miracles can happen it would seem. 

 

“Babe, are you nervous about this?” Alec asked, glancing at him as they were stuck in traffic.  “It’s just ice skating with your friends. I should be nervous here. It’s like meeting the parents almost.  These people are the most important people in your life.” 

 

“I’ve never introduced them to anyone since… SInce Woolsey,” Magnus swallowed, but his hands slightly shaking was the only reaction to that name for the first time in years.  The fantasy of taking Alec skating with his friends was coming true it would seem. It was the first weekend of December and the Rockefeller center was lit up with all the dazzle of the holidays.  Somehow Alexander had never been to the center to skate. 

 

“It’s going to be fun,” Alec assured him, squeezing his hand lightly.  

 

“Yeah, it will,” Magnus agreed, though the squirm low in his belly said that he was a damn liar.  

 

They managed to find somewhere to park and fought the crowds to get into the rink.  People were everywhere and going in every which direction and Magnus wasn’t even sure if they’d even find his friends in the chaos.  

 

“So,” Magnus said to Alec over the noise of the crowd.  “I haven’t exactly told my friends about losing my job.”

 

“It’s been two weeks!” Alec exclaimed in surprise.  “How have you not told them? I thought you guys were close.”

 

“We are,” Magnus shrugged and pulled Alec smoothly through a gaggle of teenagers.  “I’m simply bad at sharing problems these days. I feel like I’m always the problem friend, y’know?”

 

Alec stopped dead in his tracks, forcing Magnus to turn and face him as his arm was tugged harshly.  Alec cupped his face gently and made sure Magnus met his eyes. “You, my darling, are not a problem. Never a problem, you hear me?” 

 

Once again Alexander Lightwood had taken his breath away.  

 

“Okay,” Magnus replied with a small smile.  Alec pulled him in for a firm kiss right there in the middle of chaos.  Strange how it all seemed to completely disappear. 

 

“Well I see why you aren’t texting me back,” Ragnor’s amused voice broke through his haze as Alec released him slowly.  Magnus had to remember how to form words for a full thirty seconds and tore his gaze away from his boyfriend. 

 

“Hi,” Magnus said lamely and rolled his eyes at his best friend’s smirk.  “Uh, so this is Alexander Lightwood. He’s my boyfriend.” The giddy rush saying that simple sentence brought made a smile light up his face.  

 

A look came over Ragnor’s face that Magnus really couldn’t read and it made something uneasy settle over him.  “We’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Ragnor Fell.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Alec said, polite as ever with one hand on Magnus’s lower back and the other shaking Ragnor’s hand.  “I’m going to grab skates for Magnus and I. Where are you guys meeting?”

 

“We found a place by the taco stand,” Ragnor said, nodding toward the back left corner.  “C’mon Magnus.” They were quiet as they separated from Alec until the crowd finally thinned out and they approached the quieter corner Raphael, Simon, and Freddy were in.  “So, you two have gotten really close.”

 

“Yeah we have,” Magnus agreed quietly.  He sighed and tugged Ragnor to a stop. “Okay, what was with the face?  I introduced him and you got a look.”

 

“I did not,” Ragnor denied, but he couldn’t look at Magnus directly.  Magnus looked at him until his best friend caved. “It wasn’t about him.  I don’t even know him.”

 

“I know that,” Magnus agreed while crossing his arms.  “The look had to do with-”

 

“It was the way you looked at him,” Ragnor said with a heavy sigh.  “You haven’t been dating him very long and you have the look you gave Woolsey.  The look like he hung the moon and stars just for you. You completely adore him and it’s fast and it makes me nervous.”

 

“ I’m more careful now than I was back then.  Alec is amazing I promise you. He knows about Woolsey-”

 

“How much?” Ragnor interrupted his impassioned speech with narrowed eyes.  “How much did you tell him?”

 

“Not intimate details, but most of the general picture,” Magnus frowned and wished Alec would hurry back already.  

 

“You don’t think he could be lulling you into a false sense of security?” Ragnor asked.  “He knows what you’re afraid of and he could be using that-”

 

“Stop trying to talk me out of this Ragnor!” Magnus said sharply.  “Alexander is a good man. A kind man who has treated me better than anyone in my life besides you.  Not every man on earth is a psycho who wants to beat me, okay? I just…. Fuck.” 

 

“Mags,” Ragnor had realized he had pushed too far when Magnus ran his hands through his hair and stormed away.  He walked blindly toward the skate counter and saw Alec adorably balancing two pairs of skates as well as drinks for them both.  

 

“Let me take those,” Magnus grabbed the skates from his hands and honestly just wanted to forget this whole thing.  

 

“Sorry, the line was a mile long,” Alec smiled at him in thanks as they made their way back to the corner.  “So, does Ragnor hate all your boyfriends on principle?”

 

“He’s ridiculously protective,” Magnus muttered with a roll of his eyes.  “It isn’t you Alec, I promise.”

 

“Hey, best friends are entitled to give the new guy a throw down,” Alec nudged his shoulder gently.  “I can handle it, okay? You really need to relax a little. It’s going to be okay.”

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Magnus felt his face flush as he realized he was preventing his boyfriend from having a good time.  He really did need to relax if he wanted Alec to have a good time. Despite what Alec said, he would become a problem if he acted like this.  He had to be normal. He was so lucky to have this adorable, sweet, caring, country doctor in his life. He couldn't blow it.

 

Not this time.

 

“Simon took Freddie out there,” Raphael explained the absence of the other two members of his family.  “My son has no patience ever, and I’m blaming Simon.”

 

“Hey Raph,” Magnus did finally relax when Raphael gave a warm smile towards Alec.  At least one of his best friends was going to have some trust in his judgement. “This is my boyfriend Alec.”

 

“Glad you could join us.  We’ve been pestering Magnus to get you into the city for weeks.”  Raphael pushed him playfully as Magnus was tying up his skates. He couldn’t help glaring at Ragnor as if to say ‘that’s how you treat my boyfriend asshole’.

 

“You two are all Magnus talks about besides work,” Alec told them with an easy smile.  “I told him on the way over here this was like meeting the parents almost.”

 

“And I forgot my shotgun,” Ragnor said with a snap of his fingers.   Magnus rolled his eyes again, inexplicably annoyed at his best friend.  He knew Ragnor cared about him, and that he was only being protective. He wasn’t even angry about the defensive best friend act.  He was angry that Ragnor wouldn’t let him forget, when he only knew half the story. He didn’t know how many times his right wrist had been so close to breaking from being squeezed so hard.  How many nights Magnus had spent sobbing himself to sleep when Woolsey had been out late. The sheer panic when Magnus would miss one of his boyfriend’s phone calls when he was with Ragnor and Raphael for a night out.  

 

Then he had to echo the terrifying thought of Alec being the same.  

 

Magnus wanted to stay steadfast in his belief that Alec was different.  HIs heart absolutely believed that to be true. HIs mind was too scared to be as sure.  Woolsey had been absolutely charming and wonderful for months before it all changed, and Alec could be the same.  Doctors and lawyers could put up fronts to the world easily. 

 

“Hey, you ready to go?” Alec held out a hand to him with that soft, endearing smile.  

 

“Yeah, let’s go fall on some ice,” Magnus said with a smirk as he got up and made his way towards the enormous ice rink.  Thankfully he could actually skate so it wasn’t too embarrassing. They glided along slowly and quickly got lost in conversation as usual between them.  Alec told him about a patient he had had this week that had been a very involved case. Magnus loved hearing him talk about work and the care and passion in his voice when he spoke of his patients.  

 

“Hey Alec!” Once again Freddie was fearless when it came to new people and had instantaneously added Alec into the group of trusted adults he could have fun with.  “I’ll race you!” 

 

“Well, I guess I gotta defend my pride,” Alec said with a laugh and a kiss to his cheek before taking off after the feisty nine year old.  

 

Magnus watched them until they disappeared around the corner and then was content gliding slowly and gazing at one of the most famous Christmas trees in the country.  

 

“Sorry my son stole your boyfriend,” Raphael said, gliding up next to him easily.  “You two looked so content together.”

 

Magnus smiled at his word choice.  “Content is the perfect word for it.   He makes me feel more at peace than I have been in years.”

 

“Do we respect a man more if he puts Freddie in his place, or if he lets the kid win?” Ragnor wondered, appearing on Magnus’s other side.  

 

“He better let my kid win,” Raphael said urgently.  “We all know there will be a rematch and then a disaster will happen when he tries even harder to beat him.”

 

“Alec is the kind of guy to let him win,” Magnus told him.  “He’s a great guy like that.”

 

“I”m sorry,” Ragnor moaned, shoulders slumping and glancing pleadingly at him.  “I was an ass and I’m sorry.”

 

“Did you say something about Woolsey again?” Raphael snapped at him, furious.  “Ragnor, you have said your piece about Magnus’s past choice in boyfriends. GIve it the hell up already!  Alec is perfectly nice and he adores Magnus!” 

 

“Why do you two talk about it like it happened to you instead of me?” Magnus snapped at the both of them irritably.  “You think because you were there for the way it all ended you know the whole damn story? Fuck, guys, just stop saying his name, okay?  I’m so sick of hearing that bastard’s name. I was in therapy for a year and I learned the warning signs better than either of you! You two may be nervous, but I am fucking terrified of ending up in yet another disaster of a relationship!”  He sighed and hated the sting behind his eyes. This was too much with all three of them clashing past and present together. Reminding him of all the mistakes he had made with lovers. 

 

Magnus made to skate away form them angrily for some air away from the entire situation.  Only he hadn’t looked before just darting across the rink and the result was a guy crashing into him full speed and knocking them both to the ice.  Their skates were tangled together and Magnus knew his ankle hadn’t landed right as he stared up at the ceiling. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus apologized compulsively as he glanced at the tall blonde next to him.  The guy was already getting up and brushing ice off of him. 

 

“No big deal, this place is a zoo.  Give you a hand?” He reached out a hand to pull Magnus back to his feet.  He was fine for half a second before he went stumbling into the guy again as his right ankle gave a sharp throb of pain.  The tall stranger caught him thankfully balancing the both of them. Magnus bit his bottom lip hard and held onto the upper arms of this complete stranger, wondering where his overprotective friends were now.  How was he about to get off the ice like this?

 

“Magnus!” Alec was by his side, hands on his back carefully.  “I saw you two crash. Are you alright?”

 

Magnus in that moment to realize what kind of situation he was in.  He was in the arms of another man who was smiling down at him before Magnus had been in pain.  Now this stranger’s arms were around his waist while his boyfriend was by his side. Why does he always fuck up everything?  

 

He had been beaten for much less compromising positions than this.

 

His breathing was coming far too quickly as the pain escalated and he was stuck in this stupid guy’s arms.  All he could think about was how Alec would react when they were alone and off the ice. Would Alec leave him?  Was he going to be alone again? Or would he just get so angry that he would slap Magnus once before it escalated next time?  

 

He hardly noticed he was off the ice until he had to step over the rim and his ankle gave a sharp throb of pain.  He cried out and almost ended up on the floor again if Alec hadn’t caught him to steady him. Alec had a tight grip on his arms, to stabilize him of course, but it sent Magnus into a further panic at the firm hold.  HIs mind wouldn’t be rational right now when all day Woolsey had been mentioned. Magnus had tried not to let Ragnor’s doubts affect him, but it was hard when he was in pain already and he had ended up in some stupid compromising position with another guy.  

 

“Hey, darling, hey,” Alec lowered him to a bench and knelt in front of him, frowning at his erratic breathing and the way his whole body was shaking.  “Magnus, you’re alright. What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus apologized miserably, staring at the ground as much as he could.  “I didn’t mean to -- He just grabbed me like that I swear -- I wasn’t trying anything and it wasn’t my fault.  I’m so sorry. Please, please believe me.” 

 

“What’s happening?” Ragnor appeared behind Alec and Magnus’s cries became worse and more noticable.  

 

“He’s having a panic attack,” Alec murmured sadly as he rubbed circles into Magnus’s knee.  “I need to take his skate off and look at his ankle. I don’t want to make this any worse.” 

 

“What should I do?” Ragnor asked, and it was like the hospital all over again.  Magnus hurt and panicking and nobody having a fucking clue of what to do with him. 

 

Alec got behind him on the bench and pulled him to his chest snugly.  “Shh, Magnus, you’re okay. You don’t need to apologize sweetheart. Take some deep breaths with me, okay?”  Alec exaggerated his breathing so Magnus could try and follow along. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus sounded like a broken record but he was at a loss of what else to say.  

 

“No apologies,” Alec murmured to him as he kissed his ear.  “I’ve got you. You’re safe with me Magnus I promise. I would never hurt you.  You’re hurt and vulnerable and that’s okay. I’m not mad in the slightest.” Magnus tucked his face into Alec’s neck and tried to stop crying over something as stupid as a hurt ankle.  Freddie had honestly cried less breaking his arm when he was seven. 

 

“Ragnor, take off his skate,” Alec instructed the man hovering nearby.  

 

“Oh my god, is he actually hurt?” Raphael asked in horror as he joined their group.  “Simon fell at the same time Magnus did and I was helping him up and by the time I looked back you guys were gone.”

 

“Ow,” Magnus whimpered as Ragnor took off the tight skate as carefully as possible.  Alec squeezed him closer and rubbed his back. Alec hissed softly as he looked at the ankle over Magnus’s shoulder.  

 

“That doesn’t look great,” Alec said softly.  “I wouldn’t think it would break from the way he fell, but it might have.  The way it’s swelling concerns me. Could one of you drive us to the hospital for an x-ray?”

 

“Wait!” Magnus found his voice when a hospital was in the mix.  “Isn’t there a way you can tell if it’s broken? Please? I don’t like hospitals.”

 

“Baby, I can’t tell without an x-ray,” Alec told him, kissing his temple this time.  “I’m not leaving you, okay? Not for one second.”

 

“I”ll grab our car,” Simon volunteered as he was the first to have his skates off.  “Be back as soon as I can.”

 

“Ragnor, come with me to take all these skates back.  We need to find our shoes,” Raphael said firmly as he tugged Ragnor away so they could be alone.  Magnus felt awful ruining the outing as usual. 

 

“I… I didn’t mean to panic,” Magnus said quietly once they were alone and nobody could hear him except for Alec.  “I thought you would be-” He took a shuddering breath and tried to not cry again. His ankle was hurting more by the minute and he was cold as hell.  “The way I looked with that guy… I just didn’t want you to think… I’m sorry.”

 

“What did I say about apologies?” Alec asked him, cradling him close no matter who was watching.  “I know your friends were giving you a hard time. I’m sure having him brought up was hard and brought back memories.”

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Magnus said quietly.

 

“You don’t control panic attacks,” Alec seemed so relieved he was calm for now.  “What happened to you was horrific. Of course you have lingering anxiety and panic attacks.  I know this is hard and I appreciate you still giving us all your effort. I understand completely. “  Magnus sagged against him further and wanted to sleep until the pain went away. Alec tipped his chin up to kiss him gently.  “I’m not jealous easily Magnus Bane. I know you’re mine and I trust you completely. Even if I hadn’t saw you crash into him I never would have assumed that of you.”  

 

“I ruined our outing,” Magnus leaned his head on Alec’s shoulder and looked into the eyes he adored.  “This happens around me a lot.”

 

“Hush you,” Alec said without any spite behind it.  “You in a lot of pain?”

 

“Not as much as when it first happened,” Magnus realized it was true.  The sharp pains had left and only a dull throbbing was left behind. 

 

“Simon has the car out front,” Raphael told them, appearing again at their side.  “Ragnor said he would meet us there. You guys need help?”

 

“I’ve got him,” Alec kissed his cheek before tugging him to his good foot and having Magnus leaning on him.  Raphael clapped him on the shoulder before following them out slowly. 

 

It was only a few hours before Magnus had a diagnosis of a badly sprained ankle.  He was relieved it wasn’t broken and even more relieved to be leaving the same ER he had been in on the worst day of his life.  Alec had been true to his word not to leave him for even a moment, currently on the bed and holding him to his chest gently. Magnus was dozing on pain meds and a high dose of anxiety medication to keep him calm while he was examined and worked on.  His best friends were both here in the hard plastic chairs waiting with them for the discharge instructions. He wasn’t quite fully asleep, but Alec’s heartbeat was keeping him relaxed. The day had been even more exhausting than he had anticipated on.  

 

“I care about your friend,” Alec was the one to break the silence, his voice rumbling under Magnus’s ear.  “I know it’s hard for you guys to trust anyone with him. I can’t even imagine when Clary finds her next boyfriend and brings him around.  She’s one of my close friends and I never saw Jonathan as the kind to do anything like that to her. I believed she was happy when she told me.”  He sighed and Magnus wanted to hug him but his limbs were too heavy to move. He never heard Alec speak a word about what had happened to Clary. Magnus had tried to steer clear of it because he was on her case, and then because he wasn’t sure Alec wanted to talk about it.  “You need to let him heal. You need to let him try and forget a little bit. He can’t keep those memories on the front of his mind all the time. He’s terrified to exist right now. I think that’s why he ended up with that Camille girl in the first place.”

 

“Cammie was his rebound,” Raphael agreed quietly.  “He fell in with her mere weeks after Scott finally left the picture.  He harrassed Magnus for months after Magnus called it off. He even showed up to my wedding when he knew Magnus was one of my groomsmen.  Magnus says they were together for two years, but he wasn’t gone until three years had gone by.”

 

“I don’t know how the hell he got through law school with that going on,” Ragnor commented.  “I’m sorry. I know it must offend you to be compared to...him. I don’t think you’re like that.  I just… Magnus isn’t careful with his heart. It drives me crazy when he jumps back in and… God, I hate when he’s shattered when it ends.”

 

“I can’t say we’re never going to end,” Alec said with his hand rubbing Magnus’s back soothingly.  “I hope it won’t. I’m crazy about him and I hope he knows it. I can promise you I will never lay a hand on him, ever.  I can promise you if I make him cry I will fix it. I can promise you I will always come home to him and only him as long as he lets me call him mine.  I… I want to help him heal.”

 

“He deserves that,” Raphael’s voice was hoarse as he finally spoke again.  “He really deserves the world.”

 

“We’ll let you get him home,” Ragnor said quietly.  Magnus heard them gather their stuff together and make to leave.  He felt one of them squeeze his hand gently where it laid on top of the blankets.  

 

“Your friends love you,” Alec told him, running a hand through his hair.  Magnus leaned into the touch and Alec chuckled quietly. “I know you aren’t asleep.”

 

“Close ‘nough,” Magnus mumbled.  “Wanna go home.”

 

“I’m taking you soon, Doll,’ Alec promised, only pausing his hand to place a kiss there instead.  

 

“Your home,” Magnus said groggily, hoping Alec would understand.  “Chairman too.”

 

“Your wish is my command,:” Alec agreed and Magnus was too tired to analyze if he was being too demanding.  “I’ll take the day off tomorrow, hm? Make sure my guy is comfortable? You’ll be on crutches for a week at least.” 

 

“Yay,” Magnus cheered sarcastically as he finally blinked his eyes open enough to see Alec looking at  him with his eyes soft and fond. He saw care in those hazel eyes, and maybe a hint of love. Magnus nuzzled closer to him and felt so safe.  That could be partly the drugs talking, but he felt like maybe he was starting to trust Alec. Today was horrible by all accounts, but it was also proof that Alec wasn’t going to be some immature guy that lost his temper at the drop of a hat.  He put up with crap from his friends all day long and didn’t even blink when Magnus’s bad luck struck again. He hadn’t been upset by his tears or by the fact that Magnus had accidentally ended up in another guy’s arms however briefly. He had been kind and patient unfailingly.  He was even in this awful hospital bed with Magnus at god knew what time at night. Now he wasn’t batting an eye at taking Magnus home and making sure he had anything he could need. 

 

Maybe he could stop doubting and start to hope.  Just maybe. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, but it felt right to let it rest as it was here. Alec learns of a few more secrets and is determined to fix the things he can. Then we check in with Clary and see how things are going on that front.
> 
> Thank you endlessly for your comments!! They are so appreciated!!! You guys rock.

Magnus woke slowly the next morning, and surprisingly, he woke alone.  He was in Alec’s bed but without his warm and sleepy boyfriend next to him.  Chairman was curled at his feet asleep just as if they were at home in Brooklyn.  He closed his eyes and sighed peacefully when all he could hear was quiet. He used to love the hustle of the city, but these last few years it made his anxiety on edge.  

 

He could hear Alec moving around in the kitchen and heard soft music playing.  He went to stretch and hissed as he moved his ankle without meaning to. He had slept well, but now he was in pain once again.  He hardly remembered getting into bed last night, or his foot being propped up on a pillow, but both had happened at some point courtesy of his boyfriend.  

 

Magnus sat up and felt like his entire body was stiff.  He glanced at the clock to see it was already half past ten which is later than he’d slept in months.  He must have been out for a straight twelve hours by now. 

 

“Good morning handsome,” Alec’s voice drew his attention to the door where the man himself lounged against the doorframe.  Magnus flushed when he realized he was shirtless, though it wasn’t like Alec wasn’t appreciative of the view. 

 

“Hi,” Magnus found his voice raspy and his face became even darker.  “Uh, I don’t remember coming to your bed. I’m sure you didn’t have the most room.  Sorry for, uh, taking your bed for like twelve hours.”

 

“You were high on painkillers,” That smirk made butterflies flutter in his stomach even after months of knowing this generous man.  “You were adorable in case you wondered. You like to ramble.”

 

“Oh God,” Magnus buried his face in his hands and wanted to immediately know every detail of what he had said last night.  He could only imagine. 

 

“It wasn’t so bad,” Alec outright laughed as he climbed onto the bed as well and sat next to him.  Magnus didn’t hesitate to curl into his side happily and let Alec put an arm around him. Alec pressed a kiss to his head.  “I do think we should talk. You want some breakfast first?”

 

“I’m not really hungry,’ Magnus mumbled, feeling instinctive anxiety at the phrase they had to talk.  Logically he knew Alec wasn’t going to dump him or do anything horrible if he was currently holding him close in his bed.  

 

“Probably should have offered food first,” Alec reprimanded himself quietly and Magnus couldn’t help giggling a bit.  

 

“Thank you for yesterday,” Magnus could remember what had happened before the hospital very well.  He remembered the crying and the unnecessary panic and his friends being mostly awful to Alec. 

 

“Magnus-”

 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus began nervously.  “I… I hope you know it isn’t you. You aren’t the reason my friends were kind of jerks yesterday.  You aren’t the reason I freaked out so much yesterday. I don’t think you’re a jealous maniac who would get upset over something so stupid.  I hope you honestly know I think you’re possibly the most wonderful man I have met in my life.” Magnus felt his cheeks going bright pink at the admission.  

 

“Well,” Alec’s cheeks weren’t their usual pale shade either as he gazed down at Magnus fondly.  “I might not have known the last part,” He ran a hand through Magnus’s hair tenderly. “I did know the rest.  I know that when you flinch or jump to conclusions it’s only because someone gave you very good reason to. I’m glad your friends look out for you.  I’ll win them over one day.”

 

“What did you want to talk about?” Magnus asked in a small voice, his heart jumping in his chest.  

 

“I… Well, you were quite talkative last night and I might have pressed just a tiny bit because you were saying things that didn’t make a whole lot of sense.”  Alec carefully held him closer and Magnus wondered what he had said that would make Alec hold him like this. “Well, let me backup first. When you were in that lovely hospital gown last night and you were sleeping on me until we could get out of there I…”  Alec paused and Magnus had to pull back and look up at him. He looked positively nervous about whatever it was he was going to say. 

 

“I’m not going to be mad,” Magnus wanted to reassure him.  Alec’s lips flicked up into a smile before he bit his bottom lip.  

 

“I saw cuts on your shoulders Magnus,” Alec said in a rush.  Magnus felt his blood run cold and it was just his luck that he was incapable of leaving this conversation.  

 

“Alec-” Magnus started but had no idea how to finish.  Alec was a doctor and he had probably seen this before.  He could blame the tiny kitty at their feet, but that was a long stretch.  It was what it looked like, and he had no defense for it. 

 

“I’m worried,” Alec confessed quietly.  “I was tucking you into bed last night and you asked me how you were going to sleep without Xanax.”  Magnus wanted to just disappear now and have last night not happen. Tell Ragnor that meeting Alec was a terrible, awful idea.  “Then when I said we didn’t have any here you said that sucked because you were tired of being hungover every morning.” 

 

“Fuck,” Magnus swore as he shifted away from Alec and tried to get his thoughts together.  “Shit, Alec, I’m sorry. I was trying to get a handle on things before you ever had to find out.”

 

“Xanax is...not great as a regular solution,” Alec told him quietly.  “Though I have to say drinking is a worse one.”

 

He started to cry which made Alec look like someone had killed his dog.  “Alexander. I’m sorry. I just- It’s been- God, I’m such a fucking disaster.”

 

“Shh Magnus, it’s going to be okay,” Alec placed a gentle hand on his knee.  “This is actually probably the worst place to have this conversation now that I think about it.  I cornered you when you can’t even walk. I just…. I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t know. I’m not judging you I swear on my life.”

 

“You’re a doctor,” Magnus said helplessly with a shrug.  “You must see screw-ups like me all the time. I’m sorry you’re stuck dating one.”

 

“No, no Magnus, look at me,” Alec said firmly, cupping his chin in his hand and making Magnus at least look in the direction of his face.  Alec’s chin had stubble on it and Magnus suddenly had a stupid urge to kiss his incredible jawline until they both forgot about this entire conversation.  A final tap to his chin made Magnus meet Alec’s eyes timidly. “You aren’t a screw up. You are far from it. You made it through law school after a horrific relationship with almost no support from home.  You are still kind after what has happened to you and you believe in second chances. I said I”m worried, because I am, but I never said I didn’t understand. Your mom died only a few months ago and you’re still dealing with PTSD from the asshole that abused you.  Plus you had the world’s worst girlfriend and one of the most demanding jobs a person can have. Babe, I need you to talk to me is all. I just want to figure out how we can get you calm and to sleep at night without things that will hurt you.”

 

“Cammie got me hooked on Xanax,” Magnus told the blankets his hands were twisted in.  “I still had nightmares when we first dated and panic attacks a lot. She got me the meds and they helped so I could function okay.  I slept at night at least. She hated when I woke her up at night because of my bad dreams. Well, when I broke up with her I couldn’t have the meds anymore and I…” Magnus felt more tears fall as he had to admit to some very shameful things.  “I couldn’t function without them. I still had to work and I had a great relationship with this really cute guy starting,” Magnus shot Alec a shy smile before going back to gnawing his lip between his teeth. “Sleeping was hopeless completely.  I drank a lot so I could sleep. I would just pass out until my alarm went off. I miss sleeping like a normal person, I do. I miss not needing any help falling asleep at night. It’s been years since I could say I slept easily. “

 

Magnus sighed and finally did look up at Alec.  He was somehow still surprised when all he saw was concern in Alec’s face.  “I’m off the pills. WIsh I could say by choice, but it isn’t. I…. I’ll stop drinking to forget.  I… Alec, please don’t-”

 

“If leave is the next word out of your mouth,” Alec shook his head before kissing him gently.  “I’ve already told you I’m not going anywhere. Medication for anxiety isn’t a bad thing. I just think it needs to be managed and monitored properly.  I think you need help Magnus that nobody has ever bothered to offer you. I can get you into the best and the discreet. I have a lot of pull with people here and I can make it affordable even.  I think you need a doctor and someone to help you work though these feelings that make you do things that you don’t want to. I want you to be able to sleep peacefully Magnus.”

 

“How do we always end up talking about my crazy and me crying?”  Magnus asked as he wiped the last of his tears off his cheeks. 

 

“I have anxiety Magnus,” Alec said quietly.  “I take meds for it. I grew up gay in the smallest town imaginable that was also as conservative as you can imagine.  Before my parents found out when I was nearly eighteen I had panic attacks. When my dad threw me out during my first year of college I didn’t know how to cope. “  He squeezed Magnus’s hand softly. “My point is that you aren’t crazy. You’re dealing with a lot the best way you can find. It’s hard to deal with stuff when we’re expected to go about our lives like nothing ever happened.  If anxiety is the worst you have, well bring it on baby.”

 

Chairman chose at that moment to wander over to Alec and start licking his hand enthusiastically while purring happily.   Alec scooped him up to cuddle him close to his chest. “Actually, this fur baby is the worst you have. He got into all kinds of stuff last night. “

 

“Sorry,” Magnus apologized on behalf of his cat who was definitely not at all sorry.  Alec rolled his eyes at the apology and smiled at him. Magnus flopped back on the pillows and wondered if anything would change now that Alec knew about his bad coping skills.  Could he honestly get help, even after all this time? What did help look like? He thought this was something he would just have to live with the rest of his life. 

 

~~~

 

The week sped by faster than Magnus thought being cooped up in bed could.  Alec took more time off than he needed to and even if the circumstances weren’t great it did improve their relationship by leaps and bounds.  

 

He was happy in Alec’s life and had no desire to return to his own.  

 

The day came when he could walk on his own again and though he was elated to be free to move again, a pit of dread had settled in his stomach at the thought of going home.   He was settled on the couch with Chairman watching Alec make dinner for the two of them while singing softly to the stereo playing in the background. Magnus knew he should be more worried about the fact that he had no job currently but, right now though he couldn’t be bothered to worry about anything in particular.  He was warm and had a glow in his chest that he couldn’t bear to see go away. He was falling for Alec, so hard and so quickly. Less than three months and no matter how many times love had steered him hopelessly wrong Magnus was falling yet again. Alec was proving wrong every time someone had made him feel like he wasn’t enough.  

 

A soft knock came to the door and Alec paused his cooking to look at the door, brow furrowed in thought.  

 

“You expecting someone?” Magnus asked him, hesitating to get up and answer the door.  He knew that they were relatively safe, but it was the middle of nowhere and things could always get weird.  

 

“I got it,” Alec waved him back down as he tossed the dishcloth onto the counter and made his way over to the door.  

 

“You do realize I’ve been doing nothing but sitting for eight days, right?” Magnus called after him, following him to the door and stretching out his legs.  His ankle twinged every now and again, but it was such a relief to put weight on it again. Alec still wanted him to rest it as much as possible, but he was sick to death of sitting around.  

 

Rain had started to fall at some point during the evening while they had been caught up in each other.  Magnus heard it softly hitting the pavement outside when Alec opened the heavy oak door. Magnus could see Clary standing at the door, but he had never seen the redhead like this.  She was hunched in on herself with arms wrapped tightly around her middle as if she was the only thing holding herself together. 

 

“A-Alec,” Her voice quivered on the single word and it was obvious she was crying even though Magnus couldn’t see her face clearly yet.  He felt a pang at seeing her so destroyed and he had a feeling nothing new had happened. He had a feeling this was about Jonathan and it made his stomach twist in a familiar mix of sympathy and remembering his own pain.  

 

“Clary, hey,” Alec ushered her inside and closed the door behind her.  She looked pale and thin like she had in the hospital, not nearly as well as she had looked the weekend they had gone dancing.  “What’s going on?”

 

“I- I’m sorry,” She apologized as she spotted Magnus there and realizing they were spending time alone.  “Jace wasn’t answering and I was just sitting at home when a panic attack hit me and- and I couldn’t be there anymore.”

 

“Shh, it’s fine,” Alec assured her, wrapping a stray blanket around her shoulders.  He hugged her tightly to him and she dissolved in a mess of tears again. Their eyes locked over her damp red hair and Alec mouthed for him to text Jace, nodding over to his phone.  Magnus was grateful for something to do other than watch Clary fall apart in his boyfriend’s arms. He felt awful that he had put her so completely out of his mind just because he had been fired from her case.  He could well remember the first few months even after Woolsey was out of his life. Hell, it’d been years and he still woke up to panic attacks. He told Jace that Clary was here and to get over here now. 

 

He wandered to the kitchen to finish dinner since Alec had his hands full.  Alec had made beef stew for this cold, rainy night and Magnus had certainly been spoiled with all the home cooked meals.  He knew he could probably cook if he tried, but motivation was hard to find for him on the best of days. He stirred the stew absently as he passed by it, feeling a burst of hunger as the scent wafted to his nose.  This all felt so domestic with Magnus living here and helping with dinner and waking up together every morning. Logically this should have sent him into a whole new level of panic at how close they were getting and how Alec was becoming an irreplacable part of his life.  Instead every time he woke up next to Alec feeling safe and cared for made him calmer every day. He loved knowing where things were now in Alec’s kitchen or where the spare towels were. 

 

“Hey you,” The man of his thoughts came up to wrap him in his arms and nuzzle his neck.  “Jace is here so I guess we’re sharing our cozy night in if that’s okay?”

 

“Yeah, of course it is,” Magnus leaned back into Alec and closed his eyes happily.  

 

“You can’t call off the trial!” Jace’s raised voice reached them from the other room and the two exchanged a look of alarm.  The last thing anyone needed was the two of them fighting. 

 

“I can do whatever I want!” Clary shouted back at him as Magnus followed Alec to the living room to see Jace and Clary in front of the fireplace arguing.  

 

“This isn’t what you want Clary!” Jace ran a hand through his hair.  “You’re just scared is all. I know you have a new lawyer and it’s hard to adjust, but this bastard needs to be behind bars.”

 

“He’s already left town,” Clary protested with her arms folded tightly.  “You made sure he knew he wasn’t welcome here.”

 

“You did what?” Alec asked sharply, but his question seemed to fall on deaf ears as the other two ignored him completely. 

 

“You’re scared of him, but you will never be facing him alone again.  This is the anxiety talking-” Jace was cut off by Clary stepping up close to him and glaring fiercely.  

 

“Don’t you dare tell me how I feel!  Don’t tell me what I want or don’t want, do you hear me?”  Her fists were clenched by her sides and Magnus again saw yet another side of this young woman who had inadvertently changed his life completely.  Meeting her had led him to the man by his side, the man who might be by his side for a long, long time. The man that might just help him heal a bit.  “You tell me you love me and you want to be with me. Well, guess what? I am never going to let ANYONE tell me what to feel or think ever again! I am having panic attacks when he’s all the way in fucking Manhattan, Jace!  If they can’t take him to court without me being in that room, then I’m fucking out!”

 

“He might hurt other people Clary-” Jace’s voice was the quietest Magnus had ever heard it and he seemed as shocked as anyone that Clary was this angry.  

 

“Then let them live through this bullshit,” Clary was shaking now and the adrenaline was wearing off quickly.  “If I tell you I’m not doing this, then I’m not. It’s my decision Jace. As much as it freaked you out to find me, trust me when I tell you it’s ten times worse for me.  I lived through it, all of it. I didn’t get to show up at the ending.”

 

Well, fuck, if that wasn’t what Magnus had been trying to tell his own friends lately.  

 

“You’re right,” Magnus spoke up at last, unable to help himself even if he wasn’t really in this group of people.  “You don’t have to take him to court.”

 

“Not fucking you,” Jace grumbled, gaze holding some heat as he looked at him.  “What the fuck happened there anyways? She trusted you and you decided to bail.”

 

“Hey,” Alec immediately barked out in his defense.  “That wasn’t in Magnus’s hands. His boss overreacted and was a complete dick to him.  Magnus got fired from his firm.”

 

“Oh God, really?” Clary turned to him with guilt written on her face.  “Magnus, I am so sorry. I freaked out and now you’re fired from your job.”

 

“That isn’t on you,’ Magnus told her firmly with a gentle hand on her shoulder.  She stiffened for a moment reflexively before seeming to remind herself his touch wasn’t meant to harm.  Magnus could relate. “I want you to know I understand Clary, more than you could know. I… I was in an abusive relationship, an awful one.  It’s terrifying to press charges I agree with you. I never did against my boyfriend. I moved away from him back to New York and tried to put it behind me.”

 

“It’s awful,” Clary said quietly, their green eyes locking.  “Does the panic get better? Am I ever going to feel like me again?  I’m supposed to go back to school in a few weeks. I teach art at the school up here and I can’t imagine having so much noise and chaos and even being out of my house that long is...overwhelming.”

 

“I…” Magnus wanted to tell her it would be fine.  That she would heal and go back to normal to live her life like it was before any of this had happened.  But was that possible for anyone? Did you go through something that turned your world around and then just go back?  He didn’t feel like the old Magnus Bane from his sophmore year at college. He wasn’t that same kid anymore that thought all human being were pretty decent at the end of the day.  “I think you’re going to find your new normal Clary, with some time and support. I don’t think you should decide about court when you’re coming down from a panic attack. He doesn’t have to be in the room when you testify against him.  They can take him out for that. There was a reason you pressed charges and maybe you shouldn’t push that away so quickly. Think about it Clary, another time. Right now let’s eat stew and watch a movie.”

 

Clary brought a hand up to place over his and squeezed gently with a smile.  “Thank you Magnus. That really helped.”

 

“Anytime,” Magnus said, returning her smile and avoiding Jace altogether as he darted to dish up some stew for the four of them.  

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well a real plot develops here kids and the house is coming soon!!! Magnus is further tortured bc I can't give him a break even if he is my baby. Hope you guys like the drama and look forward to how this unravels!! Comments are loved and ideas welcome!! happy reading

Magnus jerked out of sleep to his phone vibrating next to his ear. He wondered if a dream had woken him more than the phone as his heart pounded leaving him slightly breathless. For once Alec hadn’t woken next to him, though his arm did tighten reflexively. Magnus had finally taken his things back to his loft, but that didn’t mean Alec didn’t simply come with him some nights. After being together for two weeks it was hard to sleep alone now. Alec had been sad to see him go, and Magnus knew he had at least entertained the idea of Magnus staying for good.

Dear God, he just wasn’t ready for that yet.

He fumbled for his phone and had the distinct feeling something was really wrong when he saw a picture of Camille. He hadn’t spoken to her in months and he hadn’t planned to ever again. It was the middle of the night and Camille had surely moved on, right?

“Cammie?” Magnus murmured into the phone, voice heavy with sleep. Her breathing came through before her words did, and she sounded terrified. 

“Magnus, I need you to come over,” Her voice was shaking badly and instantly he was completely alert. “I… I need help.”

“What’s going on?” Magnus asked, trying to keep his voice low for Alec, but still on high alert. “Are you okay?”

“Magnus, please,” Camille Belcourt didn’t beg, and hearing her do so was scaring him to the bone. In spite of how they ended he still cared about her. 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. Just hang on, okay?” There was no question if he would go. She might have been having one over on him, but somehow he knew she was sincere right now. He got dressed as fast as possible, realizing he had thrown on Alec’s shirt rather than his own, big surprise there. 

“You leaving?” Alec was awake now and was blinking slowly at him. He had worked twelve hours the last four days straight and he was exhausted. He had lasted one episode of a show before passing out last night. 

“Go back to sleep,” Magnus told him softly with a kiss to his head. “I just… I need to go real quick. I’ll be back soon.” 

“M’kay,” Alec mumbled, asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow again. Magnus smiled at him fondly before making himself slip out of the apartment and onto the streets of Brooklyn. The city had a rhythm to it that he had missed. It vibed under his feet the second he left his house. Alec’s place was peaceful and wonderful, but the city was home for him. It made him feel alive and have a perk to his step. 

It was also dangerous as hell and Magnus hoped Camille was alright. 

It didn’t take him long to reach her place and it was weird to walk up the steps again. His brisk walk turned into a jog when he turned the corner to see her apartment door open. Something was really wrong this time. 

“Camille?” Magnus called as he nudged the door open with a foot. Chances were that whoever had done this was gone by now, but his breathing quickened nonetheless. Her house was completely trashed from the moment he walked in. Everything was on the floor or tossed on its side. A cold sweat gathered at the back of his neck and he really should have brought someone with him probably. “Cammie, where are you?”

There was a long moment of silence before a quiet call of his name reached him. He quickly walked to the bedroom and was confused when he still didn’t see Camille, but then he noticed the closet doors almost destroyed and figured out where she was. The smell of blood reached him and he fought not to gag on it as his stomach turned to ice.

She lay sprawled across her walk in closet, blood covering her and no sign of her attacker. She was crying quietly and seemed to be trying to turn on her side, but her injuries wouldn’t let her. Her face was already swelling and Magnus was really tired of finding women in his life being found like this. 

“Oh my hell, Camille,” Magnus knelt by her side, uncaring of the damp carpet on his knees. He tried not to think about just what was sinking into the fabric of his pants. “Have you called the cops yet?”

“Called you first,” Camille gasped out, face screwed up in pain. “I shouldn’t have.”

“I don’t give a fuck if you’re my ex,’ Magnus told her as he started to pull out his phone. “Of course you should have called for help. Who the hell attacked you?”

“Not safe,” She seemed almost delirious in her pain and was fighting to stay awake. Magnus ignored her for a minute as he talked to the operator with what had happened. The call was short and Magnus had no doubt they would be surrounded in minutes. 

“You’re going to be alright,” Magnus assured her softly as he took her hand. It was cold as ice and Magnus figured that couldn’t be good. He wanted to get her a coat to put over her, but she stopped him by tightening her grip. He watched as blood oozed out of a stab wound on her shoulder, feeling sick to his stomach. 

“You need to leave,” She started to say, but then started coughing up blood and tears sprang to his eyes. 

“Like hell I’m leaving you,” He told her, brushing blonde hair off of her face. “The paramedics are coming and they’ll fix you up. Cammie, you’re going to be fine.” Tears were on his cheeks as he watched her fight to breathe normally. 

“Woolsey,” She rasped and the name made Magnus freeze completely. She didn’t know that name. He had never really gotten into his past with her so there was no way she knew that name. “Looking...for you.”

“Woolsey Scott?” Magnus asked her, struggling to breathe himself now. “How in the hell do you know that name?”

“Wanted you,” Camille repeated with her eyes locked onto his. Magnus couldn’t watch he rdie, not now and not like this. She was manipulative and mean, but she didn’t deserve death. “Didn’t tell him Mags, nothing.”

“Woolsey attacked you?” Magnus asked as he tried to stop himself from shaking. She faintly nodded her head before she lost consciousness and the room was flooded with people at the same time. He was huddled in a corner while the rest of them barked orders to one another. How could this be happening? How could Woolsey be in the city? He was in prison now. He had forced himself to go through a rape kit and testify to the police about that. He was gone and Magnus was supposed to be free of him for the rest of his life. 

He knew exactly how to check the inmate list of the prison since he had done it for a month or two straight after Woolsey was arrested. He had wanted to check every morning and every night that he was there and that he wasn’t coming back. His finger trembled as he scrolled the list and he gasped when he didn’t find his name. 

No, this couldn’t be happening. 

Hands on him made him scream faintly and his gaze snapped up to find Ragnor Fell looking back at him. Right, his best friend was a paramedic and on duty more often than not. 

“Magnus? What the hell are you doing here?” Ragnor knelt in front of him, looking him over worriedly. “Are you hurt? What happened here?”

“Found her,” Magnus said faintly, feeling like he was about to pass out himself. Whatever he was feeling was much more than shock, or shock on steroids. He couldn’t even form a coherent thought right now and he frantically turned his phone back on and scanned the list again and again. 

“Hey, what are you looking at?” Ragnor tried to get his attention as they loaded Camille onto a gourney to wheel her out of there. “Are Camille’s parents here?”

Magnus ignored him as he really couldn’t breathe now when he didn’t see the name on any list he went on. The bastard was out of prison after only a few years. How was that possible? They had told him he would be away for life, had promised him. If he lived through the horror of testifying he would never see him again. That was the deal here. 

“Someone get me an oxygen mask,” Ragnor snapped to someone as he kept his hands on Magnus’s shoulders. “Mags, I need you to talk to me here. What is going on? What are you staring at?”

“No,” Is all Magnus could get out of his shaking lips as he stared at Ragnor, but didn’t really see him. 

“No what?” Ragnor was getting more worried by the second by the way his voice got sharper. “Magnus, please say something. You’re freaking me out here.”

“Get that away from me,” Magnus shoved the mask away from him when they tried to put it over his head. “I”m not hurt. Cammie got….Jesus.”

“How did you end up here?” Ragnor asked him again now that he was responding to his surroundings. 

“She called me an hour ago almost,” Magnus replied absently, trying to figure out how this could happen. How did his abuser get out so fast? Who did Woolsey know and how did he get his hands on Camille? 

“Did she say who did this?” Ragnor asked him, glancing at the wreckage.

“Have you spoken to Raphael?” Magnus asked as his mind flashed to who else Woolsey knew he was close to. “LIke recently?”

“He called me a few days ago.” Ragnor was probably frustrated with him for ignoring the fact that he was sitting in the corner of a crime scene. “Magnus, what the hell does that have to do with now?”

“I need to go,” Magnus felt the room spin as he stood and it was probably because he hadn’t been breathing properly for a bit there. “I need to….why did Raphael move out of the city again?”

“You need to hang on a minute,” Ragnor said with a firm hand on his chest. “You’re shaking like a leaf Mags. Are you sure you aren’t hurt?”

“I need to see Raphael, now,” Magnus said as he shrugged off Ragnor’s hand to move to the door. “You need to get Camille to the hospital.” He paused and thought of her dying in the back of that ambulance tonight. “Please make sure she makes it, okay? She can’t die tonight.”

“Get in the ambulance with me,” Ragnor told him with a hand on his arm. “When we get to hospital I will help you call Raphael myself. Why are you worried about him?”

“I’m not going to the hospital!” Magnus said loudly. “I’m fine and I didn’t see anything that happened. I have to go Ragnor!”

“The police are going to have to ask you questions anyways,” Ragnor said calmly and as Magnus brought a hand up to brush his hair back he realized just how badly he was still shaking. “You can’t very well drive like this and a cab will cost you a fortune. I know you’ll want to make sure Camille is okay anyway. Take some deep breaths, please? You’re likely going into shock.”

Magnus opened his mouth to tell Ragnor about Scott and about how he was back in his life again, like a living nightmare. He couldn’t find the words, as if saying them would make all of this more real. He quietly gave up on dashing across the city and let himself be loaded into the ambulance as well. He was instantly wrapped tightly in a blanket to ward off shock as much as possible. He felt himself slowly calming down, though his stomach was still in knots.

Everything was fine until Camille flatlined on their way to the hospital.

There was a flurry of commotion, but all Magnus could stare at was the flat, green line. His panic tripled in a moment as he realized Camille might die because of him. Woolsey only broke into her apartment for him. He only spoke to Camille to find him. This was completely his fault. If she died tonight, that would be on him forever. 

He didn’t register how little he was breathing until everything went black.

~~~~

Magnus woke slowly as if he was in a fog, his limbs heavy and his eyelids twice as much. He found it hard to care about anything at all. He heard a faint beeping and realized he was still in the hospital. He couldn’t remember why he was here this time though. Shouldn’t be be at home sleeping?

“Is he waking up?” Ragnor’s anxious voice broke through his haze. He really needed to stop being in this position of everyone talking around him. 

“It should be a bit still,” Alec was here and Magnus fully relaxed again when he heard him speak. When did Alec get here? How did he know what was happening? What was happening again exactly? “They gave him a pretty high dose of Adderall so waking up will probably take him a little while.”

“I’ve never seen him panic that badly in my life,’ Ragnor sounded strained as he felt fingers brush the back of his hand. “I don’t know what’s wrong. He couldn't even tell me what’s going on. He was just so focused on contacting Raphael. He acted like the devil was after him or something.”

“Why would Camille even call him?” Alec sounded angry even mentioning her name and Magnus loved how protective that man was. “She sure didn’t make the effort to show Magnus she needed him when they were together.”

“She doesn’t have a whole ton of friends,” Ragnor said dryly before a silence fell over the room. “In spite of that, she didn’t deserve what happened to her.”

“He’s not going to take that well,” Alec sighed and now he felt his other hand being taken into a soft, warm palm. “Magnus, we’re all here baby and it’s going to be okay.”

“You can’t call me like that and expect me to be okay fighting Manhattan traffic the entire way here,” Raphael’s accented voice broke into the mix and Magnus heard a door close. “Why is he in hospital again? What the hell is going on?

“Camille was murdered,” Ragnor said solemnly and Magnus finally was able to feel something, even if that something wasn’t exactly good. “Magnus was at the crime scene somehow and all he asked for was you. He was seriously about to charge across the city while not being able to breathe. He insisted he had to see you.”

“Holy fucking shit,” Raphael swore quietly before a silence fell again. “So… he’s in here for a panic attack?”

“He passed out in the ambulance,” Alec said quietly and the pain in his voice made Magnus squeeze his hand. Alec inhaled sharply at the contact and Magnus felt a hand brush through his hair. “You waking up, Doll? Can you hear me? Open your eyes for me, please love.”

“Hard to,” Magnus mumbled weakly and his other hand was taken as well.

“I know baby,” Alec pressed a kiss to the back of his hand. “I wouldn’t ask, but I really really need to see those gorgeous jade eyes.”

Alec rarely asked him for anything, so when he did Magnus had to give him the world. He fought against the voice inside him saying that opening his eyes was a very bad idea and that the darkness was a much better place to stay. He dragged his eyes open and smiled sleepily when the first thing he saw was Alec’s face next to his. “Hi, Alec.”

“Hey there,” Alec brushed a hand through his hair and Magnus nuzzled into his hand. “Next time you go on a middle of the night adventure, take me too okay?”

“M’kay,” Magnus mumbled as he tried to make sense of what had happened, despite the conversation he had heard. Camille was dead as far as he had heard, and that was very upsetting but shouldn’t be enough to land him in here. What piece of this was he missing?

The flashes of blood and Camille’s pale, pained face hit him at once. 

He remembered in a rush who had killed Camille. He remembered what man was walking around his city free and out for blood. He remembered now why he hadn’t been able to think straight from the moment he had walked into the ransacked apartment. 

“Woolsey is free,” Magnus sobbed brokenly as tears sprang to his eyes, unable to stop them rolling down his cheeks. He instinctually clutched onto Alec and tried to climb into his arms, despite the bedrail between them and the fact that Alec was only in a small hospital chair. 

“Shh, Magnus I”m here,” Alec hushed him softly and knew him well enough to climb onto the side of the bed. 

“DId he say Woolsey?” Ragnor repeated hoarsely. “What -- Magnus, how on earth do you know that?”

“Not now Ragnor,” Raphael cut him off and came to Magnus’s other side and he was grateful to be between two people he loved and trusted, even if he didn’t feel like deserved either of them right now. “We’re here Magnus, as long as you need us. Don’t work yourself up again, please.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said around his sobs as he felt his body shaking again, powerless to stop it. He buried his nose in Alec’s neck and tried to let his boyfriend’s scent calm him a little. He felt arms come around him tightly and some of the tightness in his chest eased slightly when he could hear Alec’s steady heartbeat. It was still hard to breathe normally and he gasped against Alec’s neck as he tried not to spiral into the Woolsey wormhole. 

“Deep breaths babydoll,” Alec soothed him gently with a hand rubbing his back. “You got this, I know you do. I’m not leaving your side.”

“They let him out Alec,’ Magnus whispered against the other man’s pale skin that still carried through the silent room. “A-after everything they let him go. He killed Camille b-because he was trying to f-f-find me.”

Alec’s silence let him know he wasn’t completely stupid to be terrified. 

“Fucking hell,” Ragnor said loudly and the clang as he threw something made Magnus flinch in Alec’s arms. He knew this wasn’t only his nightmare. His friends had gone through hell with him and probably weren’t any happier about this news. 

“Is that why you wanted to see me?” Raphael asked him and Magnus turned to hug him nearly as tightly as Alec. 

“I had to see if you were okay,” Magnus sobbed into his shoulder as the thought of what could have happened haunted him. “I can’t have it be my fault you died.”

“That would never be your fault,” Raphael told him as he held him tightly. He still had one hand in Alec’s securely behind him. 

It turned out the nightmare wasn’t over after all, for any of them.


End file.
